Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. “Look Miss,” said the foreman, “Have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”
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Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, “I’ve found a man just like father!”
Her mother replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,
“You bitch, your cunt is too hairy! Whell your dick is to small bastard!”
The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and
asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of
the situation, “You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each
other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats.” The boy
shrugged his shoulders and went off to play. Later that day the boy was
watching his dad shave. Suddenly his dad blurted out, “Shit” when he cut
himself. The boy asked, “dad what does that mean?” and his dad cleverly
replied, “That’s the brand of shaving cream I’m using.” So the boy wandered
into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that
evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and
blurted out “Fuck”. Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated
mother snapped at him, “It’s french for cooking now go awnser the door! The
company is already here!” So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his
new vocabulary to use, “Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cunts
and dicks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on
his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.”
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Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered:
General Education
* GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
* GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly “Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic”)
* GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
* GE104: How to Parallel Park
* GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
* GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
* GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera
Home Economics
* HE101a: Over-Laundering – Why Clothing Wears Out Premature
* HE101b: Over-Vacuuming – Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
* HE101c: Over-Dusting – Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
* HE101d: Over-Washing – Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
* HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don’t Have (formerly “How to Cut Credit Cards in Half”)
* HE103: Overcoming “The Imelda Syndrome” (formerly called “How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?”)
Interpersonal Relationships
* IR101: How to Say “No” With Kindness and Appreciation
* IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby
* IR103: Submission – a Biblical Perspective
* IR104: Marriage – The Number One Cause of Divorce
* IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings – PMS (formerly “Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else’s Life Too”)
* IR106: Understanding Men’s Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called “We Know What That Little ‘Plastic Applicator’ is REALLY For!”)
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
These two guys go to a whorehouse.
The first guy goes in then comes out and says,
“My wife is better.”
The second guy goes in then comes out and says,
“You know what? Your wife IS better.”
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Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137), Marriage (+787), Men (+300)
A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. “Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the Devil!”
He sticks out his hand… “Put it there, pal,” he says, “I am married to your sister.”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of $76.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him on the forehead.
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Read all jokes from: Marriage (+787), Medical (+1842)
A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body. She smiled and gushed, “Well, hello there Doc.” and kept right on going.
After a moment’s pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, “Don’t worry dear, that’s just a young lady I know professionally.”
Without missing a beat, his wife asked, “Hers or Yours?”
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