Read all jokes from:
Over the Hill (+599)
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?”
He replied, “To the kitchen.”
She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
He replied, “Sure.”
She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
He said, “No, I can remember that.”
She then said, “Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”
He said, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
She replied, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”
With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
“I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”
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Read all jokes from:
Over the Hill (+599)
Answers Below – No Cheating
1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor, left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle has holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn’t produce
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps
5. What method did women adapt to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn’t tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate-licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of string or twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex?
a. A cold
b. VD
c. Cooties
12. “I’ll be down to get you in a ________, Honey?”
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy’s pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you “high”
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupils name on the top, to avoid failure
17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick on tattoos
18. “Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?”
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the group who made the song “Cabdriver” a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavior Cugat
c. George Gershwin
Did you answer all of them yet? Don’t look until you do.
ANSWERS
1. b) On the floor, left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took until the ’60s to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum. (Who would chew gum called Craps?!)
5. b) Special makeup was applied followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Cooties.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get “high.”
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we’ll all be free.
19. a) The all male, all black group, The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett… and he sounds just as good today!
SCORING
17 – 20 correct: You are probably over 60 and maybe older, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.
12 – 16 correct: Not quite 60 yet, probably over 50, you remember a lot from your older brothers and sisters, but your mind is definitely muddy.
0 – 11 correct: You are a baby boomer and have no business taking this test!
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Read all jokes from:
Over the Hill (+599)
A old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her a drink she says, “It’s my birthday today and I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday.”
The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday I’ll buy you a drink. In fact I’ll take care of this one for you.”
As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, “I guess I should buy you a drink too.”
The 80 year-old woman says, “Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.”
“Alright” says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, “Since I’m the only one around you that hasn’t bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too.”
The old woman says, “Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.”
“Comin’ right up” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma’am I’m dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?”
The woman replies, “Sonny, you learn that when you’re my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can’t hold your water!”
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Read all jokes from:
Over the Hill (+599)
How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
when I recall where my get up has been.
Old age is golden-so I’ve heard it said-
but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
my eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
“Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?”
And I’m happy to say as I close my door,
my friends are the same, perhaps even more.
When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
but still I could dance the whole night through.
But now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
my get up and go has got up and went.
But I really don’t mind when I think, with a grin,
of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life’s competition,
I accommodate myself with complete repetition.
I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,
pick up my paper and read the “obits”.
If my name is missing, I know I’m not dead,
so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
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Read all jokes from:
Over the Hill (+599)
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”
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Read all jokes from:
Over the Hill (+599)
There’s quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn’t begin at 40. That’s a big fat lie.
My hair’s getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick’s-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker’s all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I’ll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I’m off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I’ll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.
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