Read all jokes from: Music (+2467)
10. It’s better than playing bagpipes.
9. When you play, people listen.
8. During rehearsal you get to sit in the back of the room.
7. During marching practice you can use the bell to block out the sun.
6. People hold doors open for you.
5. You don’t have to wear those silly hats.
4. Many girls do prefer guys with large instruments.
3. You can say “Here comes Niagra…” right before emptying your
tuning slide.
2. You’ll never be blamed for being the one with the squeaky reed.
1. BECAUSE I PLAY TUBA!
17 views |
|
|
 Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
* A visitor to Texas once asked, “Does it ever rain out here?”
A rancher quickly answered “Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?”
The visitor replied, “Yes, I’m familiar with Noah’s flood.”
“Well,” the rancher puffed up, we got ’bout two and a half inches of that.”
12 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Travel (+295)
May 30th – Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home I love it here.
June 14th – Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th – Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th – The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th – Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
July 20th – I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th – Dry f***ing heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th – Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,100 in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th – 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this f***ing state.
Aug 8th – If another wise ass cracks,”Hot enough for you today?”, I’m going to tear his f***ing throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted f***ing Garfield!!
Aug 10th – The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny. It’s been too hot to f*** for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the f***ing pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat.
Aug 14th – Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the f***ing windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th – Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The f***ing monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with it’s new $500 windshield. That does it, we’re moving to New York for some peace and quiet.
12 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Technology (+1819)
Definition of an upgrade = Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
16 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Law (+1200)
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”
13 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Medical (+1841)
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast; bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to follow?
He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?
He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She’ll go to the cafe and buy him a burger. Maybe a steak and cheese pie? Pizza? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well,” she says, “would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking starving!”
4 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Business (+59)
I once knew a couple who were in the iron adn steel business – she did the ironing, while he went out stealing.
17 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Law (+1200)
Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him!
8 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Law (+1200)
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .
10 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Medical (+1841)
Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, “Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute.”
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, “So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind ‘em, put in new parts, and when I’m finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?”
8 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
|
