Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
A guy is getting desperate in a bar and walks up to a woman and says to her, “If I can name three parts of your body that resemble towns in New Jersey, you have to go home with me tonight.”
She looks at him and says, “You’re on!”
He points to her chest and says, “Point Pleasant.”
She says, “Ok, but you’ll never get two more.”
He then pinches her rear end and says, “Ship Bottom.”
She laughs and says, “Ok, that’s two; you’ll never get a third.”
He then points in between her legs and says, “Cherry Hill.”
She replies, “Well it used to be Cherry Hill, but now it’s Eatontown.”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
* You realize that your favorite dessert is wooder ice (It comes in churry, strawburry, and other assorted flavors).
* You find yourself using “Yo” and “Youse guys” when talking long distance to family members.
* You know how to spell Schuylkill.
* You think $2,500 for insurance on a ’79 Toyota is a bargain.
* You find yourself at a nice restaurant thinking, “This would only be three bucks at a truckstop.”
* You can sleep soundly through gunshots in the neighborhood.
* You visit New York and notice how clean it is.
* You believe that the car on your side, flashing its turn signal, wants you to close the gap with the car in front.
* You can’t eat fries without Cheeze Whiz.
* You find street people greet you by first name.
* You don’t think Wawa sounds funny.
* You snub a cheesesteak that isn’t on an Amoroso roll.
* Your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles all live on the same block.
* You love scrapple for breakfast.
* You took a vacation at the shore (and liked it).
* You know where to find the Rocky statue.
* Only tourists go to Geno and Pat’s for an authentic cheesesteak.
* You buy soft pretzels at a traffic light.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian says, “What’s meat?”
The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me? What’s excuse me?”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
* The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
* You were born somewhere else.
* You know how to eat an artichoke.
* The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
* Your car has bullet-proof windows.
* Left is right and right is wrong.
* Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
* Your mouse has only one ball.
* You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
* You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
* You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
* You drive to your neighborhood block party.
* Your family tree contains “significant others.”
* Your cat has its own psychiatrist.
* You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
* You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
* More than clothes come out of the closets.
* When “the Dead” are best live.
* You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
* More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
* Smoking in your office is not optional.
* You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
* When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must “do lunch.”
* Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
* Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
* You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
* You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
* A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
* When all highways into the state say: “no fruits.”
* All highways out of the state say: “Go back.”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
* Your state pays a bounty for killing the state mascot.
* You consider a six-inch snowfall a blessing for the cities because It provides instant urban renewal.
* You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping the food will swim by.
* You keep the snow tires on your truck all year because it isn’t worth taking them off for only two months.
* You believe that rushing out on the lakes with your pick-up in November is nature’s way of upgrading the state’s gene pool.
* You have a town with men foolish enough to play a tackle football snow bowl game on the Sunday after Christmas for 37 years in a row.
* You have friends who schedule their wedding in the middle of January without a thought about weather conditions.
* You are proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation.
* You think a basketball team consists of twelve white boys.
* All your kids at school are above average.
* All your women are strong.
* You don’t understand why everyone thinks Garrison Keillor is so funny.
* You KNOW there is no such place as Lake Wobegone, but you have drunk St. Wendell’s beer.
* You like to come in out of the sun when the temperature gets above 72.
* You instinctively walk like a penguin for three months out of the year.
* Someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there.
* Your Dad’s sun tan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.
* You have ever apologized to a telemarketer.
* You believe that REAL vehicles have skis in front and a loud motor under your seat.
* You have a nickname for your chain saw and you pat it on the fuel tank at the end of a hard day’s sawing.
* You may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk.
* You like the Winter Olympics better than the Summer Olympics.
* You beam with pride when some King or Hollywood super star comes to The Mayo Clinic to save their lives.
* You consider snow banks to be just another rough on the golf course.
* You have no “spring” sports season.
* You have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
* You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday.
* Your birthday was in April, and you still got to use the shovel right away.
* Your town has an equal number of bars and churches.
* You go to a high school basketball game, the score is 12-8 at halftime, and you don’t think there’s anything strange about that.
* You have ever had an entire telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
* You know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, and Shakopee.
* You think that ketchup is a little too spicy.
* You support the preservation of forests, farmland and wetlands because that’s where you hunt deer, pheasants and geese.
* You think it’s best to eat Jell-O after it’s molded.
