Read all jokes from: Criminal (+41)
Sadie is arrested for shop lifting. During her trial, which her husband Sidney attends, the judge asks her, “How old are you?”
“I’m 60, your Honor,” replies Sadie.
“And what did you steal?” he asks.
Sadie replies, “A tin of peaches, your Honor.”
“Why did you steal this tin?” asks the judge.
“Because I was hungry,” replies Sadie.
The judge then asks, “And how many peaches were in the tin?”
“Five,” replies Sadie.
The judge then says, “OK, I think five days in jail would be appropriate.”
But before the judge can pronounce sentence, Sidney suddenly stands up and asks him, “Is it OK to give the court some more information?”
The judge replies, “Yes, I suppose so, if you’re brief. What is it?”
Sidney replies, “She also stole a can of peas.”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201), Criminal (+41)
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that Moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.
At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judges closing statement he asked the man, “I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?”
The man answered, “Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”
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Read all jokes from: Criminal (+41)
It was midnight and it was a cold night in Golders Green when all of a sudden a burglar alarm goes off. The police are immediately called and surprisingly arrive just in time to catch the thief as he is leaving the jewellers with a bag full of Rolex watches and other valuable items. When he is brought to the police station, the officer on duty immediately recognises him. He is known as Morris the Catman. One week later, Morris appears in Court.
“Did you have an accomplice?” the judge asks him.
“What’s an accomplice?” asks Morris.
“A partner,” replies the judge. “In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?”
“Of course, what else?” says Morris, “Who can get reliable help these days?”
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Read all jokes from: Criminal (+41)
The Judge said to the defendant. “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.”
“Your Honor,” the criminal said, “that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen.”
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Read all jokes from: Criminal (+41)
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. “Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
“Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”
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Read all jokes from: Criminal (+41)
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, “I hear sirens. Jump!”
The second one said, “But we’re on the 13th floor!”
The first one screamed back, “This is no time to be superstitious.”
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Read all jokes from: Criminal (+41)
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, “I hear sirens. Jump!”
The second one said, “But we’re on the 13th floor!”
The first one screamed back, “This is no time to be superstitious.”
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Read all jokes from: Criminal (+41)
* Inmates who don’t flush after eating chili for lunch.
* Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.
* Coming up with one too many during a head count.
* Having to break up a fight in the shower.
* Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.
* Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.
* The fact that inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.
* Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks wa-a-a-y to familiar.
* Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex killer.
* Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.
* Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to # 93A44274.
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Read all jokes from: Blonde (+4660), Criminal (+41)
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”
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Read all jokes from: Criminal (+41), Men (+300), Sex (+4816)
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years.
One day Larry said to Joe, “You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you.”
Joe replied. “Are you crazy?!”
Larry went on to say, “I promise you that it won’t hurt and we’ll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first.”
So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, “How will you tell if it hurts or not?”
Larry told Joe, “If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I’ll stop. But if it
feels good start singing.”
Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River…
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