When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
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Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb? How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? How many altos does it take to change a light bulb? How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? How many blue grass musicians does it take to change a light bulb? How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? How many country bass players does it take to change a light bulb? How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? How many sound techs does it take to change a light bulb? How many union stagehands does it take to change a light bulb?
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)
1. Download a piece of Web authoring software – 20 minutes. 2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page – 6 weeks. 3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it – 20 minutes. 4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site – 1 minute. 5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like – 4 days. 6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again – 25 minutes. 7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do – 15 minutes. 8. View the source of others’ pages, steal some, change a few words here and there – 4 hours. 9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software – 1 minute. 10. Try to horizontally line up two related images – 6 hours. 11. Remove one of the images – 10 seconds. 12. Set the text’s font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone – 4 hours. 13. Download a counter from your ISP – 4 minutes. 14. Try to figure out why your counter reads “You are visitor number -16.3 E10″ – 3 hours. 15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text – 8 hours. 16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP – 40 minutes. 17. Accidentally delete your complete web page – 1 second. 18. Recreate your web page – 2 days. 19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP’s server – 3 weeks. 20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP – 30 minutes. 21. Download FTP software – 10 minutes. 22. Call your friend again – 15 minutes. 23. Upload your web page to your ISP’s server – 10 minutes. 24. Connect to your site on the web – 1 minute. 25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps – eternity.
Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. “I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35!” St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, “I’m afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you’ve billed to your clients, and you’re at least 108.”
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688), Technology (+1818)
* If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name. * Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional. * If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard. * You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself. * Viagra! Who needs Viagra? * Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends. * Three words: No shotgun weddings. * All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson. * They never have to know you live in your parents basement. * If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.
Read all jokes from:Military (+607)
A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port: “I have missed you so much and I can’t wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do “it” as soon as I step ashore.” The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply: “I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D. cards.”
Read all jokes from:Professional (+1060)
The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large Yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?” The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, se
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
How do you tell if a bass is actually dead? Hold out a check (but don’t be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664), Medical (+1844)
A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.
Read all jokes from:Office (+195)
Essentially complete: It’s half done. We predict: We hope to God! Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we’d employ. Potential show stopper: The team has updated their resumes. Serious but not insurmountable problems: It’ll take a miracle. Basic agreement has been reached: The @##$%%’s won’t even talk to us. Results are being quantified: We’re massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions. Task force to review: Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project Not well defined at this time: Nobody’s even thought about it. Still analyzing the requirements: See previous answer. Not well understood: Now that we’ve thought about it, we don’t want to think about it anymore. Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control! Results are promising: Turned power on and no smoke detected — this time…
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