Man: Doctor, me leg keeps talkin’ to me.
Doc: Don’t be ridiculous!
Leg: Lend us a fiver!
Man: Told ya.
Leg: Giz a tenner!
Doc: My God!
Leg: Eh
Doc, can you spare 20 quid?
Doc: I know your problem. Your leg’s broke!
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Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)
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Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
It’s never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn’t as painful as kidney stones. Here’s how:
Let go of the mouse.
Turn off the computer.
Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.
Eat something other than taco chips.
Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.
Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.
Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don’t tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.
Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.
When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.
If you see someone, say “Hi” to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.
Visit a friend that you haven’t spoken to in years because they don’t have an email address.
Have “.com” officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with someone you didn’t meet in a chat room.
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Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it “solo.”
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Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton.
Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”
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Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
You know Greenspan’s been around Sooooo long he remembers the tulip bubble!
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Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)
I tried to follow my doctor’s advice and give up smoking cigarettes and try chewing gum instead – but the matches kept getting stuck and the gum wouldn’t light.
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Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)
If it is dry – add moist; if it is moisten – add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.
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Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
‘Twas a quiet night,
And all through the house,
No one was home,
Not even the spouse.
I was real horny,
With no one here who would care,
So I dialed AOL,
To see if My friends were there.
I looked at my buddy list,
To see who was online,
While visions of cyber-sex,
Danced through my mind.
When all of a sudden,
Who on my list should appear,
Just the best little cyber-babe,
I’d ever had here.
I IM’d her with “hey darlin”,
Kisses, hugs, and hello,
When I suggested a private room,
She said ‘lets go”.
I made up a name,
We both clicked, and were in,
Anticipating the fun that,
Was about to begin.
We {S kissed and {S hugged,
Then our clothes we did shuck,
It was just then,
I ran out of luck.
Naked and hot,
To the imaginary bed we scooted,
When the next thing I knew,
I had been booted.
I ranted and raved,
And cursed AOL,
For taking my money and,
Putting me through hell.
I signed on again,
And impatiently waited,
Hoping and praying,
Her lust hadn’t abated.
I was finally online and,
To the room I did dash,
To my little cyber-girl,
And heaven at last.
We got past the foreplay,
Were cyber-fuckin and then,
To my utter frustration,
I was booted again.
I cursed AOL,
As I got back online,
For what I swore would be,
The very last time.
We got down to business,
And as the end neared,
It happened again,
That thing that I feared.
Now the first was bad timing,
The second rough,
But the third time booted,
I’d had enough.
A letter I wrote,
Addressed to Steve Case,
Telling him what I would do,
If we ever came face to face.
I wrote in great detail,
Just how he would pay,
For my getting booted,
Three times getting layed.
You may think this funny,
A ass-slappin hoot,
But the next time you cyber,
WATCH OUT FOR THE BOOT
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Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)
PHYSICAL EXAMINATION
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid’s little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and say, “You shouldn’t laugh, it’s been swollen like that for two weeks now!”
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