Read all jokes from: Policemen (+247)
WHAT IS SAID / WHAT IS MEANT
While on routine patrol… / I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner / He had a bumper sticker that said “SLOW DOWN-DON’T FEED THE PIGS!”
The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control. / It was raining.
I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner. / The dirt-bag let go with an “oink” when I walked by.
Knowing the suspect had a criminal history… / He puked on my uniform one night.
The information is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past. / I’ve got two theft cases hanging over my head.
While being arrested, this subject resisted being injured in the act. / He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses.
The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations. / I wrote one citation for each swear word.
Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside say, “Come in.” / The rock music was so loud they wouldn’t have heard Patton’s army, so I kicked in the door.
The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies. / I sent them to a non-existent address which I called the “Command Post.”
I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding. / She was a good looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.
The Chief appeared at the scene and took command. / I sent him to the same address as the reporters.
Further interview of the witness was impossible due to conditions. / It was my bowling night.
The defendant asked the officer’s advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment. / I told him he didn’t have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.
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Read all jokes from: Music (+2468)
When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.
Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, “Well, this kid really knows his stuff!”
The other replied, “I don’t think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?”
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Read all jokes from: Music (+2468)
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
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Read all jokes from: Marriage (+787), Technology (+1819)
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May I please have those roses?”
“What happened?” I asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”
“It’s even worse than that,” he confided. “I broke my wife’s hard drive!”
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Read all jokes from: Law (+1197)
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool.
He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody at any time, any where — your place or my place, it doesn’t matter one iota.”
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No shit!?! What law firm do you work for?”
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Read all jokes from: Sales (+103)
A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area–you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”
“Yes, I was a salesman in the country,” said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close up.”
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”
“One,” said the young salesman.
“Only one?” blurted the boss. “Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”
“Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars,” said the young man.
“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.
“Well,” said the salesman, “This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV.”
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”
“No,” answered the salesman. “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, ‘Your weekend’s shot, you may as well go fishing.’”
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Read all jokes from: Religious (+827)
Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and
a banner that said ‘N I L’.
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns
to The Great Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in
the Sky.
Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,
…. …… “Is Nothing Sacred?”
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Read all jokes from: Financial (+1218)
My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it’s his!
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996), Religious (+827)
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.
The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said, “I’ve got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes.”
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Read all jokes from: Music (+2468)
Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don’t disgrace themselves in parades.
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