Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week.”
“This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting,” he continued, “So would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but, being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, “Yes! Lot’s of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
The wife replies, “I did… they were in your tackle box.”
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Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
This is the text from a 50year old home economics textbook.
“Have his dinner ready. Plan the night before to have a delicious meal ready for him on time. This will let him know that you’ve been thinking of him and concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the thought of a good meal is part of the warm welcome he needs.
Make yourself look nice. Take a 15 minutes rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives home. Touch up your make-up and put a pink ribbon in your hair. Don’t forget he has just been with a lot of work-weary people, so he will need you to look fresh. Be gay and interesting, as his boring day will need a lift.
Clear away the clutter around the house. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives home and gather up school books, toys, paper, etc. Run a duster over the tables. Then, when he arrives home, your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order. It will give you a lift too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces, comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimise all noise. As soon as he arrives home, turn off the washer, dryer, dishwasher and vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and look glad to see him.
Don’t greet him with problems and don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. So make him comfortable. Have him lean back in his armchair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other pleasant entertainment. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax. Your goal is to try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax in body and spirit.”
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Women (+407)
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.
Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can’t dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).
Never sleep with a man who’s named his willy.
Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn’t ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books.
A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, ‘oh alright, I’ll stay the night”.
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practising.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar”.
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a ‘former boyfriend”.
There are two significant influences in a man’s life and they are both his mother.
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong – but you could still use them.
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Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
This is going to be the theme for the next Survivor Show:
Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 A.M; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.
The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years – eventually earning the right to be called “Mother”.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Women (+407)
Men are like department stores… their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations… they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers… hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers… load them with beer and you can take them anywhere
Men are like chocolate bars… sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee… the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes… they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers… they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
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Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one’s self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective. Please circle your answers to each below:
1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: “The ultimate in feminine protection?”
1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
2. I’m amazed the pigs have no law banning women’s T-Shirts.
3. A 9mm for “light days” and a .44 Magnum for “heavy days.”
2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
1. All you’ll ever need.
2. Like I’d use yet another phallic symbol.
3. The signal to open fire.
3. The movie “Thelma & Louise” was:
1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence.
2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
3. A training film.
4. What was technically wrong with the scene in “Thelma & Louise” where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer?
1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche, I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.
5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse?
3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:
1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
2. Yeah, like I’m supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs!
3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster?
1. Obscene! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
2. What’s a bra?
3. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of my shoulder sling.
8. Define “male.”
1. The first syllable of “malevolence,” which in turn is only one letter short of “male violence.”
2. An animal with a one-track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?
1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won’t need nasty things like that.
2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male-dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.
10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?
1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
2. As many as I had, assuming the male-dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun, let alone ammunition in the first place.
3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself and get in touch with your feelings?
Grading the Exam
* If 8 or more of your answers were “1″ – This indicates you’re a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were “2″ – Hey babe, you’re stuck in the 60′s sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean, like, what more do you want outta us poor males?
* If 8 or more of your answers were “3″ – Don’t feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in “Bride of Rambo”.
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Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
On wall in ladies room: “My husband follows me everywhere…” Written just below it “I do not!”
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Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
Julie’s boyfriend told her he’d lost all his money
What did she say?
I’ll miss you darling!
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Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
A central west couple drove their car to K-Mart only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
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Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
* I shave my legs
* I sit down to pee
* I can justify any shopping spree
* I don’t go to a barber, but a beauty salon
* I can balance the checkbook
* I can pump my own gas
* I can talk to my friends about the size of my bottom
* My beauty’s a masterpiece, and yes, it takes a long time.
* At least I can admit to others when I’m wrong
* I don’t drive in circles at any cost, and I don’t have a problem admitting I’m lost
* I Don’t act like I’m in a timed marathon every time I have to go to the john
* Hey, put the seat down,’cause I won’t leave it up!
* I never forget an important date
* You just gotta deal with it, I’m usually late
* I don’t watch movies with lots of gore
* I don’t need instant replay to remember the score
* I won’t lose my hair
* I don’t get jock itch
* Flowers are okay, but jewelry’s best
* I don’t have a problem expressing my feelings
* I know when you’re lying, you look at the ceiling
Now, you must forward this to at least 5 FEMALES or you will have a HORRIBLE streak of shopping and lose a credit card, you’ll break a nail when you pump gas, you’ll forget to pick up one of your children, you’ll accidentally wear 2 different shoes to work and your husband/mate will not give you that jewelry you’ve been wishing for! (so buy it yourself!)
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