Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we?”
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps, “One’s in your coffee and the other one’s in your oatmeal.”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn’t find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: Ma’am, sorry to inform you that we found your husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster, and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.
The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.
Elmer says, “Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!”
Leon replies, “You’re kidding! I can’t even manage to do it once! What’s your secret?”
To which Elmer said, “Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I’m not kidding!”
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, “May I help you?’
“Yes, I’d like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please,” said Leon.
“That’s a lot of bread! It’s sure to get hard before you’re done!” the clerk remarked.
Leon replies, “Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house.
When they arrived at the whorehouse, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned…how was it for you?”
The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”
The first man asked, “How’s that?”
“Well,” said the second man, “When I nibbled on her breast… she passed gas and flew out the window!”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
At the Senior Citizens’ luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?”
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right in the boat. When finished the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.
They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?” There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the gentleman asks, “Well, do you want to go up or down?”
The woman replied, “Down.”
A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?”
She replied, “Up.”
This really confused the gentleman so he asks, “What’s the deal? Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing.”
She replied, “Well, yesterday I didn’t have my hearing aid in and I thought you said ‘fuck or drown’!”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, “For God’s sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you’re starting to look like an asshole!”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence had been noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door, and being that she’s nearly 85, it took her a bit to get to the door.
“Hello, who is it?” she asked.
“It’s Pastor Smith,” he answered.
“OH Hi — Come in, Come in, how’s the ministry doing?” she said.
“Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met.”
“Oh honey, I haven’t felt well lately but I’m getting better.”
Just then, the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old Reader’s Digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.
Right then, Mrs. Jones returned and said, “Oh, I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything.”
The pastor, feeling a little embarrassed, said, “I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me,” he said.
Mrs. Jones replied, “Oh that’s OK, anymore all I can do is just suck the chocolate off of them!”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”
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Read all jokes from: Italian (+655), Over the Hill (+599)
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic by giving me a little lovin’ now and then,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk – you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I have to tell her that the war is over?”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office.
“Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”
“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think you’re ‘sex drive’ is all in your head?”
“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”
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