How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
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Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
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Read all jokes from:Business (+59)
I’m always delighted when people stick their noses in my business – my company makes paper tissues.
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Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
* No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
* The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
* The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you”.
* Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long – term memory for later retrieval.
* As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
* They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
* They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
* As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
* In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
* Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
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Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?” “Nah,” the first girl replied. “That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all.” The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?” “Ugh!” the first girl exclaimed. “Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!” The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?” “Well,” the first girl replied, “his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!”
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Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
This is CREEPY! Try it. Seriously, you need to do this! It only takes about 30 seconds. Don’t cheat!
Think of a letter between A and W …
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down …
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Keep going! Don’t stop …
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Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down …
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Keep goin’ …
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Think of a man’s/woman’s name that begins with the last letter in that animal. Say it out loud as you scroll down …
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Almost there …
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Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
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Take the hand you counted with, smack yourself in the head, get back to work, and quit playing stupid e-mail games! Don’t tell the secret to others, send them this e-mail! Smile and have a great day!
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Read all jokes from:Law (+1197)
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, “Hippocrates, come!” Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.
Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!” Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called “Bullshit, come!” Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.
Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
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Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
@IRS
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201), Professional (+1060), Rabbit (+29)
A man was driving along one day and he hit a rabbit. Feeling terrible he stopped and got out of the car to see if it was badly hurt. To his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Unsure what to do, the man runs to the nearest building, which happens to be a salon.
He says to the hairdresser, “I’ve just hit and killed a rabbit in the middle of the road! What should I do?”
The hairstylist thinks a Moment, then says “I think I have just the thing.” He grabs a few bottles from a shelf and runs out to the rabbit. Opening the bottles, he poured the contents onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit jumps up, shakes itself, looks around, then hops of. It went a few feet, then turned and waved, went a few more feet, then turned and waved again.
This odd behavior continued untill the rabbit was out of sight.
The man looked and the Hairdresser in amazement and says, “Wow! What did you do?”
“Oh,” the stylist responded,” I gave it a hair revitilisant with a wave!”
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Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
The Wonders of Investing!
If it seems as if all investors are selling,
who is buying?
If trading has become entertainment,
it may be time to refocus on profits.
If your stock has reached an annual low,
can it go any lower?
If your stock has reached an annual high,
can it go any higher?
If all the television analysts jumped off a bridge,
would anyone care?
If your portfolio is based solely on fundamental analysis,
perhaps it is time to learn technical analysis.
If I said you had a beautiful portfolio,
would you hold it against an index?
If you are tired of losing value on the long side,
perhaps its time to learn
both sides of the market.
If you do not have a written financial plan,
you should.
If you could put aside $205
at the beginning of each month
for thirty-five years,
with an 11% annualized return
you may save over $1 million.
If you have stopped looking at your portfolio statements,
does that mean your game plan is off?
If a fool and his money are easily separated,
who introduced the two?
If buy and hold is your philosophy,
why do you need a broker?
If a tree falls in the forest
does it ruin the stock market for the day?
If someone invented a computer program
for investments that proved 100% correct all the time,
we would never know about it.
If you think the market capitulated,
you are not in a state of selling hysteria.
If 1,000,000 lemmings jump,
can they all be wrong?
If you want to know what Greenspan
thinks about economics,
count the times he smiles.
If you expect nothing of your portfolio,
you will not be disappointed.
If you are a rational investor,
can you benefit from an irrational market?
If you managed your money like the government,
you would take money from your neighbor
and spend it on stock options that expire this week.
If you are confused with the opinions of the media,
create your own.
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Read all jokes from:Law (+1197)
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won’t do.
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