“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. “If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.
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Read all jokes from:Law (+1197)
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Read all jokes from:Law (+1197)
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant doesn’t answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?” The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “Well, ask him where the money is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where the @#!* money is!” The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!” The accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”
The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
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Read all jokes from:Law (+1197)
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
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Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4660), Law (+1197)
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.
The blonde says,”Thank you”, and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb!
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Read all jokes from:Law (+1197)
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
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Read all jokes from:Law (+1197)
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
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Read all jokes from:Law (+1197)
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all of the judges down here.”
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Read all jokes from:Law (+1197)
These are things people actually said in courtroom, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
* * *
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
* * *
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
* * *
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
* * *
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
* * *
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
* * *
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
* * *
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
* * *
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
* * *
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
* * *
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
* * *
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
* * *
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
* * *
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
* * *
Q: Did he kill you?
* * *
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
* * *
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
* * *
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
* * *
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
* * *
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
* * *
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
* * *
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
* * *
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
* * *
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
* * *
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
* * *
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
* * *
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
* * *
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
* * *
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
* * *
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Read all jokes from:Law (+1197)
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, “Hippocrates, come!” Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.
Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!” Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called “Bullshit, come!” Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.
Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
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Read all jokes from:Law (+1197)
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won’t do.
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