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Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4660), Policemen (+247)
A blonde was driving her car and she kept turning. Finally, a cop pulled her over and asked her why she was turning in circles. She answered, “Well officer I kept turning but their was a tree always in my way.” The officer shoke his head and said, “Ma’dam, that’s your air freshioner.
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
WHAT IS SAID / WHAT IS MEANT While on routine patrol… / I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed. The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner / He had a bumper sticker that said “SLOW DOWN-DON’T FEED THE PIGS!” The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control. / It was raining. I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner. / The dirt-bag let go with an “oink” when I walked by. Knowing the suspect had a criminal history… / He puked on my uniform one night. The information is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past. / I’ve got two theft cases hanging over my head. While being arrested, this subject resisted being injured in the act. / He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses. The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations. / I wrote one citation for each swear word. Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside say, “Come in.” / The rock music was so loud they wouldn’t have heard Patton’s army, so I kicked in the door. The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies. / I sent them to a non-existent address which I called the “Command Post.” I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding. / She was a good looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over. The Chief appeared at the scene and took command. / I sent him to the same address as the reporters. Further interview of the witness was impossible due to conditions. / It was my bowling night. The defendant asked the officer’s advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment. / I told him he didn’t have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.
Read all jokes from:Driving (+102), Policemen (+247)
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
Read all jokes from:Law (+1197), Policemen (+247)
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn’t you know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, BOY?” Bob thought for a second and said, “Uhh, 60?” “67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!” said the cop. “But if you already knew officer,” replied Bob, “Why did you ask me?” Fuming over Bob’s answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!” The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!” Bob answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!” The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob’s fish catch, said, “What kind of a job would a bum like you have?” “I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Bob. “What you say, BOY?” asked the patrolman. “I’m a rectum stretcher!” The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?” Bob explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across.” The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?” Bob nonchalantly answered, “You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!”
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
- If you have cleared the entire house (or apartment), encountered no resistance and have not cussed out once, you hit the wrong house. - The newly elected Sheriff is not the one you voted for, and he knows it! - Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off. - Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift. - You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station. - Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud. - The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase. - The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke. - Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is “Boom-Boom”. - If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction. - To err is human, to forgive is against department policy. - You will find a “police discount” one day before payday. - Shatterproof flashlights seldom are. - Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you. - No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas. - Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break. - The oldest squad car won’t be retired. It will be assigned to you. - Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day. - Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours. - Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff. - You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions. - If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you. - The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer. - Bullet proof vests might be. - Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit. - Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density. - Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket. - NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet. - You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training. - The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting. - Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done. - In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks. - Do unto others, but do it first. - There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives. - You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray. - No one’s idea is a good idea until it becomes anothers idea…usually the Chief’s. - There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss. - All great discoveries are made by mistake. - If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. - The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. - Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. - Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. - High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic. - If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs. - If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at. - Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen). - If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on the 6 o’clock news. - Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, and others who consider themselves immortal. - When a civilian sees a blue lights approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the you need to use. - You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don’t need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do. - Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol. - On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be. - Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn’t do it. - The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, civilian complaints, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
Read all jokes from:Driving (+102), Policemen (+247)
In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window, “How can I help you?” “I am the red bastard of the asphalt. You got something to eat?” With a smile in his face, he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt. You got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing, our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “So, let me guess, you’re the blue bastard of the asphalt, and just what the hell do you want?” “Driver’s license and registration, please.”
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out. “YOU’RE DRUNK!” exclaimed the police officer. “Thank God for that!” said the drunk, “I thought the steering had gone.”
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
* He refers to you as “our mascot.” * Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol. * Your locker is also the broom closet. * The job description in your contract includes “crash test dummy” and “pepper-spray test subject.” * He sends you on drug raids – alone. * He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up. * He makes up “missing persons” and then sends you to look for them. * You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery and a broken air conditioner. * He lied to you about an “officer exchange program” and put you on a plane to Siberia. * He doesn’t like to be seen with you in public.
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians. American : “In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police.” Russian : “In Russia we don’t require that you dial anything.”
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