Read all jokes from: Stories (+318)
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples:
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
“Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
Once on a southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”
“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, and it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault. It was the asphalt!”
Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here a US Airways.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.”
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Read all jokes from: Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
St. Paul, MN
The hit movie “Home Alone” about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn’t total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone.
Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut.
“I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat,” Ryan said Thursday. “I went…into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in…and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could.”
The man ran. Ryan called 911.
Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy.
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Read all jokes from: Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable.
At one particular office, employees are taking management’s belt-tightening orders seriously:
“I’m taking home only half the office supplies I used to”, one staffer notes.
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Read all jokes from: Stories (+318)
Warning: be sure not to read this in the workplace, as these hilarious but true facts, laws and other tidbits will have you doubled over from laughter!
1. There was a 19th century Native American tribal chief who went under the name, “Not Able to Fornicate.”
2. A long time ago in Japan, a wife being left handed was grounds for divorce.
3. There is a law in the state of Idaho that does not permit one citizen to give another citizen a box of candy that is heavier than 50 pounds – now where exactly can you find a box of candy that large?
4. There was once a fish caught in Delaware Bay with a watch still ticking inside.
5. In Alabama, it is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
6. In Canada, the color of a house and garage doors is regulated by city bylaws – and don’t even think about having a purple door, or you’ll be slapped with a fine!
7. From 1976 to 1987, there were no red-colored M&Ms.
8. Unlike other four-legged animals, it is impossible for the kangaroo to walk backwards.
9. Did you know that Wheel of Fortune beauty Vanna White holds a world record? She’s put her hands together approximately 140,000 to clap!
10. When Coca-Cola first started to be sold in China, the company used characters that would sound just like “Coca-Cola” when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was “Bite the wax tadpole”. Not surprisingly, Coca-Cola did not sell well.
11. Teenage boys were often hired as telephone operators when telephone companies first began. However, this trend soon ended when these boys spent more time wrestling and pulling prank calls than actually working.
12. William Taft, the President of the United States from 1909 to 1913, was so large that he once got stuck in a White House bath tub.
13. In the United Kingdom, no cows may be driven down a roadway between 10 am and 7 pm unless granted permission from the Commissioner of Police.
14. How’s this for a catch-22? In Sweden, prostitution is legal; however, it is illegal to use the services of a prostitute.
15. There were 43,687 toilet related accidents in the United States in 1996.
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When our daughter was five years old we were living in an apartment with only one bathroom. One day as I was finishing my bath she had to go potty – now!
As I was toweling off she sat on the potty and I could tellthat she was trying to figure out something.
Finally she asked me that fateful question: “Daddy, mommies and daddies are different, aren’t they?”
I decided to handle it in a straightforward manner and answered, “Yes Joy, they are.” She got a really proud expression and boasted, “I knew that already cause mommies shave their legs and daddies shave their faces”.
We didn’t get back to that particular subject for several more years!
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Read all jokes from: Shaggy Dog Story (+15), Stories (+318)
An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.
One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise, he didn’t feel it. He dug around again, but there didn’t seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn’t finish the job, and without the pay he couldn’t even buy food for that night’s supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn’t do it, she would have to hire someone else.
The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What’s more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had! Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words…until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went:
“A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me.”
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These are actual excuse notes (original spelling intact) from some of the most unintentionally hilarious parents around:
My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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Read all jokes from: Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn’t realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
“Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad.”
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Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.
The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn’t drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. “
” What can I do? ” he pleaded.
” Not much ” he doctor replied. ” There’s just a nasty bug going around.”
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Free puppies:
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