Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
“Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don’t send any Jews. Please, no Jews,”
The lieutenant replied, “No problem ma’am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness.”
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. “But… But… There must be some mistake,” she stammered.
One of them replied, “No ma’am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn’t make mistakes.”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
* The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
* The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
* Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced “a typical Texas baby” weighing twenty pounds. Wow and congratulations was the reply from all in the bar.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, “Aren’t you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answered, “10 pounds.”
The bartender said, “Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds.”
The proud Texas father said, “Just had him circumcised!”
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Read all jokes from: America US (+264), Irish (+51), Travel (+295), Women (+407)
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable, the food is terrible, it’s too hot, it’s too cold, and the accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”
“We can’t come back tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”
“Well now,” the guide said, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”"And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed.
“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”
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Read all jokes from: Marriage (+787), Travel (+295)
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: “George and the Dragon.”
He knocked.
The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window.
“Could ye spare some victuals?”
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. “No!” she shouted.
“Could I have a pint of ale?”
“No!” she shouted.
“Could I at least use your privvy?”
“No!” she shouted again.
The vagabond said, “Might I please…?”
“What now?” the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
“D’ye suppose,” he asked, “that I might have a word with George?”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian says, “What’s meat?”
The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me? What’s excuse me?”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
- The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass.
- You greet people with “Howzyamomma’an’dem?” and hear back “Dey fine!”
- Every so often, you have waterfront property.
- When giving directions you use words like “uptown,” “downtown,” “backatown,” “riverside,” “lakeside,” “other side of the bayou” or “other side of the levee.”
- When you refer to a geographical location “way up North,” you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, “where it gets real cold.”
- You’ve ever had Community Coffee.
- You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can’t spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya)
- You don’t worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.
- You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. (Amen!)
- The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy “dressed” is healthier than a Caesar salad.
- You know the definition of “dressed.”
- You can eat Popeye’s, Haydel’s and Zapp’s for lunch and wash it down with Barq’s and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.
- The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab, and King Cake.
- You “wrench” your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.
- You’re not afraid when someone wants to “ax you something.”
- You don’t learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.
- You don’t realize until high school what a “county” is.
- You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors).
- You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people would refer to as a windbreaker) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads.
- Your last name isn’t pronounced the way it’s spelled.
- You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.
- You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.
- You describe a color as “K&B Purple.”
- You like your rice and politics dirty.
- You pronounce the largest city in the state as “Nawlins.”
- A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under the seat.
- You know those big roaches can fly, but you’re able to sleep at night anyway.
- You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.
- You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler:
- Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase “Free Ammo.”
- Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.
* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
* If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word blanket head.
* On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter.
* While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as “Petey-Boy.”
* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
* Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.
* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
- In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
- Not embarrassed to wear fur.
- No need to worry about tax returns.
- Glorious military history… well, till about 400 a.d.
- Can wear sunglasses inside.
- Political stability.
- Flexible working hours.
- Live near the Pope.
- Can spend hours braiding girlfriend’s armpit hair.
- Country run by Sicilian murderers.
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
Sister Mary Margaret enters O ‘Flynn’s liquor shop.
“I’d like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey”, she tells O ‘Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns.
“A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too.”
“Oh no, no,” Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. “It’s for Father Reilly.
His constipation, you know.”
O’Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag.
Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O’Flynn closes shop for the day.
On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret.
She’s rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.
“Sister!” O’Flynn scolds.
“And you said it was for Father Reilly’s constipation.”
“It is,” answers Sister Mary Margaret.
“When he sees me, he’s gonna shit!”
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