Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
“Hold it, hold it,” the fellow said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”
“Well, we work for the county government,” one of the men said.
“But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”
“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”
“Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?”
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!” There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. “Wow,” he said. “Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
What they really mean when they say…
“COMPETITIVE SALARY” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY” We have no time to train you.
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” Some time each night and some time each weekend.
“DUTIES WILL VARY” Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” We have no quality control.
“CAREER-MINDED” Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“APPLY IN PERSON” If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE” We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, “Is this what you get paid for ?” I told him, “Nope ! I do this for free.”
This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read “Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” I couldn’t resist and added a note: “And now you know why too”.
Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, “Yeah, how does this thing work ?” I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, “Any questions ?” She said, “Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?”
People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When’s the last time ya ever heard of anyone who “rested to death”.
Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.
Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.
Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don’t have enuff time to do all their work.
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462), Office (+195)
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
* SICKNESS
No excuse…We will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
* AN OPERATION
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
* DEATH
1. Other than your own, this is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
2. Your own: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
ALSO
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462), Jewish (+6996)
Bernie met his friend Alf in the street one day. As Alf was interested in how Bernie’s new job was going, especially as he was working for a Jewish firm, he asked. “How’s the new job going? Is it what you hoped it would be?”
Bernie replied, “Working for a Jewish firm is not all it’s cracked up to be. I handed in my notice yesterday.”
Alf asked, “Why?”
Bernie replied, “The firm is so keen to improve its profitability, it wants every part of me to contribute 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”
Bernie went on to show Alf a page taken from his Office Manual. Bernie said, “Read this, this is why I resigned.”
HOLIDAYS. Employee’s holidays are considered by the directors to be completely unnecessary. All employees should realise that they are lucky to be employed. Should anyone demand a holiday entitlement, this will be considered by the directors as being disloyal, the firm will assume that the employee must be unhappy in his/her work and will cease to be considered an asset to the firm. Dismissal will therefore have to be seriously considered by the directors.
SICKNESS. The directors will consider it a sign of weakness should an employee fall ill. It is the duty of every employee to look after his/her health and therefore be available for duty on every working day. A visit to the doctor by an employee is considered totally unnecessary. If they are well enough to visit the doctor, they are well enough to come to work.
DEATH – OTHER THAN OF THE EMPLOYEE. If a relative or friend has died, unfortunate as this may be, there is obviously nothing more that can be done for them. Therefore, the directors will not accept such a death as a legitimate excuse for not coming into work. Funerals, if employees must attend them, will have to be arranged outside of working hours.
DEATH – OF THE EMPLOYEE. If an employee’s death should occur prior to the mandatory retirement age, the employee should have arranged a replacement for himself or herself before inflicting this inconvenience on the firm.
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment … and they hired him! As what?
1. NAME: Greg Bulmash
2. DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
3. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
4. EDUCATION: Yes.
5. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
6. SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
7. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it Notes.
8. REASON FOR LEAVING: It stank.
9. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
10. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
11. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
12. DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING (UP TO 50 LBS)?: Of what?
13. DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, “Do you have a car that runs?”
14. HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
15. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
16. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
17. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss –and you will get caught–your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You’re not a loafer, you’re a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the casual observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want you to DO work for THEM.
That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during the lunch hour. That way, you’re regarded as hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message. I took care of it.” If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment … and they hired him! As what?
1. NAME: Greg Bulmash
2. DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
3. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
4. EDUCATION: Yes.
5. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
6. SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
7. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it Notes.
8. REASON FOR LEAVING: It stank.
9. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
10. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
11. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
12. DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING (UP TO 50 LBS)?: Of what?
13. DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, “Do you have a car that runs?”
14. HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
15. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
16. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
17. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
Chapter 1 – The Resume
Your resume is a crucial document that summarises the essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director’s attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet’s cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to live in.
To grab an employer’s jaded eye you must create the written equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter’s orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says “Check ME out! I’m no shrinking violet!” Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don’t forget your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8×10 glossies from Glamour Shots on top.
Now that you’ve achieved that visceral “oomph”, it’s time to polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a saleable skill. Let’s look at some examples of putting the best “spin” on a job seeker’s skills:
“I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee’s.”
A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe yourself as a “Grill Co-ordinator”, or perhaps a “Culinary Technician”.
“I subbed in for my nephew’s paper route one weekend.”
Ah! So you were previously employed in “Communication Services!” Describe yourself as a “Journalism Representative.”
“I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and watching Charlie’s Angels reruns.”
You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as a “Consumer Broadcasting Specialist.” Let them know how much time you’ve wisely invested in “Popular Drama Studies.”
“I worked in telemarketing.”
Die you scumbag.
“I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a puddle of my own urine.”
I see! An “Alternative Hygiene Researcher” who throws himself into his work!
Always remember to use active, “can-do” language in your resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as possible:
1) Excellence (can’t get enough of this one!)
2) Goal-oriented
3) Forward-thinking
4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)
It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.
Chapter 2 – The Interview
So now you’ve got that big chance to shine in person. Once again, you’ve got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and consider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high-five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words.
Here’s some suggestions for opening lines:
“The voices told me I’m perfect for this job.”
“I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze.”
“Maybe you can’t tell, but I’m not wearing any underwear.”
“Let’s make this fast, I’m late for my medication.”
“The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays.”
“I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their Starship.”
“I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?”
“I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, it will be your last!”
Now that you’ve made a big impression, make sure you’ll have plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing yourself to the interviewer’s desk, or perhaps smear super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting “Wonder twin powers, activate!”
Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the closing handshake while saying “Guess Mr. Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)” And certainly don’t forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.
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