Read all jokes from: Medical (+1843)
NUTTY NUTS
A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up nuts!” The inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts!” They all sat.
After a home run he yelled, “Cheer nuts!” They all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress.
Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, “Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”
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Read all jokes from: Technology (+1819)
The company CEO has moved from the corner office to the ledge outside the corner office.
The manager informs you that the drinks in the company fridge haven’t been free and hands you a $4,800 Snapple bill.
The company president asks if anyone has a problem giving out a little astrological advice over the phone while they work.
The head of R&D is spending more and more time in the park across street with a metal detector he refers to as his “search engine.”
There’s now 10-year-old Indonesian boys on either side of you assembling Nike running shoes.
Management is now using copies of the company prospectus exclusively for rolling papers.
Next time you see the company’s founder, he is wearing a paper hat and telling you which one is the Diet Coke.
The human resources manager informs you that (though it wasn’t spelled out in black and white) giving conventioneers body massages was indeed implied in your job description, and that it could also involve a little “converging,” if you know what he means.
You arrive at work to find that all the computers have been replaced with Etch-a-Sketches.
Your boss concedes that he might be out of his teens before he’s able to retire.
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Read all jokes from: Financial (+1218)
The scene is a conference of professors of marketing. The keynote speaker is an eminent economist. The chairman, who sees himself as a bit of a wag, says,
“I would like to introduce my eminent colleague and friend. He’s an economist, one of those people who turn random numbers into mathematical laws.”
The economist, not to be outdone, replies, “My friend, here, is a marketer. They reverse the process.”
A Swedish contribution: “Economics is like red whine – you shouldn’t smell it but drink it, but if you drink too much on one occasion, there is a risk for dizziness”
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Read all jokes from: Technology (+1819)
I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.
So, I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat. Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with her. Figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone. She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn’t help me and walked away……huh, must not have had any in stock.
In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked it they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed. He started laughing at me – said something about me trying to kill him. You’re killing me! something like that, and walked away. Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard to keep in stock. I wasn’t trying to kill him. I wasn’t even hurting him.
The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I’d just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I’d never been on a turnip truck, but I’d fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about that explaining it. She’s fallen off the wagon, that explains it…. like that and walked away laughing.
The guy in the fourth store said something like boob under his breath and walked away. Wonder why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores….maybe have to order from a catalog or something.
So that’s where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it, then all I’d have to do is figure out what to do with it.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
(subject to change at any time):
When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
Double park in the North End of Boston, unless triple parking is available.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them on their toes.
Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
Always look both ways when running a red light.
Honk your horn the instant the light changes.
Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps in the road, speed up loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Peds have no rights.
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Read all jokes from: Technology (+1819)
Ten Signs You Should Join E-Mailers Anonymous
1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. Your firstborn is named dot-com.
3. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap… and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.
7. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
8. You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape.
9. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
10. Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to a friend.
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Read all jokes from: Military (+606)
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: “So how are your men?”
“Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.”
“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.”
“I’d like to see that.”
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”
“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”
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Read all jokes from: Technology (+1819)
* ‘Ome is where you ‘ang your @.
* The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
* You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
* Great groups from little icons grow.
* C: is the root of all directories.
* Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.
* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
* The modem is the message.
* Too many clicks spoil the browse.
* The geek shall inherit the earth.
* Don’t byte off more than you can view.
* Fax is stranger than fiction.
* What boots up must come down.
* Windows will never cease.
* In Gates we trust.
* Modulation in all things.
* Virtual reality is its own reward.
* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
* Know what to expect before you connect.
* Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
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Read all jokes from: Military (+606)
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general’s body between two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000.00.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.00
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, “From the tip of my penis to the tip of my balls.” The pension man said that would be fine but he’d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.
The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop ‘em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back.
“My God!” he said, “Where are your balls?”
“The general replied,” in Vietnam.”
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Read all jokes from: Law (+1200)
The old adage that “It takes a thief to catch a thief” may indeed be true.
But these days there’s a 3rd thief involved pleading the case — the lawyer.
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