Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
* Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
* Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
* Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”
* Granny found handcuffed to her walker.
* Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
* Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.
* Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.
* You’ve just seen their photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of the May issue of Hustler.
* Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
* Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for “doggy style.”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
A nice young Post Office worker was sorting through her regular mail when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
GOD, c/o Heaven.
Upon opening the envelope, the enclosed letter told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
The young lady was deeply touched, and passed the hat among her work mates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read,
“Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those jerks at the post office!”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
3. You sing along with elevator music.
4. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
5. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
6. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
7. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
8. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
13. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
14. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
15. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there’s a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
“Here’s what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
So that evening she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room, and he says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for supper?”.
No response.
So he walks right up behind her.
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
“For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
The 50-ish wife comes up to her husband and says, ‘So, Harvey. What do you think of my new bra-less look? Does it make me look younger?’
‘It does!’ Harvey says. ‘It pulls all the wrinkles out of your face!’
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
you’re not a kid anymore when…
You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
You enjoy watching the news.
The phone rings and you hope its not for you.
The only reason you’re still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
People ask what color your hair USED to be.
You’re proud of your lawnmower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn’t breaking any laws.
You start singing along with the elevator music.
You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
Your car has four doors.
You routinely check the oil in your car.
You’ve owned clothes so long that they’ve come back into style–TWICE.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
8 AM is your idea of “sleeping in”.
You don’t remember when you got that mole…or the one next to it.
You write thank you notes without being told.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
You answer a question with “Because I said so!”
Others ask for your recipes.
You start Christmas shopping in August.
You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
You don’t like to drive after dark.
You say the words “Turn that music down!”
You wear black socks with sandals.
You point out what buildings used to be where.
You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
You rake the yard without being told to.
You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.
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Read all jokes from: Medical (+1842), Over the Hill (+599)
This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why, are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”
She replied, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He asked why.
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!”
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Read all jokes from: Medical (+1842), Over the Hill (+599)
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”
The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.”
The pharmacist said, “That won’t do you any good.”
The elderly gentleman said, “That’s alright. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5689), Over the Hill (+599)
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship- style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
St. Peter replied, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the World laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part – you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
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