Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
These days, prospective employees can read between the lines of your industrial-aged classified advertising copy. Maybe it’s time you changed your ads.
“Just have an eye for detail.”
We have no quality control.
“Competitive salary.”
We stay competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“Must be deadline oriented.”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“Join our fast-paced company.”
We have no time to train you and you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
“Seeking enthusiastic, fun, hard-working people …”
… who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.
“No phone calls please.”
We’ve already filled the job; our call for r
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: PERSONNEL DEPT.
SUBJECT: REST ROOM PRIVILEGES
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the rest room under informal guidelines. Effective this date, a “Rest room Trip Policy” (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee’s rest room time.
Under this policy, a “Rest room Trip Bank” (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a “Rest room Trip Credit” (RTC) of 20. RTCs can be accumulated from month to month.
Within two weeks, the entrance to all rest rooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer linked voice recognition devices. Before the end of March, each employee must provide the Personnel Dept. with two copies of voice prints, one normal and one under stress. The voice print recognition will be in operation, but not restrictive, for the rest of the month. Employees should acquaint themselves with these stations during this period.
If an employee’s RTB balance reaches zero, the doors to the rest rooms will not unlock for that employee’s voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all all rest room stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall seat remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted in the hallways. This is being done to eliminate dilly-dalling in the rest rooms. Anyone’s picture showing up three times will be immediately terminated.
If there are any questions regarding the above policy, don’t hesitate to speak with your supervisor or the Personnel Dept.
Thank You,
Management
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
These days, prospective employees can read between the lines of your industrial-aged classified advertising copy. Maybe it’s time you changed your ads.
“Just have an eye for detail.”
We have no quality control.
“Competitive salary.”
We stay competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“Must be deadline oriented.”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“Join our fast-paced company.”
We have no time to train you and you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
“Seeking enthusiastic, fun, hard-working people …”
… who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.
“No phone calls please.”
We’ve already filled the job; our call for r
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
The job security quiz will help judge how long you’ll end up at your current job and what will become of you.
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you…
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you’re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you’ve finished the level.
There’s a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who’s been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, “Won’t have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock.”
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch ‘I Love Lucy’ reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you’ve written the word “union.”
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you…
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it … then tell the CEO’s secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it … then proudly tell the CEO’s secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid’s fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you…
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss’ face.
Scoring this test
Mostly A’s: You have nothing to worry about. They’ll never fire you because you’re a doormat.
Mostly B’s: You’re not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You’re a real jerk.
Mostly C’s: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he’s terrified of what you might do.
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned… couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn’t hack it… so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn’t suited for it… mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn’t cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn’t have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn’t fit in.
I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an historian,
until I realised there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462), Jewish (+6996)
Harry went for a job interview. It seemed to go well because before he left, he was told, “We would like you to work for us. We’ll give you $10 an hour starting today and in three months time we’ll increase it to $15 an hour. So when would you like to start?”
Harry replies, “In about 3 months from now.”
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back. This is what I’m doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
What happens if you rearrange the letters in the words “Human Resources”?
CEO Salary (A Real Cosy)
Generation X (R a Toxin Gene)
HR Software (Fat Err Show)
The Manager (Me Nag at Her)
Recruitment (Rent Rut Mice)
A Review Time (I Weave Merit)
Managed Care (Menace. A Drag.)
Company Retreat (Once-a-Term Party)…(Yet, Part Romance)
Workforce Online (We’re For Ink. N’ Cool!)
A Merger (Err Game)
Family Leave Act (A Fallacy I’ve Met)
Casual Wear (Raw USA Lace)
Employee is Sick (Ye Pick Some Lies)
Termination (Not in a Merit)
Human Resources (A Scheme Run Sour)
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK? Let’s find out just how clever you really are….
First Question:You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are…?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You’re not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1,000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1,000. Now add 30. Add another 1,000. Now add 20. Now add another 1,000. Now add 10. What is the total?
Did you get 5,000?
The correct answer is actually 4,100. If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you’ll get the last question right…. ….Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn’t. Her name is Mary.
Read the question again!
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462)
* If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
* When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.
* I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e * log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
* I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
* I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…
* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
* Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
* The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
* The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
* I prefer to remain an enigma.
* My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
* I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
* I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
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