Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: “It makes you feel young again.”
John looks at Sylvester and says, “We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!”
Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.
About one mile later Sylvester asks, “Well John, do you feel young yet?”
“No,” replies John.
So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.
A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, “John, do you feel younger?”
“No,” replies John, “but I sure did a childish thing!”
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Read all jokes from: Italian (+654), Over the Hill (+599)
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic by giving me a little lovin’ now and then,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk – you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I have to tell her that the war is over?”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5689), Over the Hill (+599)
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about “the good old days,” when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?”
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, “Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?”
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?”
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, “Honey, where are you going?”
Grandpa replied, “To get my teeth!”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5689), Over the Hill (+599)
A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting.
Bernie turns to Marv and says, “Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too.”
Marv smiles and says, “Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?”
Bernie says, “You’ll going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?”
Marv grins again, “Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…”
“Yes, yes, that’s it!” cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife…
“Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”
The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
A woman out for a walk, noticed this little old man rocking in a chair on his porch and approached him.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing!” the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Twenty-six,” he replied.
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Baby boom anthems re-released with new lyrics suitable for an aging audience.
The Beatles – “I Get By with a Little Help From Depends”
Carly Simon – “You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees – “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Roberta Flack – “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash – “I Can’t See Clearly Now”
Procol Harem – “A Whiter Shade of Hair”
Herman’s Hermits – “Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
The Rolling Stones – “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”
The Who – “Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication”
The Troggs – “Bald Thing”
The Doors – “Hello, I love you. Won’t you tell me my name.”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
A blast from the past. Remember this one from your childhood? I do!!
As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
The sign was torn and tattered from the storm the night before.
The wind and rain had done its work and this is what I saw:
Smoke Coca-cola cigarettes, chew Wrigley’s Spearmint Beer,
Kennel Ration dog food makes your complexion clear.
Simonize your baby with a Hershey’s candy bar,
And Texaco’s the beauty cream that’s used by all the stars.
So, take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
Play a Hammond organ in your Damart underwear.
Doctors say that babies should smoke until they’re three,
And people over 65 should bathe in Lipton Tea!
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Three older ladies were discussing the problems of getting older.
One declares, “Sometimes I catch myself in front of the refrigerator with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand and can’t remember whether I’m putting it away or taking it out.”
The second lady chimes in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember if I’m on my way up or down.”
The third one responds, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood,” and she raps her knuckles on the table. “That must be someone at the door, I’ll get it!”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Your eyes won’t get much worse.
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
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