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Technology (+1819)
These are geek wannabees. Now that geeks are in, everybody wants to be a geek. To tell the geeks from the pseudo-geeks, I’ve developed this test:
1. When you open your phone bill, what do you do with it?
1. pay the bill
2. stick the bill in the mess on your desk
3. sit down and read the insert
2. You have three choices of reading material. Which do you read?
1. the sports section of the paper
2. Wired Magzine
3. the dictionary
3. Your prized possession would be…
1. one of Babe Ruth’s baseballs,
2. an autographed picture of Bill Gates
3. a map of the telephone company service areas for your state
4. A major goal in your life is to…
1. get as rich as Bill Gates
2. develop a new game that will become wildly popular
3. track the response times of TIA versus PPP and SLIP
Answers: If you answered A to each question, you’re definitely not a geek. If you answered B to each question, you’re a wanna-be. If you answered C to each question, you’re pure Geek and I’d like to meet you.
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Music (+2468)
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1.None. They can’t get that high.
2.Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, “Isn’t that a little high for you?”
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Military (+606)
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: “What’s that stuff on those hills?”
“Just snow,” replied the stewardess.
“That’s what I thought,” said the lady, “but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece.”
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HR (+462)
Subject: Human Resources
Dear Hiring Manager,
Thank you for your letter of March 16.
After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your companies’ outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Interviewee
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Blonde (+4664),
Policemen (+247)
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building… he suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks: “Why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?”
The blond answers in a very weak voice, “We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings”…
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Science (+105)
Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a
strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people
who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 103%? Here
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Military (+606)
The company sergent is briefing the recruits:
“For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father,
and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you
know what that makes you…”
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Religious (+827)
Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence had been noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door, and being that she’s nearly 85, it took her a bit to get to the door.
“Hello, who is it?” she asked.
“It’s Pastor Smith,” he answered.
“OH Hi — Come in, Come in, how’s the ministry doing?” she said.
“Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met.”
“Oh honey, I haven’t felt well lately but I’m getting better.”
Just then, the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old Reader’s Digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.
Right then, Mrs. Jones returned and said, “Oh, I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything.”
The pastor, feeling a little embarrassed, said, “I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me,” he said.
Mrs. Jones replied, “Oh that’s OK, anymore all I can do is just suck the chocolate off of them!”
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Airline (+39)
“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.”
“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.”
“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.”
“If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.”
“That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.”
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Music (+2468)
1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.
2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.)
3. If you don’t know it, play harmony.
4. Double book, then choose.
5. Always assume the leader knows nothing.
6. Always degrade types of music you can’t play or know nothing about.
7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks.
8. Never play requests (especially if you know it).
9. Never smile.
10. Always complain.
11. Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement.
12. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement. (One minute if you have equipment to set up.)
13. Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink.
14. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor.
15. Always open spit valves over music.
16. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes over his vocals or solos.
17. Always worship dead jazz greats.
18. Be negative about anything connected with the job.
19. Always bring drinks back to the band stand.
20. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call.
21. If you’re backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it’s a comic, don’t laugh.
22. Always bum a ride.
23. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty.
24. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement.
25. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.).
26. Always ask, “When does the band eat”, or “Where’s our table”?
27. Remember, it’s not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself.
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