Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced “a typical Texas baby” weighing twenty pounds. Wow and congratulations was the reply from all in the bar.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, “Aren’t you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answered, “10 pounds.”
The bartender said, “Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds.”
The proud Texas father said, “Just had him circumcised!”
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee bit late
one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood,
those O’Gradys!”
“That’s nothing,” says Sean. “Here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that
he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O’Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!”
Just then, Shamus yells out, “Forget him, here’s a fella that lived to
be 145 years old!”
“What was his name?” ask Paddy & Sean.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles…”
“Miles who?” ask Paddy & Sean
“To Dublin!”
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Chirac paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Chirac asks.
“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Chirac sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”
“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Chirac. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:
Day 1: The “10 Deadliest Snakes” Fall Tour
You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world’s 10 most deadly snakes.
Day 2: The “Great White Encounter”
You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark.
Day 3: The Aboriginal “Festival of Spears”
You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.
Day 4: The “Crocodile Dundee” Petting Zoo
You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.
Day 5: “Those Marvelous Morays”
This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.
We hope you will enjoy your trip!
Your loyal employees.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
- You’re 5’4″, can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
- Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.
- You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.
- Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
- You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.
- Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law’s brother-in-law.
- You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.
- Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your “Just do me” tank top to the beach.
- At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
- All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
- A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of “professor” among your aunts.
- You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
- If someone in your family grows beyond 5’6″, it is presumed his mother had an affair.
- There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
- You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
- At some point in your life, you were a D.J
- 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say “Pronto” when answering the phone.
- You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone’s thespian greatness.
- Somewhere on your parents’ property, there is a bathtub Madonna.
- You build your house with 3 materials…. brick, brick and wrought iron.
- You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.
- Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.
- It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.
- Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, “He shoulda kept his big yap shut.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996), Travel (+295)
Rabbi Rabinovitz is going on holiday to Israel. He arrives at Heathrow Airport and goes to have his luggage checked in.
“Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” asks the girl at the check-in desk.
Rabbi Rabinovitz replies, “Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?”
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Read all jokes from: America US (+264), Travel (+295)
The following are actual stories told by travelers from Mendocino County, California to travel agents in the UK…
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response… click.
A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of LA Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
I got a call from a man who asked, “is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”
A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
“Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don’t send any Jews. Please, no Jews,”
The lieutenant replied, “No problem ma’am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness.”
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. “But… But… There must be some mistake,” she stammered.
One of them replied, “No ma’am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn’t make mistakes.”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven – others, though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into a burning pit of fire.
Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him (or her) to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the better of him and he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, there, Prince of Darkness,” he said. “I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”
“Ah”, Satan said with a grin. “They are people from Seattle; they’re still too wet to burn!”
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
An American tourist was walking along a London street on a windy day, when he noticed a beautiful woman walking towards him.
Suddenly, a gust of wind blew the woman’s dress up, to reveal that she was wearing no knickers.
The American, trying to sound as English as possible, said to the woman: “It’s a bit airy, isn’t it, love?”
The woman scowled and replied angrily: “What the heck did you expect, feathers?”
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