* You consider Lime Jell-O a highly versatile food: a breakfast dish when it is filled with fruit, a salad when it has shredded carrots and dab of mayonnaise, and a dessert when topped with dream whip.
* You voted for Mondale.
* You never had to rewind any part of “Fargo” because you missed some of the dialogue.
* Your town isn’t trying to be ironic when it plans “winter carnival”.
* You always believed that vacation meant “going up north”
* Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.
* Your town has an annual festival honoring a fruit, vegetable ethnic food.
* You know where the “iron range” is.
* The temperature in March is above freezing for three days in a row, and you think it’s summer.
* You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard shutting down the entire East Coast.
* You understand, and can explain, illegal defense, the infield fly rule, and icing.
* The first time you saw “Grumpy Old Men” you thought it was a documentary.
* You think that “UFF DA” is a Standard English phrase.
* Your favorite sport when it’s cold outside is played where it’s cold inside.
* You can recite, from memory, more than a half-dozen “Ole and Lena”jokes.
* You know people named Ole and Lena.
* You thank God every morning for not making you an Iowan.
* You believe that bitter cold, a slippery surface, and speed go together in a sport and on the Interstate freeway.
* You hear that the stock market is up and you think the price of hogs has gained 50 cents per hundred in weight.
* You think of SPAM as a quality, all-purpose meat product whether served with eggs for breakfast, in a sandwich at noontime, or in a hot-dish for supper.
* Every time you see moonlight on a lake you think of a dancing bear, and sing, gently, “From the land of sky-blue water, Hamm’s, the beer refreshing. Hamm’s, the beer refreshing.”
* You remember the thrill of going to the top of the Foshay Tower.
* Your dog dies, your spouse leaves you, you lose your job, and your car breaks down, all on the same day, and the first thought that comes to your mind is, “It could be worse.”
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* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
* Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
* You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs.
* If there’s a war you can surrender really early.
* You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV.
* You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.
* You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
* Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
* You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
* People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.
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* When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
* Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
* The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
* Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
* Always look both ways when running a red light.
* Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
* Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
* Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.
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* The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
* The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
* Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
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* A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels.
* Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them.
* Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you’re going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
* The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
* Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance; he might not have much to lose, you do.)
* Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
* Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.
* The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make DC look progressive.
* Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to scare people entering the highway.
* Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make our nation’s Capitol look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.
* Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Beltway driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
* Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in downtown DC.
* Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you’re lucky, you may see the innocent breakdown victim get mugged, the proceeds of which are vested directly into the Democratic front runner’s campaign for mayor.
* Learn to swerve abruptly. The DC Metro area is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to VDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them on their toes.
* It is traditional in DC to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes. The city was founded upon such traditions.
* Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
* Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation.
* All unmarked exits lead to Southeast DC.
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* Thinks an income tax refund is a gift from the government.
* On seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, assumes it is a train.
* When given a compliment, always looks behind to see for whom it is intended.
* Knows the difference between the Northern Lights and a Northern Lite.
* Doesn’t know anyone who owns a flag.
* Finds Kentucky Fried Chicken “a bit too spicy”.
* Holds the world’s record for telephone use, probably listening to “Don’t hang up. Your call is important to us.”
* Is constantly pulling himself up by the roots to see whether he is still growing.
* Will drive to an unemployment protest meeting in his Toyota.
* Is convinced that democracy involves keeping your opinions to yourself.
* In a restaurant, apologizes for not being ready to order at the waiter’s convenience.
* Will travel across the border to buy cigarettes and return home for subsidized cancer therapy.
* Says “sorry” when you accidentally bump into him.
* Waits for the light to change before crossing a deserted intersection at 3 a.m.
* Takes as a signal for a standing ovation any two people who happen to be leaving during curtain calls.
* Believes the Free Trade Agreement is an agreement about free trade.
* Says “no big deal” to a sidewalk cyclist who’s just knocked him down.
* Considers turning up the thermostat an integral part of foreplay.
* Says “no thanks” to a telemarketing tape.
* Never sits in someone else’s seat, even if the ticket holder doesn’t show.
* Says hi to anyone walking a dog.
* Goes to hot-tub parties where people wear bathing suits.
* Finds himself thinking about sending off to “Hinterland: Who’s Who” for further information on the loon.
* Carries travelers checks in a money belt.
* Heartily proclaims, “Sure it’s 38 below, but it’s a dry cold.”
* When he musters enough courage to buy a Rolex watch, wears it hidden under a long-sleeve shirt and an Eaton’s suit.
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