Read all jokes from:
HR (+462)
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
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Read all jokes from:
HR (+462),
Office (+195)
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and, therefore, you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
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Read all jokes from:
HR (+462)
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how.”
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Read all jokes from:
Financial (+1218),
HR (+462)
A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.”
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Kennyson vs. IRS, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?”
The accountant got up from her chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. She leaned across the desk and said in a low voice….
“How much do you want it to be?”
She got the job.
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Read all jokes from:
HR (+462)
These are from real resumes and cover letters:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don’t miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.
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Read all jokes from:
HR (+462)
You might not be a strategic HR leader if…
… managers in your firm have been conditioned to use the phrase “that sounds like an HR issue” whenever they have a situation they don’t want to deal with.
… your only role at Corporate Leadership Team meetings is to serve donuts and write on the flipchart.
… you think all the important information you need can be found on the HRMS system.
… you believe that being “politically correct” is more important than using common sense.
… you can’t accept the fact that some things just can’t be measured.
… you describe your organization’s goal as “Uh … well … duh … to make money … right?”
… your personal battle cry each morning is “paper, paper, bring on more paper!”
… the top management committee asks to leave the room because they want to discuss “people issues”
… your only copy of the business plan is the one you found in a conference room in 1995.
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Read all jokes from:
HR (+462)
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
He who hesitates is probably right.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
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Read all jokes from:
HR (+462),
Women (+407)
This is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Mass Transportation. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II– a mere 54 years ago…
There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.
Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they are less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that “husky” girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time – the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employees a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
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Read all jokes from:
HR (+462)
No wonder you’ve never read “Temps and Asbestos Cleanup.”
Concealed Weapons, OSHA and You
Temps and Asbestos Cleanup
How to Improve Retention Through the Use of Barbed Wire
Motivational Secrets, Methamphetamine-Style
A Guide to Interoffice Dating
Punish Them with Whips and Chains
A 40-Hour Work Week and Other Fairy Tales
Martha Stewart’s Hand-Me-Down Rewards
Office Politics and the Return of the Gladiator Arena
Creatively Finance Your Company into Chapter 11
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Read all jokes from:
Blonde (+4664),
HR (+462)
A blonde goes in to apply for a job and she fills out an application. She takes it up to the man and he says you forgot three blanks. He asks how old are you, so she counts on her fingers and finally reaches 22, okay then how tall are you so she tries to measure herself she says 5’2, okay then what is your name, she nodes her head back and forth for a few seconds and says Jennifer. He says okay I get how you got your age and you height, but how did you get your name by nodding your head back and forth, she says I was singing “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Jennifer.
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