Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”
The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?”
The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”
The woman says, “A hermaphrodite… what’s that?”
The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the… er… features… of a male and a female.”
The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis… AND a brain?”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you.”
“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
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Read all jokes from: Family (+438)
One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man. “What the hell are you doing?” shouted the irate husband.
“See,” the wife said to the man lying beside her, “Didn’t I tell you he doesn’t know a thing about sex?”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
10. Much easier to prove that you’re superior.
9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.
8. Won’t want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see “Phantom of the Opera.”
7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet–even though it’s stuffed with condoms instead of money.
6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.
5. They won’t object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of ‘the guys.’
4. They actually believe you when you say, “I love you for your mind and personality, now please finish putting on that French maid outfit.”
3. Don’t understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you’ve been saying about them.
2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe your definition of eight inches.
1. They will put up with you.
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Read all jokes from: Family (+438)
- The pet cat got better food than you did.
- Your parents told you about strange men giving away sweets and to go and find as many of them as possible.
- You play “hide & seek” with your Mother and she hides in another town.
- Your parents take you to an orphanage and tell you to mingle.
- Your parents told you about the magic money box in the cupboard where you can hide your pocket money, and – you’ve since found out it was the coin-op electric meter.
- You had to share your sandbox with the cat.
- You always got your weekly allowance in Traveler’s Checks.
- Your folks threw a “going-into-the-Army” party when you were only three years old.
- You run away, and the family can’t give the Police an accurate description.
- You kept getting left beside the monkey enclosure at the zoo.
- You were always stood-up at the Father-Son banquet held at the local Church.
- Kidnappers send back a piece of your ear and your parents demand more proof before they pay any ransom.
- When you were born, your Father gave out old cigar butts.
- Your parents encourage you to fish in shark infested waters.
- As a baby, your Father threw you in the air and walked away.
- You find out your Mother is nursing another baby on the side.
- Your tub toys included a toaster shaped like a rubber duck.
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Farting is never an issue/You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all times.
He takes you out to have a good time/He brings home a 6 pack and says, “What are you going to drink?”
He holds your hand in public/He flicks your ear in public.
A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad/A King size bed feels like an Army cot.
You are turned on at the sight of him naked/You think to yourself…. “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
You enjoyed foreplay/You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”
He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason/He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
You picture the two of you together, growing old/You wonder who will die first.
Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy”/When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
He knows what the “hamper” is/The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”/He says, “It’s your job.”
He understands that you have “male” friends/He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
He likes to “discuss” things/He develops a “blank” stare.
He calls you by name/He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Heavenly Father up above;
Bless this guy I truly love.
Bless his hair that sometimes curls;
Keep him away from other girls.
Bless his hands that sometimes roam;
Let them roam on me alone.
Bless his legs that run so fast;
Bless his little sexy ass.
Bless the places where we laid;
Bless the gap which he has made.
Bless the places where we fucked;
Bless my breast on which he sucked.
Bless the places that were dark;
Bless my neck on which he marked.
Bless the thickness of his sperm;
Protect it from numeral germs.
Bless his body I love to quench;
Bless his tongue I love to french.
Bless my voice for when I squeal;
Bless his penis I love to feel.
Bless his ass I love to squeeze;
Bless his balls I love to please.
And if he reads this prayer of mine;
I hope it blows his f*cking mind.
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class
was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe
properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at
this stage of the plan.
“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher. “Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the
time to go walking with your partner!”
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand.
“Yes?” asked the instructor.
“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off
her late husband’s penis and shove it up his rectum. The mortician
objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffin
closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a
tear coming from his eye. She says “Hurts doesn’t it, you son of a
bitch!”
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