When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn’t increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he’d fire them.
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Read all jokes from:Office (+195)
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Read all jokes from:Office (+195)
Were you born in the Year of the Ass? Consult the Corporate Animal Calendar to find out!
Select the number of the year your birthday end in.
Cock: 0
Maggot: 1
Sheep: 2
Weasel: 3
Cockroach: 4
Hen: 5
Snake: 6
Dung Beetle: 7
Squid: 8
Ass: 9
Blenny: Leap Year
YEAR OF THE COCK: Those born in this year tend to be the most aggressively abusive denizens of he office. Their evil crowing is ubiquitous, and they tend to regard all others as born in the year of the hen, and often become partners in law offices. Watch out for the ones born on the cusp of the Year of the Ass!
YEAR OF THE MAGGOT: These specimens usually become the bitterest of bitter clerks, often degenerating into paralegals in the terminal stages. The maggot yearns to rise up and cast down his masters, yet he knows he never will.
YEAR OF THE SHEEP: Prime exponents of the herd mentality. See them demonstrate loyalty. See them worship the corporate ethic. See them get laid off!
YEAR OF THE WEASEL: These are the were-rodents. They’re stroking you with one hand and stabbing you in the back with the other. Those who lack the ethics for child molesting often go into human resources.
YEAR OF THE COCKROACH: The geek of the corporate world. His self-esteem is so nonexistent that he finds the most humiliating abuse elevating. It takes all kinds to fill out the circle of life, so go ahead and crap all over him. It’s your cosmic duty.
YEAR OF THE HEN: Another creature that finds the meaning of life in denigration, except this one is often overpaid and still enjoys stomping the few available lower forms of life, such as the cockroach. For details, see dictionary under *legal secretary.*
YEAR OF THE SNAKE: Always eager to feast on the still-twitching corpse of a co-worker, the Snake attempts to slither over the remains of other middle managers into positions of real power but is often mashed to jelly by Asses and Cocks.
YEAR OF THE DUNG BEETLE: This miserable creature actually enjoys and takes pride in meaningless, rote tasks — the only things he can do right. He often rants about powerful spreadsheet and databases programs, but carries an enormous day planner/address book with no entries in it.
YEAR OF THE SQUID: The multi-talented but oily-textured Squid is usually found in engineering programming areas. The squid’s numerous limbs allow him to accomplish many tasks while still reserving one arm to jerk off with.
YEAR OF THE ASS: True to his name, this one usually gravitates towards sales, politics, and other forms of aggressive parasitism. The braying of the ass fills the halls of power, yet many of this species never go farther than the corner liquor store. The blade of Karma is razor sharp.
YEAR OF THE SEA CUCUMBER BLENNY: In nature, this small fish establishes a symbiosis by living in the anus of the sea cucumber. In the business world, the blenny is usually an executive *assistant,* maintaining an affinity for the far reaches of the Ass.
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Read all jokes from:Office (+195)
The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call “Lunch and Learn” seminars during the employees’ lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues.
If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we’re supposed to get managerial approval to attend.
So, last week, this flier came around:
LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO’S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager’s permission before attending)
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Read all jokes from:Office (+195), Women (+407)
Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.
“But you just had two weeks off,” said the boss. “Why didn’t you get married then?”
“What and ruin my vacation?” she whined.
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Read all jokes from:Office (+195)
10. Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being considered for a big promotion. Day two: Spread a rumor that the promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.
9. Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, “No thanks, it doesn’t mix well with thorazine.”
8. Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit jacket. Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your jacket and whisper, “I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good quality stuff; who needs white-out?”
7. Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way with water and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously around your work space. Tell anyone who asks about them that you are just taking part in an efficiency study that your boss came up with to cut down on the time employees spend away from their desks.
6. Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time by taking off one minute out of every 25. Spend all your time planning your vacations.
5. Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new Folger’s Crystals.
4. Keep a tally of what your boss wears on ‘casual’ Friday. when you see a pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and start a weekly pool.
3. Dress like a pirate for the office Halloween party. Dress like a pirate every other day of the year as well.
2. Sign up your boss as a volunteer for Junior Achievement, Save The Children Foundation, Keep America Beautiful, the local branch of the Seventh Day Adventist Church, UNICEF, Hands Across America, Points of Light Foundation, and the kicker, AARP.
1. Show up hung-over, leave drunk.
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Read all jokes from:HR (+462), Office (+195), Over the Hill (+599)
TO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES
FROM GOVERNING BORED
DATE 22 APR 1986
1. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must drastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting management to focus its abuse on younger employees who represent our future.
2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system at greatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply for a new re- employment eligibility service. This service will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Current regulations state that employees may only be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as many times as management deems appropriate.
4. If an employee meets all of the above requirements, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan since the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED by management. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for Immediate Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications, one should only request this service once.
5. Employees can enhance their retention prospects by signing up for additional training. It is now and always has been the policy of management to ensure all employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have given our employees more SHIT than any other organization in the country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT you can stand.
6. To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, only upper-management and their selected brown-noses will be given raises and exempt status from the above programs.
Yu Bien Haad
MCCCD GOVERNING BORED
P.S. We in upper management would like to once again applaud the HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study; heck, we couldn’t have paid anyone to make up a better report!
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Read all jokes from:Office (+195)
1. Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in a box all day!
2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7. Women: Darned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
8. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
9. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
10. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
11. Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.
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Read all jokes from:Office (+195)
1. Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in a box all day!
2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7. Women: Darned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
8. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
9. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
10. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
11. Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.
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Read all jokes from:Office (+195)
Employee Name _______________ Date of Review __________________
KNOWLEDGE:
1.____ The son of a bitch really knows his shit
2.____ Knows only enough to be dangerous
3.____ Only half a brain and is dangerous
4.____ Brain damaged. His coffee cup has higher I.Q.
ACCURACY:
1.____ Does excellent work is not preoccupied with women
2.____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass
3.____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten
4.____ Couldn’t count his balls and get the same number twice
ATTITUDE:
1.____ Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently)
2.____ Brown noser in poor standing
3.____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it’s his job
4.____ Doesn’t give a shit, never did, never will
RELIABILITY:
1.____ Really a dependable little cocksucker
2.____ Can rely on him at evaluation time
3.____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door
4.____ Totally worthless
APPEARANCE:
1.____ Extremely neat; even combs his pubic hair
2.____ Looks great at evaluation time
3.____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch
4.____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him
PERFORMANCE:
1.____ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it for him
2.____ Does Ok around evaluation time
3.____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes
4.____ Couldn’t do less work if he were in a coma
LEADERSHIP:
1.____ Carries chain saw and gets good results
2.____ Occasionally gets told to get screwed
3.____ Mother Theresa tells him to get screwed
4.____ Couldn’t lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat
I understand I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy Act of 1969. I further acknowledge I am as screwed up as a football bat and will attempt to correct my deficiencies.
EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE ________________________
MANAGER SIGNATURE ________________________
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Read all jokes from:Office (+195)
Essentially complete: It’s half done.
We predict: We hope to God!
Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we’d employ.
Potential show stopper: The team has updated their resumes.
Serious but not insurmountable problems: It’ll take a miracle.
Basic agreement has been reached: The @##$%%’s won’t even talk to us.
Results are being quantified: We’re massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.
Task force to review: Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project
Not well defined at this time: Nobody’s even thought about it.
Still analyzing the requirements: See previous answer.
Not well understood: Now that we’ve thought about it, we don’t want to think about it anymore.
Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control!
Results are promising: Turned power on and no smoke detected — this time…
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