Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
* Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
* Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
* Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”
* Granny found handcuffed to her walker.
* Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
* Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.
* Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.
* You’ve just seen their photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of the May issue of Hustler.
* Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
* Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for “doggy style.”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full…of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans…we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves…and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!
Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself…and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the “big” questions — what is life, why am I here…how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn’t find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: Ma’am, sorry to inform you that we found your husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster, and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.
The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “To the kitchen.”
She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
He replies, “Sure.”
She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
He says, “No, I can remember that.”
She then says, “Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that.”
He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
She replies, “Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”
With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “You forgot my toast.”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Miss Bea was in her 80′s and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.
“Miss Bea,” he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this.” Pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven’t had a cold all winter!”
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Read all jokes from: Medical (+1844), Over the Hill (+599)
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
The man replied, “Just doing what you said doctor, “Get a hot mama and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that! I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Jeanne Calment, at 120 years and counting, is the oldest living human who’s birth date can be authenticated. When recently asked to describe her vision for the future, she replied, “Very brief.”
From Win Arn comes another quip about an aging woman. When the reporter asked the birthday girl what she like best about being 102 years old, she answered, “No peer pressure.”
Finally, John Fetterman, rector of Grace Episcopal Church in Madison, Wisconsin told of an elderly woman who died last April. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
“You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell”.
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”?
“You’re coming empty handed”?
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
Dear Friend: Just a line to say I’m living…
That I’m not among the dead,
Though I’m getting more forgetful
And mixed up in the head.
I got used to my arthritis,
To my dentures I’m resigned,
I can manage my bifocals,
But Lord… how I miss my mind!!!
Sometimes I can’t remember
When I stand at the foot of the stairs.
If I must go up for something…
Or if I’ve just come down from there,
I stand before the fridge at times,
My poor mind filled with doubt,
Have I come to put food away,
Or come to take some out?
There are times when it is dark out,
And with my nightcap on my head,
I don’t know if I’m retiring…
Or just getting out of bed.
So if it’s my turn to write you,
There’s no need for getting sore,
I may think that I have written
And don’t want to be a bore.
I do know that I miss you
And wish that you were near.
And now it’s nearly mail time
So I must say goodbye, my dear.
Now I’m standing beside the mail box
With a face so red,
Instead of mailing you my letter …
I have opened it instead!!!
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599)
With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65.00…that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner.
There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that’s OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafe’s there. The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to Sue. What more can you ask for? As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.
So: When I reach the Golden age help me keep my grin. Just check my old rickety ass into the nearest Holiday Inn!
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