When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
When I’m an old lady,
I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness…
just as they did.
I want to pay back
all the joy they’ve provided,
Returning each deed.
Oh, they’ll be so excited!
I’ll write on the wall
with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture
wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton
and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets
and oh, how they’ll shout!
When they’re on the phone
and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things
like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they’ll snap their fingers
and then shake their head,
And when that is done
I’ll hide under the bed!
When they cook dinner
and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans
or salad or meat.
I’ll gag on my okra,
spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry
I’ll run… if I’m able!
I’ll sit close to the TV,
through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both my eyes
just to see if they stick.
I’ll take off my socks
and throw one away,
And play in the mud
’til the end of the day!
And later in bed,
I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank God in prayer
and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down
with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan,
“She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t remember your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t recall it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
At the Senior Citizens’ luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?”
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right in the boat. When finished the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.
They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?” There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the gentleman asks, “Well, do you want to go up or down?”
The woman replied, “Down.”
A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?”
She replied, “Up.”
This really confused the gentleman so he asks, “What’s the deal? Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing.”
She replied, “Well, yesterday I didn’t have my hearing aid in and I thought you said ‘fuck or drown’!”
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The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”
The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”
“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”
“You can go home and forget about it!”
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.
As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.
The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints — this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.
He responded with, “Mrs. Goldstein, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”
My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, …. “Anyone who’s 99.”
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
A nice young Post Office worker was sorting through her regular mail when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
GOD, c/o Heaven.
Upon opening the envelope, the enclosed letter told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
The young lady was deeply touched, and passed the hat among her work mates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read,
“Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those jerks at the post office!”
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Old is when….
Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love”, and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both”.
Old is when….
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
Old is when….
A sexy body on TV catches your attention and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
Old is when….
Going bra – less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
Old is when….
You don’t care where your spouse goes just as long as you don’t have to go.
Old is when….
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
Old is when….
“Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
Old is when….
“Getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lot.
Old is when….
An “all nighter” means not getting up to go pee.
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
There was a nice old lady that was a little old fashioned. She was planning a weeks vacation in Florida at a particular campground, but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities. However, she could not bring herself to write ‘toilet’ in a letter.
After considerable deliberation, she settled on “Bathroom Commode”, but when she wrote that down it still sounded too forward so she rewrote the letter to the campground and referred to the bathroom commode as the ‘BC’.
Upon reading the letter, the campground owner was baffled by the inquiry for a BC. He showed the letter to several campers but they couldn’t decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner figured she must be referring to the local Baptist Church. And so, he sat down and wrote the following:
“Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure to inform you that a BC is located just nineteen miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at a time.
I admit, it is quite a distance away if you’re in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They’re going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly. There is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems more of an effort particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.”
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