Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week.”
“This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting,” he continued, “So would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but, being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, “Yes! Lot’s of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
The wife replies, “I did… they were in your tackle box.”
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Read all jokes from: In-law (+105)
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.
“This young man agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.
“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.
And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.
“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, ” and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”
“Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.
But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”
The wise king did not hesitate a moment.
“The accountant must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.
“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king’s court.
“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law!”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
* Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
* Don’t imagine that you can change a man unless he is in diapers
* What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
* So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
* If they put a man on the moon – why can’t they put them all there?
* Tell him you are not his type – you have a pulse.
* Never let your man’s mind wander – it is too little to be let out alone.
* Go for younger men – you might as well, they never mature anyway.
* Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
* Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
* Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the Do It Yourself types.
* The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.
* Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
* A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually ‘oh alright, I’ll stay the night.’
* Sadly, all men are created equal.
* Remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
* The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of ‘former boyfriend.’
* There are lots of words to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong but you can still use them.
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE: Clever men don’t BECOME husbands!
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Read all jokes from: Family (+438)
A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is , where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did note invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there and the next day she was.
She is very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror directly, to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude.
I have tried screaming at her to stop it, but she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She is really quite frightening!
She insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay a little rent. But, NO! Every once in a while I do find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but that is not nearly enough.
In fact, I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw one hundred dollars and a few days later it is all gone. I certainly don’t spend money that fast so I can only conclude that the old lady is pilfering from me.
You would think she would use some of that money to buy some wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it! And money isn’t the only thing I think she is taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate too. Especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. I just can’t seem to keep that stuff in the house any more. She must really have a sweet tooth, but she better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds! I think she realizes that and too make herself feel better she is tampering with my scale to make me think that I am putting on weight too.
For an old lady, she really is quite childish though. She like to play these really nasty games like going into my closets when I’m not home and altering my clothes so that they don’t fit. Or messing with my files and papers so that I can’t find them. This is particularly annoying since I am an extremely neat and organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to make it not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed it to record.
She has found imaginative other ways to annoy me. She gets to my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and somehow blurs the print so badly that I can’t see it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone so that all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She had done other things like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Further more, she gets to my groceries before I get them put away and applies super glue to the lids making it almost impossible for me to open them. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?
I don’t even get any respite at night because more than once her snoring has awakened me. It is very unattractive! And as if that weren’t bad enough, she is no longer confining her tactics to the house. She has found a way to sneak into my car and follow me everywhere I go. She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she tries on the exact outfit and stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit and plus she keeps me from seeing how great it looks on me.
Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my drivers license picture taken and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped right in front of me!! Who is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me?
She is walking on very thin ice now and if she keeps this up, I swear I will have her put away! But then, on second thought, maybe I shouldn’t be too hasty. I think I will check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent. Oh, oh, I wonder if she has beat me to that first because she is always on my computer too.
SIGH…….what’s a body to do????
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Read all jokes from: Marriage (+787)
A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn’t use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery.
As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.
One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying.
“What’s the matter?” her husband asked.
She said “I can’t believe you did this for me.”
Her husband hugged her and replied, “Don’t worry about it, I love you, and I’d do anything for you.”
But how will I ever repay you?” she asked.
To which he replied, “You don’t need to repay me… you wouldn’t believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek.”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says, “I live in a two-story house.”
The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”
The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.’”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
* Call her by the dog’s name and then deny it.
* Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
* Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
* Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she’s gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
* Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
* Call her by your mother’s name and then deny it.
* Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
* Buy her power tools for Valentine’s Day.
* Never give her a straight answer.
* Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
* Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
* Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
* Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
* Answer every question with “Yes, dear.” (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
One day a wife asked one of the “no-win” questions to her husband: “What would you do if I died?”
Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.”
However, the conversation would go more like this…
“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?”
“Would you remarry?” persevered the wife.
“No, of course not, dear,” said the husband.
“Don’t you like being married?” said the wife.
“Of course I do, dear” he said.
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
“Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”
“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes” said the husband.
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause.
“Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.
“I see,” said the wife indignantly.” And would you let her wear my old clothes?”
“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.
“Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”
“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.”
“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”
“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She is left-handed.”
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Read all jokes from: Marriage (+787)
Mr. Jones patted his daughter’s hand fondly, and told her, “Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent.” – “Oh, Papa,” gushed the daughter, “it’s going to be so hard leaving mother.” – “I understand perfectly, my dear,” beamed Mr. Jones. “You just take her with you.”
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