Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened!
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, “For God’s sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you’re starting to look like an asshole!”
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?”
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma’s idea!”
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Read all jokes from:HR (+462), Office (+195), Over the Hill (+599)
TO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES
FROM GOVERNING BORED
DATE 22 APR 1986
1. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must drastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting management to focus its abuse on younger employees who represent our future.
2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system at greatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply for a new re- employment eligibility service. This service will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Current regulations state that employees may only be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as many times as management deems appropriate.
4. If an employee meets all of the above requirements, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan since the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED by management. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for Immediate Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications, one should only request this service once.
5. Employees can enhance their retention prospects by signing up for additional training. It is now and always has been the policy of management to ensure all employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have given our employees more SHIT than any other organization in the country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT you can stand.
6. To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, only upper-management and their selected brown-noses will be given raises and exempt status from the above programs.
Yu Bien Haad
MCCCD GOVERNING BORED
P.S. We in upper management would like to once again applaud the HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study; heck, we couldn’t have paid anyone to make up a better report!
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
When I’m an old lady,
I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness…
just as they did.
I want to pay back
all the joy they’ve provided,
Returning each deed.
Oh, they’ll be so excited!
I’ll write on the wall
with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture
wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton
and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets
and oh, how they’ll shout!
When they’re on the phone
and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things
like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they’ll snap their fingers
and then shake their head,
And when that is done
I’ll hide under the bed!
When they cook dinner
and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans
or salad or meat.
I’ll gag on my okra,
spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry
I’ll run… if I’m able!
I’ll sit close to the TV,
through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both my eyes
just to see if they stick.
I’ll take off my socks
and throw one away,
And play in the mud
’til the end of the day!
And later in bed,
I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank God in prayer
and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down
with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan,
“She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t remember your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t recall it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
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