Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
DAY ONE
6:00 am: Get up early. Shower, shave, dance naked with the curtains open.
6:15 am: Put on my really cool, plaid, wrinkle-free suit. Hide the bodies and wipe off any possible finger prints.
6:30 am: Eat a half-rack of spare ribs and chug a pint of day old Yoo-Hoo. Lock the dog in a small, unlit closet with no food or water.
6:45 am: Leave a dead fish in the mailbox. Depart for the airport.
7:30 am: Check my bags. Chain smoke in the airport lavatory.
8:00 am: Board the plane. Scare the guy sitting next to me by stuffing my hands into my pants and yelling “down boy!”
8:15 am: Collect everyone’s airsick bags and weave them into a sexy nightie. Buzz the flight attendant and offer her a can of cocktail weenies.
8:30 am: Take off for Disneyland.
9:00 am: Use my laptop to send “messages from space” to the cockpit. Scream “There’s a man on the wing of this plane!” over and over until someone gives me a Valium.
9:05 am: Sleep, perchance to dream.
7:00 pm: Land at LAX Leave a special “ticking package” in the airplane lavatory.
7:15 pm: Be the first one off the plane by declaring that the kidney in my carry on bag must be delivered by sundown.
7:25 pm: While exiting the plane, announce to the folks waiting to transfer “Damn that captain can put away some tequila!”
7:30 pm: Club an airport employee and steal his golf cart. Claim someone else’s luggage.
7:45 pm: Hail a cab. When the driver says “Where to?”, wink and ask to go back to his place.
7:50 pm: Get some ice for my head wound. Walk to the hotel.
8:30 pm: Check in at the hotel. Go to the hotel bar and stuff beer nuts into my nose until asked to leave.
8:45 pm: Strip down to my dainty underthings and hang out in the lobby. Beg for change in the lobby until asked to leave.
9:00 pm: Pee in the fountain. Proposition the bell hops. Go to my room.
9:15 pm: Unpack.
9:30 pm: Toss the TV over the balcony. 10 pts if it lands in the pool. 50 pts if I kill a pedestrian. 100 pts if I kill a swimming pedestrian.
9:45 pm: Sing to my toothbrush. Cut eye holes in the bed linens and “haunt” the adjoining guest rooms.
9:50 pm: Use C4 and fishing line to set trip wires for the maid.
10:00 pm: Put on my golf shoes and very little else. Find the roughest cowboy bar in town.
10:30 pm: Drink a shot of Jagermeister for every letter of the Chinese alphabet. Walk from person to person in the bar, point to someone else and say: “You gonna let him talk about your mom like that?”
10:35 pm: Leave quickly and quietly.
11:00 pm: Return to the hotel. Call room service and order poached eggs for everyone on my floor.
11:15 pm: Hide in the hallway and taunt passers by with my anatomically correct sock puppets.
11:30 pm: Do unspeakable things to myself with a hand mixer until the wee hours of the morning.
3:00 am: Sleep…for tomorrow is another day.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
* You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
* You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
* You can make instant sun tea.
* You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
* The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly…
* You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
* You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
* You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
* Hot water now comes out of both taps.
* It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
* You actually burn your hand opening the car door…
* You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
* No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning…
* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________
Sex:___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female____both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___
Please list:
Brand of cell phone: ________.
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check haircolor:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ________
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ________
TEST
If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You’re not sure what “rain” is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, should you:
a) Pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready,
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don’t.
If it’s fizzy and flavored, it’s tonic. Soda is club soda. Pop is dad. When we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic WATER.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
It’s not a water fountain, it’s a bubblah.
It’s not a trash can, it’s a barrel.
It’s not a shopping cart, it’s a carriage.
It’s not a purse, it’s a pockabook.
Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it and eat it with baked beans.
They’re not franks, they’re haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.
“Inebriated again!” declared the priest. “Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?”
“Father,” asked McCuen. “What causes arthritis?”
“I’ll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.
How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t,” slurred McCuen. “The Bishop has it!”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
Don’t call it Beantown.
Don’t pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They’ll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Sommerville).
Don’t swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don’t sleep in the Common.
Don’t wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick’s Day.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
* You realize that your favorite dessert is wooder ice (It comes in churry, strawburry, and other assorted flavors).
* You find yourself using “Yo” and “Youse guys” when talking long distance to family members.
* You know how to spell Schuylkill.
* You think $2,500 for insurance on a ’79 Toyota is a bargain.
* You find yourself at a nice restaurant thinking, “This would only be three bucks at a truckstop.”
* You can sleep soundly through gunshots in the neighborhood.
* You visit New York and notice how clean it is.
* You believe that the car on your side, flashing its turn signal, wants you to close the gap with the car in front.
* You can’t eat fries without Cheeze Whiz.
* You find street people greet you by first name.
* You don’t think Wawa sounds funny.
* You snub a cheesesteak that isn’t on an Amoroso roll.
* Your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles all live on the same block.
* You love scrapple for breakfast.
* You took a vacation at the shore (and liked it).
* You know where to find the Rocky statue.
* Only tourists go to Geno and Pat’s for an authentic cheesesteak.
* You buy soft pretzels at a traffic light.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
The Devil wanted a place on earth.
Sort of a summer home:
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Arizona.
A place both wretched and rough.
Here the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys were hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
and ordered no rain to fall:
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren desert
He transplanted shrubs from Hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear –
The climate suited them well.
Now, the home was much to his liking.
But animal life, he had none:
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake.
With its forked poisonous tongue:
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow its young.
Then he made Scorpions and Lizards
And the ugly old Horned Toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter.
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old Horned Toad looked ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom.
As any creator would:
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
‘Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his wearthy brow.
So he took off his coat and vest.
“By Golly,” he finally panted
“I did my job too well.
I’m going back where I came from
Arizona is hotter than Hell!”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
• Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
• Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
• Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
• I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni
• Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?
• An unauthorized execution
Lin Ching
• I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
• He’s cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
• I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
1. Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.
2. Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
3. Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.
4. You’re being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That’s a sign you’re being stalked by Chaka Khan.)
5. You don’t recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
6. Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, “I bet you’re magically delicious!”
7. When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing “Danny Boy.”
8. Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.
9. Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.
10. Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, “Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?”
11. Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.
12. Them little green pellets in the litter box ain’t M&M’s, Chester.
13. Every day this week you’ve noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
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