Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
I Cayman went.
My other wife is beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Don’t laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
Friends don’t let friends drive naked.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There’s one in every crowd and they always find me.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
When you’re in love, you’re at the mercy of a stranger.
Just when you think you’ve won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it’s too loud, you’re too old.
Wink. I’ll do the rest.
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
One hand on wheel, one fist out window: NEW YORK
One hand on wheel, one fist out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: TEXAS
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102), Policemen (+247)
In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red bastard of the asphalt. You got something to eat?”
With a smile in his face, he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away.
Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. “What can I do for you?”
“I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt. You got something to drink?”
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing, our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “So, let me guess, you’re the blue bastard of the asphalt, and just what the hell do you want?”
“Driver’s license and registration, please.”
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, “What will you take….30 days or $30.”
The man replied, “I think I’ll take the money.”
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.
Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.
Somehow he gets his old job back and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender’s neck and killing her. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything – but the conductor won’t die. So again, he is set free.
Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.
At this point, the executioner can take no more- his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting the conductor free again, he asks him his secret. “What is it with the bananas?” he asks.
“Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it,” replies our friend. “I’m just a bad conductor.”
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102), Over the Hill (+599), Policemen (+247)
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly …twenty- two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142.”
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, “What will you take….30 days or $30.”
The man replied, “I think I’ll take the money.”
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, “Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?”
The cowboy replied, “Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too.”
“Why do you wear that leather vest?”
“It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables.”
“Well, why do you wear leather chaps?”
“They protect my legs when I’m driving my horse through mesquite and cactus.”
“Well, Mr. Cowboy,” the kid finally asked, “Why do you wear sneakers?”
“That’s so nobody will think I’m a damn truck driver.”
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102), Policemen (+247)
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo — of handcuffs.
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Who cares who’s on board?
Die Yuppie Scum.
No radio. Already stolen.
Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Honk if you love cheeses.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn’t exist.
I don’t care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
My girlfriend can’t wrestle, but you oughta see her box!
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.
Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks you’re a jerk.
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