A priest announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”
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Read all jokes from:Financial (+1216)
A priest announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”
Read all jokes from:HR (+462)
Job Interview Quotations Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates. “What is it that you people do at this company?” “What is the company motto?” “Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?” “What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?” “Why do you want references?” “Do I have to dress for the next interview?” “I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?” “Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?” “Will the company pay to relocate my horse?” “Does your health insurance cover pets?” “Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?” “Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?” “Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?” “Why am I here?” Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I feel uneasy indoors. Sometimes I feel like smashing things. Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. I get excited very easily. I am fascinated by fire. I like tall women. People are always watching me. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. I never get hungry. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. I think I’m going to throw-up.
Read all jokes from:Religious (+827)
The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!” The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?” The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
Number of physicians in the U.S. 700,000 Number of gun owners in the U.S. 80,000,000 Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Scary, huh?
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1216)
A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota. The woman asks: will this cure my illness? Answer of the doctor: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.
Read all jokes from:HR (+462)
Thirty-five employees take diversity training once a week for one month. Assuming 11 employees refuse to attend, 19 fall asleep during at least two of the sessions, and three forget everything they learned, what is your ROI? On the first casual Friday, Rachel leaves 40 inches of skin on her body exposed. Each week, she decides to expose an extra five inches in addition to the 40. (On the Fridays before holidays, however, she exposes an extra seven). How long before she’s coming to work naked? A real-live human being is available to speak with you at your HMO if you call within a 47-second period each day. When this period occurs depends on the number of other callers during that day. Assuming your city’s population is 1.5 million, and 1/3 are covered under a managed care plan, and 16% of those covered are covered by the same plan as yours, what are the odds you won’t get voice mail? Jeanne works 13 hours per day for eight weeks straight. Assuming your EAP charges you at a rate of $.50 per phone call, what will your added costs be after the two months are up? According to your recent audit, employees spend 11% of their time researching sports online; 4% researching stocks; 28% e-mailing friends; 2% downloading pornography; and 58% of their time at Ebay(r). How many Gigabytes will your computer network need to be in order to house company data? You are considering instituting a zero-tolerance policy on drugs. At the same time, you have 50 new applicants originating from Woodstock ’99. How many can you expect to pass the background check? Josh is working as independent contractor, selling your company’s training CDs in Cincinnati, which is located in Ohio, Kentucky and Indiana. Given this information, how many federal and state laws are you likely to break? Please choose one: You are told at a secret meeting that your company is going to be acquiring a large telecommunications outfit (you are in charge of workforce integration). Assuming you purchase the telecom stock in two weeks at $25.50 per share, and you expect a PE ratio of 26 in the year 2004, how much time can you expect to do for insider trading?
Read all jokes from:Airline (+39), Over the Hill (+599)
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. “I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+246)
* I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. * Sorry, Officer. I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. * Aren’t you that guy from the Village People? * Hey, you must have been doin’ at least 120 mph to keep up with me. Good job! * I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop. * I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. * You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you? * Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on COPS? * Is it true that people become cops because they’re too dumb to work at McDonald’s? * I pay your salary! * Gee, Officer…that’s terrific…the last officer only gave me a warning too! * Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. * I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that’s how far ahead of me they are. * What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist. * No, YOU assume the position. * I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! * If I bend over, will I still get a ticket? * No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog. * No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph. * Back off, Barney, I’ve got a piece. * Want to race to the station, Sparky? * I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men! * On the way to the station let’s get a six pack. * You’ll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo! * Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! * Hey, wasn’t your daughter a porn queen? * How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. * Hey officer is that your nightstick, or are you just glad to see me? * What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway? * I know I was weaving, but I can’t find the Honeycomb Hideout!
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?” The other replies, “That was no piccolo, that was my fife.”
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)
* Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond Stealth Video Card. * You’re in bed, making it, and it reminds you of how it must feel to be a floppy disk going into your new drive. * You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean…but damned if you can remember your wife’s maiden name. * You sit in front of the tv…trying to type at a keyboard. * You “right click”….on your wife’s nipples. * The “cute name” for your member has changed to “Joystick”….and you hold it the same way. * You find out that Hemorrhoids aren’t THAT painful, as long as you’re on the ‘Net. * When someone yells out “What’s for supper?” you do a search for SUPPER.COM. * Whenever your wife mentions “protection”, you remind yourself that you gotta get a keyboard protector. * You suspect there’s a virus in your mashed potatoes.
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