Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
A blast from the past. Remember this one from your childhood? I do!!
As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
The sign was torn and tattered from the storm the night before.
The wind and rain had done its work and this is what I saw:
Smoke Coca-cola cigarettes, chew Wrigley’s Spearmint Beer,
Kennel Ration dog food makes your complexion clear.
Simonize your baby with a Hershey’s candy bar,
And Texaco’s the beauty cream that’s used by all the stars.
So, take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
Play a Hammond organ in your Damart underwear.
Doctors say that babies should smoke until they’re three,
And people over 65 should bathe in Lipton Tea!
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Three older ladies were discussing the problems of getting older.
One declares, “Sometimes I catch myself in front of the refrigerator with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand and can’t remember whether I’m putting it away or taking it out.”
The second lady chimes in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember if I’m on my way up or down.”
The third one responds, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood,” and she raps her knuckles on the table. “That must be someone at the door, I’ll get it!”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Your eyes won’t get much worse.
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
10. It’s not hard to meet expenses …they’re everywhere.
11. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter …I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m hereafter.
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?” After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. “Yes, Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dfispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” he says. “She got in the back seat by mistake.”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
The doctor asked, “Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no,” Edgar replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then the doctor asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?”
Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” the doctor asked.
“No, I don’t,” Edgar replied.
Then the doctor asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with sexy women?”
“No,” Edgar said, “I don’t do any of those things.”
The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, “Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?”
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Over the Hill (+599)
You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did i wake you?”
The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You wear black socks with sandals.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
You feel like the night before and didn’t even go out.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge
Dialing long distance tires you out.
You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
Everything hurts, and when it doesn’t, it doesn’t work.
Your little black book only contains names ending in MD.
You get winded playing chess.
You join a health club and don’t go.
You’re still chasing women, but can’t remember why.
Your mind makes contracts your body can’t fulfill.
You know all the answers but no one asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You turn out the light for economic, not romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t make it go.
Your knees buckle but your belt doesn’t.
You’re 17 around the neck, 43 around the waist and 100 around the golf course.
After painting the town red you have to take a nap before a 2nd coat.
A lot of room in the house, but none in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You finally know your way around and don’t feel like going.
Everything is farther away than it used to be and it’s twice as far to the corner than it used to be and they’ve added a hill.
You give up running for the bus because it leaves much faster than it used to.
Stairs are much steeper than they used to be and they’re using smaller print in the papers.
New clothes are getting smaller in the hips and waist.
Everyone speaks so low you can’t hear them.
People are much younger than they were when you were their age, but people your age are older than your are.
You meet an old friend who has aged so much she doesn’t recognize you.
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