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Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58 – digit product identification number on to your telephone, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen.
Please note that you made need a size 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your original equipment manufaturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD – ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk – - we mean forgetful customer – - and threw away your original packing materials, please call the company that sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !)
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics – related firm in the industrialized world. (we all talk you know)
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral “one” on your telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral “two.” If you are not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: “I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live.”
Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:

1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last – resort – only telephone option?
3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
4. Have I consulted my manual?
5. Have I read the Read – Me notice on the floppy disk?
6. Have I called up my know – it – all geek cousin who I can’t stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
7. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer “yes” to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to call Technical Support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD – ROM titles you may wish to purchase, If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout “Yes! Yes! Yes!” into the telephone now.
This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in line. Please push “one” if you would like to be connected again to Technical Support.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.
As a non – living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.

President Clinton went back to Arkansas for his high school reunion, and just like on the old football team, he got into position to take a few snaps… At least that’s what he told Hillary… when she caught him hunched over a cheerleader.

If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor’s goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)

1.Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.

2.When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.

3.Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It’s best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.

4.Look the other way just before cues.

5.Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.

6.Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you’re about to quit. Let the conductor know you’re there as a personal favor.

7.Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.

8.Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).

9.Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)

10.At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.

11.Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don’t have the music.

12.Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.

13.Tell the conductor, “I can’t find the beat.” Conductors are always sensitive about their “stick technique”, so challenge it frequently.

14.As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask “Is this the first time you’ve conducted this piece?”

15.When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you’ll never be able to play it. Don’t say anything: make him wonder.

16.If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.

17.Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.

18.During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.

It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?

How do you put down a tenor saxophone?

Confuse it with a bass clarinet.

Did you hear the latest gossip on Monica Lewinsky?
She came out with a new brand of condoms: President’s choice!



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