Read all jokes from: Construction (+27)
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.
So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming.”
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Read all jokes from: Medical (+1842)
The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn’t want his wife to know about it. The doctor prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.
When he gets home, he doesn’t even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.
He manages to “rise to the occasion” three times. Three times! He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
“What’s wrong, dear?” he asks
“I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it’s doing you in,” she sighs.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!”
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Read all jokes from: Music (+2468)
How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.
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Read all jokes from: Religious (+827)
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”
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Read all jokes from: Financial (+1218)
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!”
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his arms around the boy, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
“Thank you! Thank you!” the father cried. “Are you a paramedic?”
“No,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”
@IRS
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Read all jokes from: Financial (+1218)
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a stockbroker – he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed.”
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Read all jokes from: Technology (+1819)
The annual internet clean up campaign will take place on the evening of March 31st beginning at 9pm EST and continue until April 1st 9am EST. This annual event occurs to remove the trash that forms on the internet throughout the year. Without this annual cleanup campaign the Internet would become so overrun with trash that its ability to pass information back and forth would become severely restricted.
All internet users are advised to take the following precautions to prevent damage or loss of information:
1. Back-up all “bookmarks” or “favorites” – these will be essential to your ability to find your favorite sites once the internet has been cleaned.
2. Clean out your history folder on your internet browser…details can be found at the following website: www.clean.your/browser/history/files.html.
3. Clean our your history cache…details can be found at the following website: www.clean.your/browser/cache/files.html.
4. AOL users should request form # 843.02.00 by using keyword “Cleanup”. Please do not try to use form # 843.01.00 as it is long out of date.
5. Prior to the shut down of the internet at 9pm EST on March 31st all internet users are advised to disconnect their computers from their internet access lines (modem or cable connection)..inexperienced users are requested to contact their ISP for information on the disconnection procedure.
6. Remain off-line and disconnected from the internet until after 9am on April 1st.
7. Upon reconnecting to the internet direct your web browser to the following website: www.first/start/up/empty.html … this should correct all your bookmarks.
This annual campaign removes all outdated links, old abandoned web pages, and extinct email addresses. This frees up millions of gigabytes of space each year. If people would learn to surf responsibly, without leaving dead and outdated links, this annual campaign would no longer be necessary. John Gutzen, President of Free Old Outdated Links (FOOL), the governing body of the cleanup campaign is quoted “I see the day when the campaign will no longer be required, when no one is a newbie, and when every one follows FOOL’s philosophy. That day is a long way off, but I hope to see it in my life time.”
Please note: If you attempt to connect to the internet during the shut-down time, serious damage to your computer and internet connection could occur.
All users are advised to contact their ISP prior to March 31st 6:00pm EST in the event that they do not understand any of the above.
This notice was prepared by Free Old Outdated Links (Fool) and space was provided free of charge in this Internet publication through a joint internet community effort.
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Read all jokes from: Medical (+1842)
INSCRIPTIONS
Janie went to the doctor complaining of a sore shoulder. The doctor examined the shoulder and couldn’t find anything apparently wrong. She insisted that it hurt.
“Well, then, let’s investigate further. What did you do last night?”
Janie tells him that her man and her went out to an old cemetery and read some of the inscriptions off of the tombstones.
“Well, it may have been chilly there and you caught a muscular cold. Let me make a more thorough examination. Please take off your clothes.”
Janie complies, and he checks her shoulder more closely. After a few minutes he said, “There doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with your shoulder, but from here it looks like your buttocks have been dead since 1922.”
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Read all jokes from: Military (+607)
An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair
of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said,
“But you just got a new pair last month!”
“Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,”
stammered the private.
“Accident, what kind of an accident?” The Captain looked in his
book of Accident definitions and glossaries, “Road-march
accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?”
“No, no nothing of those…” said the private.
“Well then, what is it?”
“I’d rather not tell you sir…”
“Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses,” said the
medical officer, ready to stand up, “I’ve to see my patients
now.”
“No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,”
blurted the private.
“Don’t be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing
a girl?”
“You see, she crossed her legs…..”
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Read all jokes from: Medical (+1842)
A man has a terrible accident and has to undergo surgery. When he awakens, the surgeon says, “I have bad news and good news for you.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“We had to amputate both of your legs.”
“And the good news?”
“The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes.”
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