Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
This is the text from a 50year old home economics textbook.
“Have his dinner ready. Plan the night before to have a delicious meal ready for him on time. This will let him know that you’ve been thinking of him and concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the thought of a good meal is part of the warm welcome he needs.
Make yourself look nice. Take a 15 minutes rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives home. Touch up your make-up and put a pink ribbon in your hair. Don’t forget he has just been with a lot of work-weary people, so he will need you to look fresh. Be gay and interesting, as his boring day will need a lift.
Clear away the clutter around the house. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives home and gather up school books, toys, paper, etc. Run a duster over the tables. Then, when he arrives home, your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order. It will give you a lift too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces, comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimise all noise. As soon as he arrives home, turn off the washer, dryer, dishwasher and vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and look glad to see him.
Don’t greet him with problems and don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. So make him comfortable. Have him lean back in his armchair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other pleasant entertainment. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax. Your goal is to try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax in body and spirit.”
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Read all jokes from: Marriage (+787)
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die”.
1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores.
4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
“You’re going to die,” she replied.
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Bob’s greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife “Mother of Six”, despite her continual objections.
One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”
His irritated wife hollered back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
She: “Do you think of me when you’re away darling?”
He: “Yes honey, I always bare you in mind.”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Wife: “Why can’t my mother move in with us?”
Husband: “Because the Bible says I can’t!”
Wife: “Show me where it says that!”
Husband: “Right here, see. No man can serve two masters!”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess,
I have two mounds upon my bodice.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
I can justify any shopping spree.
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on.
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don’t drive in circles at any cost,
So I don’t have to admit when I am lost.
Don’t act like I’m in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john.
Let me tell you men, listen to me boys…
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys…
You love them more then we ever will.
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.
I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you’re two hours late.
I don’t watch movies with lots of gore.
Don’t need instant replay to remember the score.
I won’t lose my hair, I don’t get jock itch
And just cause I’m assertive, don’t call me a bitch.
I don’t wear the same underwear everyday.
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
I don’t go to Sears to look at the tools.
I don’t cheat at poker, I follow the rules.
I don’t smoke cigars.
Don’t pay for drinks at bars.
I don’t punch my friends just to say “Hi”
And it’s o.k. for me to cry.
I know all you men
Think that you’re “IT”,
But compared to a woman
You just ain’t SHIT!
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil magnate
demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his
young bride.
“What’s the problem?”
“I want to hit that adulterin’ bitch for breach of contract,”
snapped the oil man.
“I don’t know if that will fly,” said the lawyer. “I mean your wife
isn’t a piece of property; you don’t own her!”
“Damn right,” the tycoon rejoined, “but I sure as hell expect
exclusive drillin’ rights!
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Read all jokes from: Marriage (+787)
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. “She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home,” she said.
“What an example of devotion,” Dave replied. “I wonder if you’d be that concerned about me?”
“Honey,” she answered, “if you were gone overnight, and I didn’t know where you were, you can be sure I’d be waiting for you at the front door.”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
* If she says she is a virgin that doesn’t mean she is from a state in the South.
* Silence doesn’t mean your performance leaves her speechless.
* If you’re going to call out a name make sure it’s the right one.
* Choking the chicken is not something done at farms.
* Spanking the monkey is not something done at zoos.
* No one in junior high is 18, even if they’re wearing a lot of make-up.
* You don’t need a passport to French kiss.
* If your partner asks you to wear a leather mask it does not mean that it is Halloween.
* Safe sex does not mean she has an airbag attached to her.
* Spermicide is not made by Raid.
* The clap doesn’t mean she is applauding your performance.
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
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