Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”
The wife lies down on the bed… just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
“Look,… lie here on the bed – you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife… Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here?”
The manager replies: “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”
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Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
A young couple from the country honeymooned at a really fancy ocean-side resort. because they knew it would be expensive, they had planned to limit their stay to just the weekend, but were just unable to leave, enjoying themselves and each other so much, and extended their stay another day. Upon checking out, the desk clerk said, “That’ll be an additional $150 apiece.”
“Good God man!!!” cried the groom, totally shocked, “That’s two thousand two-hundred and fifty dollars!!! Are you crazy?”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
1. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.
3. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
4. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
5. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what’s good for thee.
7. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
8. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
9. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She
looks surprised and says, I don’t have a headache!”
He says, “Aha!”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Nymphomaniac Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallis.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.
There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small.
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.
There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you’d guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaifed maiden to boot.
There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
“Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.”
A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
“The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson.”
Said a woman with open delight,
“My pubic hair’s perfectly white.
I admit there’s a glare,
But the fellows don’t care.
They locate it more quickly at night,”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Dear Diary,
Monday
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it’s fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “beat12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “serve without dressing”. So I didn’t dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, “wash thoroughly before steaming the rice”. So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can’t say it improved the rice any.
Thursday
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, “prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” I hunted all over the garden by my moms. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.” Beat it I did, right over to my mom’s house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday
Today Bill’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Monday
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, “mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk.” I just won’t bake bread if I have to double in bulk.
Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.
Love,
Pam
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Read all jokes from: Marriage (+787), Medical (+1842)
A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot two things – condoms and dramamine, since the man gets terrible motion sickness on ships.
So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise, and the man goes in to get the necessary supplies. He walked up to the counter with a plenty-pack of condoms and asked for the largest bottle of Dramamine available.
The pharmacist looked at him for a second and then asked, “If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your
name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer
the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply…
___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating
it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by thetruckload”
indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my
personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour
hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten
up repeatedly at recess.
___You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying
to
kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek
u
niforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in
a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really
necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
___________
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule 1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can neve have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
Rule 3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule 4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule 5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule 6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule 7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.
Rule 8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule 9: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule 10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear’s Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)
Rule 11: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
Rule 12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
Rule 13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule 14: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule 15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Here are “Love & Marriage” as seen through the eyes of our kids!
How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?
“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.”
Kally, age 9
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Allan, age 10
“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Kirsten, age 10
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
“Both don’t want no more kids.”
Lori, age 8
What is the Proper Age to Get Married?
“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!”
Cam, age 10
“No age is good to get married at…. You got to be a fool to get married!”
Freddie, age 6
How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?
“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”
Eddie, age 6
“You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
Derrick, age 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”
Lynnette, age 8
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
Martin, age 10
When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
“When they’re rich!”
Pam, age 7
“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7
“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them… It’s the right thing to do.”
Howard, age 8
What Would You Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour?
“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”
Craig, age 9
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
“I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing … I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out!”
Theodore, age 8
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!”
Anita, age 9
“Single is better … for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers… Of course, if I did get married, I’d figure something out. I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.”
Kirsten, age 10
What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?
“The first thing I’d say to them is: ‘Listen up, youngins … I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?’”
Craig, age 9
What Promises Do a Man and a Woman MakeWhen They Get Married?
“A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together.”
Marlon, age 10
How to Make a Marriage Work?
“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!”
Ricky, age 7
How Would the World Be Different if People Didn’t Get Married?
“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
Kelvin, age 8
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