Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Technology (+1817)
12 – Step Internet Recovery Program:
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet – deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
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Read all jokes from: Music (+2468)
Q – What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
A – They both suck without Cream
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Read all jokes from: Medical (+1842)
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me either doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
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Read all jokes from: Financial (+1218)
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?” “Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said… Here lies a stockbroker and an honest man.”
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Read all jokes from: Religious (+827)
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Ben, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB’s in the other. He tripped and the BB’s, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Ben could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Ben’s mother and said, “Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?”
Jane replied, “Nothing new, why do you ask?”
“Well,” said Mary, “this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary…”
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Read all jokes from: Financial (+1218)
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
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Read all jokes from: Technology (+1817)
For immediate issue:
Password Security Guidelines V2.2b
Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely.
Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.
1. Minimum length 12 characters.
2. Not in any dictionary.
3. No word or phrase bearing any connection to the holder.
4. Containing no characters in the ASCII character set.
5. No characters typeable on a Sun type 5 keyboard.
6. No subset of one character or more must have appeared on Usenet news, rand(3), or the King James bible (version 0.1 alpha)
7. Must be quantum theoretically secure, i.e. must automatically change if observed (to protect against net sniffing).
8. Binary representation must not contain any of the sequences 00 01 10 11, commonly known about in hacker circles.
9. Be provably different from all other passwords on the internet.
10. Not be representable in any human language or written script.
11. Color passwords must use a minimum 32 bit palette.
12. Changed prior to every use.
13. Resistant to revelation under threat of physical violence.
14. Contain tissue samples of at least 3 vital organs.
15. Must contain both upper and lower case characters as well as at least 2 numbers.
16. Undecodable by virtue of application of 0-way hash function.
17. Odorless, silent, invisible, tasteless, weightless, shapeless, lacking form and inert.
18. Contain non-linear random S-boxes (without a backdoor).
Due to the severity of the restrictions, you must change your password every day.
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Read all jokes from: Music (+2468)
As a birthday gift a father decided to get his son a bass guitar and some lessons. After the first lesson the boy’s father asked him how his lesson went: “It went great Dad, I learned to play on the first 5 frets on the top string!”
The father applauded his son’s efforts. The next week his father asked about the second lesson: “It was great Dad, today I learned to play the first 5 frets on the second string!”
His father once again applauded his son. The next week his father again asked about his lesson: “I blew it off . . . I had a gig!”
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462), Office (+195)
* A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.
* A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
* An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
* A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
* A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
* A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.”
* A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
* A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
* A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
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Read all jokes from: Military (+607)
Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction Center for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, “I hear that if you don’t have any teeth they won’t take you.”
They decide it’s worth a try, so they stop at a Dentist and have all their teeth pulled.
When they arrive at the Induction Center there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line. Just as he steps into line, a big ole farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the second toothless guy lines up behind him.
The first toothless guy steps up and the doctor asks, “Anything wrong with you?”
The guy says, “Well, no, except I don’t have any teeth.”
The doctor says, “Open up and let me have a look.”
The guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, “Sure enuff, you stand over there.”
The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The farm boy in front of him steps up and the doctor asks, “Anything wrong with you?”
The farm boy says, “No doc, ‘ceptin I have a little case of the piles.”
The doctor says, “Bend over, spread ‘em and let me see.”
The boy does. The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, “Sure ‘enuff. You stand over there.”
The next toothless guy steps up and when the doctor asks him, “Anything wrong with you?”
After watching what happened to the farm boy, he bellows, “Not a damn thing … just give me the gun!!”
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