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Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662), Policemen (+247)
A blonde was driving her car and she kept turning. Finally, a cop pulled her over and asked her why she was turning in circles. She answered, “Well officer I kept turning but their was a tree always in my way.” The officer shoke his head and said, “Ma’dam, that’s your air freshioner.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200), Monkey (+37), Policemen (+247)
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” he monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “Well, did you see this?”
Read all jokes from:Driving (+102), Policemen (+247)
In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window, “How can I help you?” “I am the red bastard of the asphalt. You got something to eat?” With a smile in his face, he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt. You got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing, our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “So, let me guess, you’re the blue bastard of the asphalt, and just what the hell do you want?” “Driver’s license and registration, please.”
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What’s the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park…and couldn’t find his way home. ” Oy Morris “, said grandma, ” You’ve been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? ” Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear. Morris whispered, ” I wasn’t lost…..I was just too tired to walk home.”
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
* I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. * Sorry, Officer. I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. * Aren’t you that guy from the Village People? * Hey, you must have been doin’ at least 120 mph to keep up with me. Good job! * I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop. * I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. * You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you? * Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on COPS? * Is it true that people become cops because they’re too dumb to work at McDonald’s? * I pay your salary! * Gee, Officer…that’s terrific…the last officer only gave me a warning too! * Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. * I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that’s how far ahead of me they are. * What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist. * No, YOU assume the position. * I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! * If I bend over, will I still get a ticket? * No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog. * No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph. * Back off, Barney, I’ve got a piece. * Want to race to the station, Sparky? * I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men! * On the way to the station let’s get a six pack. * You’ll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo! * Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! * Hey, wasn’t your daughter a porn queen? * How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. * Hey officer is that your nightstick, or are you just glad to see me? * What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway? * I know I was weaving, but I can’t find the Honeycomb Hideout!
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730), Policemen (+247)
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. 3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.” The woman answered, “Well, I have contacts.” The policeman replied, “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
Read all jokes from:Driving (+102), Over the Hill (+599), Policemen (+247)
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly …twenty- two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks. “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142.”
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street. A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”
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