Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don’t imagine that you can change a man unless he is in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon – why can’t they put them all there?
Tell him you are not his type – you have a pulse.
Never let your mans mind wander – it is too little to be let out alone.
Go for younger men – you might as well, they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the Do It Yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
A mans idea of serious commitment is usually ‘oh alright, I’ll stay the night.’
Sadly, all men are created equal.
Remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of ‘former boyfriend.’
There are lots of words to describe men – strong, caring, loving -they’d be wrong but you can still use them.
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Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
The story is told of a chance meeting between 2 men who had been college classmates. They went to a nearby sidewalk cafe where they drank tea together & talked about old times & about their present life situations.
“How is it that you haven’t yet married?” one asked the other.
To which his friend replied, “To be perfectly honest, I must tell you that I spent years of my life looking for the perfect woman. In Barcelona, I met a very beautiful and extremely intelligent woman and, for a brief time, I thought I had found the ideal person to be my wife. But soon I discovered that she was terribly vain. Then, in Boston, I met a woman who was outgoing and generous. ‘Here is the perfect woman,’ I thought at first. But soon I discovered that she was flighty and irresponsible. I continued my search, but always found something missing in the women I was attracted to. Then, incredibly, one day I met her! I actually met her. She was beautiful, intelligent, kind, generous, and had a great sense of humor. In short, she was perfect.”
“Well, then.” said the friend, “What happened? Why didn’t you marry her?”
To which the other replied, “I soon discovered she was looking for the perfect man.”
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Read all jokes from: Family (+438)
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION …
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING …
“You are going to get it when we get home!”
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE …
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me LOGIC …
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE …
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD …
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get good job.”
My Mother taught me ESP …
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me HUMOR …
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My Mother taught me about SEX …
“How do you think you got here?”
My Mother taught me about GENETICS …
“You’re just like your father.”
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS …
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE …
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
And my all time favorite… JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like.”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen. He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like. She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday – the one you never wore because the colors didn’t suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now.”
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. “That’s all fine and good,” she said, “but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple… see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. “I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum.”
“You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?”
“Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, ‘Thanks.’”
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Lists (+730), Men vs. Women (+5688)
* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
* Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
* Dogs look at your eyes.
* Dogs aren’t threatened by a woman with short hair.
* Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.
* Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.
* Dogs understand what “no” means.
* Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with.
* Dogs do not play games with you – except fetch and they never laugh at how you throw.
* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.
* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
* Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.
* Dogs don’t mind if you do all the driving.
* Dogs don’t step on the imaginary brake.
* Dogs admit it when they’re lost.
* Dogs don’t weigh down your purse with their stuff.
* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
* Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
* You can train a dog.
* You can force a dog to take a bath.
* Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
* Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous.
* The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gave it to you.)
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Read all jokes from: Women (+407)
When asked “Is something bothering you?” reply “NO” then get mad when you are believed.
Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be mad about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say “It’s no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.” when you mean “It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!”
Whine.
If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it’s because he is lazy.
No matter what the activity, he doesn’t do it as well as a past boyfriend.
If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
Complain.
Hate any bar that he likes.
Demand to be treated as an equal in everything……..except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc………. these are required gifts proving his love.
Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you’re irregular from all of the stress in your life
Remember that ANY woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled cheap and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.
Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
Break into tears for no apparent reason
Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
Insert yourself into your boyfriend’s group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.
Tell your boyfriend it is OK to go out with another girl, who is just a friend, and get mad when he does.
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Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
Women’s Quote of the Day: “Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner with.”
Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day: “Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.”
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Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5688)
My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.
She’s very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
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Read all jokes from: Marriage (+787)
Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives.
After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.
The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his independence.
“That’s easy,” said the fellow, “My wife told me to stand here!”
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