The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn’t figure outwhich side to spit on.
The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
“What for?” he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”
The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.
“I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35!”
St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.
When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, “I’m afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you’ve billed to your clients, and you’re at least 108.”
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
The lawyer continued, “To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.”
The lawyer concluded, “And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will – well you are wrong. Hi Dan!”
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all of the judges down here.”
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. “Is Mr. Spenser there?” asked the client on the phone.
“I’m very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night,” the receptionist answered. “Can anyone else help you?”
The man paused for a moment, then quietly said, “no” and hung up.
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife’s lawyer. The receptionist said, “You just called a few minutes ago, didn’t you? Mr. Spenser has died. I’m not making this up.” The man again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. “I’ve told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he’s dead? Don’t you understand what I’m saying?”
The man replied, “I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over.”
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend’s car is a total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?”
“Well,” the friend responses, “I ran into a lawyer.”
“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?”
“Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summerhouse in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that’s not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.
As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
“Whatdya do that for!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other!”
“Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”