Read all jokes from: Medical (+1843)
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he arrives at the girl’s house. She enthusiastically greets him at the door, then leads him into the dining room, where they are joined by her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.
He begins the prayer, and continues praying for what seems the longest time. When he finally finishes, the girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”
He whispers back to her, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!”
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Read all jokes from: Medical (+1843)
The FDA says pilots shouldn’t go into the cockpit until 6 hours have elapsed after using Viagra. Strange, I thought you used Viagra to get INTO the cockpit.
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Read all jokes from: Technology (+1819)
Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Microsoft engineer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers the Apple employee.
They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple employees don’t buy any ticket, at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an Apple employee.
When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple employees cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please…”
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Read all jokes from: Technology (+1819)
* Their No. 1 product would be “Microsoft Winders.”
* Instead of an hourglass icon, you’d get an empty beer bottle.
* Occasionally, you’d bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
* Instead of “Yes,” “No,” or “Cancel,” dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Aww-right,” “Naw,” or “Git.”
* Instead of “Ta-Dah!” the opening sound would be “Dueling Banjos.”
* The “Recycle Bin” in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
* Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you’d hear “Freebird!”
* Instead of “Start Me Up,” the Winders95 theme song would be “Boot Scootin’ Boogie.”
* Powerpoint would be named “ParPawnt.”
* Instead of “VP,” Microsoft big shots would be called “Cuz.”
* Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
* Daisy Duke screen saver.
* “Well, the first thing you know old Bill’s a billionaire…”
* Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
* Microsoft CEO “Billy-Bob” (a.k.a. “Bubba”) Gates.
* “ParPawnt” would have a “Pond Scum” and a “Junk Yard” presentation template.
* One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12-gauge shotgun.
* “This computer protected by Smith and Wesson” screen saver.
* Directions to Corporate Headquarters: “Down the road a block or so.”
* Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker, “Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me.”
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Read all jokes from: Music (+2466)
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: “We make the best violins on the block.”
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Read all jokes from: Military (+607)
An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.
A visitor asked a student: “Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?”
“We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!” explained the student.
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Read all jokes from: Technology (+1819)
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she down loaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
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Read all jokes from: Music (+2466)
What’s the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
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Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
* The “road hog” in front of you on Main Street is a farmer’s combine.
* The local phone book has only one yellow page.
* Third Street is on the edge of town.
* You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it’s still there, on the same chair.
* You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going, anyway.
* No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
* You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
* Everyone knows all the news before it’s published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
* The city limits signs are both on the same post!
* The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
* The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
* The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 – 5 1/2.
* The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.
* The phone book has only one page.
* There’s nothing doing every minute.
* The ZIP code is a fraction.
* Second Street is in the next town over.
* There’s no place to go that you shouldn’t.
* A “Night on the Town” takes only 11 minutes.
* The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.
* The New Year’s baby was born in October.
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Read all jokes from: Military (+607)
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
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