Read all jokes from: Bear (+406), Genie (+60)
One day a bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest when they tripped over a genies lamp.
the genie comes out and says “hold it, hold it, hold it. If you two will just quit chasing each other for three minutes I’ll give you both three wishes”.
So they say okay that sounds fair.
the genie says “okay who’ll go first?”
the bear pushes the rabbit out of the way and says “i’ll go first”
so the genie says “okay”.
the bear goes “i wish all the bears in the forest exept for me were girls”.
the genie snappes his fingers and says done.
the rabbit says “I wish I had a crash helmet”.
the bear goes well thats a dumb wish.
but the rabbit says “thats my wish”.
the genie snappes his fingers and says done.
the bear says “I wish every bear in the world exept me were girls”.
the genie goes thats a big wish “it’ll count as two wishes”.
the bear goes “o- okay i’ll do it”.
the rabbit has two wishes left so the rabbit says “i wish for a motor scooter”.
then he gets on the scooter puts on his crash helmet and as he’s driving away
he yells “i wish the bear was gay”.
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Read all jokes from: You live in if (+45)
You can name everyone you graduated with.
You know what 4-H is.
You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
You used to drag “main.”
You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn’t (same goes with the game warden)
You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they’d tell your parents anyhow).
When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.
You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
You had senior skip day.
The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
You don’t give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson’s house, go two blocks past Anderson’s, and it’s four houses left of the track field).
You can’t help but date a friend’s ex-girlfriend (or boyfriend).
Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
The town next to you is considered “trashy” or “snooty”, but is actually just like your town.
You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the “rich people.”
The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend two years later.
You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.
Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
Directions are given using “the” stop light as a reference.
Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis.
Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
Your teachers call you by your older siblings names.
Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
You can charge at all the local stores.
The closest McDonald’s is 45 miles away… So is the closest mall.
It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawnmower.
You laugh your head off reading this because you know they’re all true and forward it to everyone who lives in your town!
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Read all jokes from: Drunk (+136), Genie (+60)
Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They manage to inflate a life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slips under the surface.
After floating under blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, “Okay, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I’ve been doing this three-wishes thing for a while now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys only get one wish and then I’m outta here, so make it a good one.”
Without thinking, the first guy blurted out, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!”
“Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer.
“Great move, Einstein,” said the second guy, slapping the first guy up the side of his head. “Now we’re gonna have to pee in the boat!”
88 views |
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Read all jokes from: You live in if (+45)
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town’s turn to ban VLT’s
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it
51 views |
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Read all jokes from: Miscellaneous (+55)
A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, but were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As they watched from the passenger’s side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” the man announced to the technician, “It’s open!”
“I know,” answered the young man. “I already got that side.”
21 views |
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Genie (+60), Over the Hill (+599)
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
“Well,” said the woman, “I guess I’d like to be rich.”
POOF!
The fairy godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
“And I wouldn’t mind being a young and beautiful princess.”
POOF!
The fairy godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.
The elderly woman’s dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse “woof.”
“Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?”
POOF!
There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man any one had ever seen. More handsome than any one could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, “I’ll bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”
62 views |
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Read all jokes from: Miscellaneous (+55)
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Hutch
Hutch who?
God bless you!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben waiting, what took you so long?
Knock-nock
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Atch
Atch who?
Bless you!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes the stupidest knock-knock joke ever!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Doris
Doris who?
Doris closed, that’s why I’m knocking.
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Acid
Acid who?
Acid sit down and be quiet!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Ada
Ada who?
Ada burger for lunch.
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Adair
Adair who?
Adair once but I’m bald now!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Adolf
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alaska
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question then!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Aida
Aida who?
Aida lot of sweets and now I’ve got tummy ache!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Aladdin
Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you.
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alba
Alba who?
Alba in the kitchen if you need me.
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alec
Alec who?
Alec-tricity. Isn’t that a shock?!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alexia
Alexia who?
Alexia again to open this door!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alfalfa
Alfalfa who?
Alfalfa you, if you give me a kiss!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alfred
Alfred who?
Alfred the needle if you sew!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Allied
Allied who?
Allied, so sue me!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alma
Alma who?
Alma-ny knock-knock jokes can you take?!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Amana
Amana who?
Amana bad mood!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Ammonia
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little kid!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Amory
Amory who?
Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Amy
Amy who?
Amy fraid I’ve forgotten!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Annetta
Annetta who?
Annetta wisecrack and you’re out of here!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Augusta
Augusta who?
Augusta go home now!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s only a joke!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Button
Button who?
Button in is not polite!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Carl
Carl who?
Carl get you there quicker than if you walk!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Cash
Cash who?
I knew you were nuts!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Cassie
Cassie who?
Cassie the forest for the trees!
Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Celeste !
Celeste who ?
Celeste time I’m going to tell you this !
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Cereal
Cereal who?
Cereal pleasure to meet you!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Colleen
Colleen who?
Colleen up this mess!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Cologne
Cologne who?
Cologne me names won’t help!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Cozy
Cozy who?
Cozy who’s knocking!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Collier
Collier who?
Collier big brother see if I care!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Congo
Congo who?
Congo out, I’m grounded!
Knock-knock
Who’s There?
Impatient cow
Impatient c—MOO!!!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce pray!!!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Oops, wrong door!
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
I
I who?
I am!!!!!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Madame
Madame who?
Madame foot will be up your butt if you don’t open this door!
44 views |
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Read all jokes from: Miscellaneous (+55), Redhead (+78)
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m bottomless.”
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!”
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. “YES! I WIN! I WIN!”
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?”
The other answers, “I thought YOU were watching!”
84 views |
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Read all jokes from: Quotes (+12)
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
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Read all jokes from: Genie (+60), Women (+407)
A man walking on the beach sees a bottle, picks it up, and a genie comes out, “I’ve been in there for 1000′s of years, I’ll grant you one wish”.
“Well” pauses the man, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but could never afford the plane ticket, or the cruise, can you build a bridge?
“Man, quite the wish, I mean the concrete, the pave, the steel, you know what you are asking for, this is complicated. Would you have anything simpler in mind?
“I have always wanted to know how women think”, says the man, “why they react the way they do, why they do all that they do”.
“Will that be 2 lanes or 4 on the bridge?”
116 views |
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