Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
* You have taken your kids trick or treating in a blizzard.
* You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one meter above the ground!
* You only have four spices, salt…pepper…ketchup…and Tabasco.
* The dang mosquitoes have landing lights.
* Kids Halloween costumes fit over snowsuits.
* Driving is better in winter because the snow covers the potholes up.
* Everyone has hundreds of recipes for moose meat.
* You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
* At least twice a year the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
* Sexy lingerie is fleece socks and flannel nightie, but with only eight buttons.
* Snow blower gets stuck on the roof again.
* The most effective bug repellant in Alaska that works is a shotgun.
* The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
* You find -60c a tad chilly.
* The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
* You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
* You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won’t prowl your deck.
* Moose season is a state holiday!
* The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
* Shoveling the driveway constitutes great upper body workout.
* You know the four seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
* You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels, and your bunny boots.
* The major parish fundraiser isn’t bingo, it’s sausage making.
* Two speed limits in Alaska, the get outta my way limit, and taking cover limit.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds.
“Aaah!” he said. “We’re right over my homeland.”
“How can you tell?” asked the American.
“I can feel the cold air,” he replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. “Aah we’re right over my homeland,” he said.
“How do you know that?” asked the Russian.
“I can feel the heat of the desert.”
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. “Aah, we’re right over New York.”
The Russian and the African were amazed.
“How do you know all of that?!” they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up and said, “My watch is missing.”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven – others, though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into a burning pit of fire.
Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him (or her) to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the better of him and he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, there, Prince of Darkness,” he said. “I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”
“Ah”, Satan said with a grin. “They are people from Seattle; they’re still too wet to burn!”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses and two Hancock buildings (one old, one new).
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It’s the Sox, The Pats (or Patsies if they’re losing), the Seltz, the Broons.
The underground train is not the subway. It’s the T and it doesn’t run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain’t Noo Yawk).
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler:
- Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase “Free Ammo.”
- Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.
* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
* If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word blanket head.
* On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter.
* While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as “Petey-Boy.”
* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
* Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.
* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
• I thought Graceland was tacky.
• No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
• Do you think my hair is too big?
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
• The tires on that truck are too big.
• I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
• Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?
• Damned if that polititian ain’t honest!
• We’re vegetarians.
• I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
• You can’t feed that to the dog.
• Trim the fat off that steak.
• I just love the Opera
• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
• Wrasslin’s fake.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
* The “road hog” in front of you on Main Street is a farmer’s combine.
* The local phone book has only one yellow page.
* Third Street is on the edge of town.
* You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it’s still there, on the same chair.
* You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going, anyway.
* No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
* You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
* Everyone knows all the news before it’s published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
* The city limits signs are both on the same post!
* The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
* The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
* The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 – 5 1/2.
* The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.
* The phone book has only one page.
* There’s nothing doing every minute.
* The ZIP code is a fraction.
* Second Street is in the next town over.
* There’s no place to go that you shouldn’t.
* A “Night on the Town” takes only 11 minutes.
* The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.
* The New Year’s baby was born in October.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler:
- Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase “Free Ammo.”
- Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.
* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
* If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word blanket head.
* On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter.
* While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as “Petey-Boy.”
* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
* Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.
* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
(subject to change at any time):
When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
Double park in the North End of Boston, unless triple parking is available.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them on their toes.
Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
Always look both ways when running a red light.
Honk your horn the instant the light changes.
Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps in the road, speed up loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Peds have no rights.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
- You’re 5’4″, can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
- Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.
- You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.
- Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
- You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.
- Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law’s brother-in-law.
- You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.
- Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your “Just do me” tank top to the beach.
- At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
- All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
- A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of “professor” among your aunts.
- You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
- If someone in your family grows beyond 5’6″, it is presumed his mother had an affair.
- There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
- You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
- At some point in your life, you were a D.J
- 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say “Pronto” when answering the phone.
- You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone’s thespian greatness.
- Somewhere on your parents’ property, there is a bathtub Madonna.
- You build your house with 3 materials…. brick, brick and wrought iron.
- You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.
- Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.
- It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.
- Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, “He shoulda kept his big yap shut.”
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