Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for fist.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks?!
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
All generalizations are false.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else!
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes!!”
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
Save the Whales, Shoot the Seals.
I want to be like Barbie, that witch gets everything she wants.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats…they taste just like chicken.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
REHAB is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
All men are Idiots, and I married their King!
I want to die in my sleep, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102), Policemen (+247)
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
Jill’s car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down.
One day John got yet another one of those calls. “What happened this time?” he asked.
“My brakes went out,” Jill said. “Can you come to get me?”
“Where are you?” John asked.
“I’m in the drugstore,” Jill responded.
“And where’s the car?” John asked.
Jill replied, “It’s in here with me.”
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister?” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow … Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours?”
“Me, I’m June … June Hansen,” she said.
After a short while she asked, “Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered, …. having eight inches of Snow in June?”
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102), Policemen (+247)
In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red bastard of the asphalt. You got something to eat?”
With a smile in his face, he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away.
Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. “What can I do for you?”
“I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt. You got something to drink?”
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing, our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “So, let me guess, you’re the blue bastard of the asphalt, and just what the hell do you want?”
“Driver’s license and registration, please.”
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
One hand on wheel, one fist out window: NEW YORK
One hand on wheel, one fist out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: TEXAS
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
* To balance the yin of Good Humor, offers the yang from frozen Bile on a Stick.
* Number of kills clearly marked on the side of his truck.
* He’s paranoid because he’s “always being followed by someone disguised as little children.”
* His route takes him down your street at precisely 3:30 am every morning.
* Comes to work wearing only a strategically placed waffle cone.
* All the flavors have the word “Opossum” somewhere in their titles.
* Happy calliope music replaced with Mozart’s “Requiem.”
* Offers three flavors: Chocolate, Vanilla, and Sacred Blood of the Martyrs.
* Popsicles, Creamsicles, Fudgesicles — sure. Spleensicles? Never heard of ‘em!
* “Little Mr. Softee” always making surprise appearances.
* Every time you get close to his truck he guns it and laughs while yelling, “Maybe next time, Lardass!”
* On Tuesdays, drives backwards and demands ice cream from little kids.
* Ice cream sandwiches come with alfalfa sprouts, dijon mustard and a pickle.
* “Ice cream! Get your… HEY, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY TRUCK! …Ice cream, get your ice cream!…”
* Likes Jerry, but says Ben is “a real turd.”
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Read all jokes from: Driving (+102)
So, you think a gallon of gasoline is expensive…??
* Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
* Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
* Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
* Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
* Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 = $12.72 per gallon
* STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
* Vick’s Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
* Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
* Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 = $25.42 per gallon
* Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 = $84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER…
* Evian water 9oz for $1.49 = $ 21.19 per gallon
$21.19 FOR WATER!!
So next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on Nyquil or Scope, Whiteout or water!!!
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