Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
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Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
A young couple from the country honeymooned at a really fancy ocean-side resort. because they knew it would be expensive, they had planned to limit their stay to just the weekend, but were just unable to leave, enjoying themselves and each other so much, and extended their stay another day. Upon checking out, the desk clerk said, “That’ll be an additional $150 apiece.”
“Good God man!!!” cried the groom, totally shocked, “That’s two thousand two-hundred and fifty dollars!!! Are you crazy?”
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Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
This man went to the doctor because he had a problem. The doctor asked him what was wrong and the man said his dick was orange. So the doctor ran all the normal tests on him to see what was wrong. The doctor did not find any thing wrong with the man so the doctor asked the man if he lived next to a waste dump.
The man said “NO”.
Then the doctor asked him if he handled any toxic chemicals at work.
Again the man said “NO that he didn’t have a job”.
So the doctor asked him what he did all day long and the man said “I just sit around, watch Playboy Channel, and Eat CHEETOS.”
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Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
Evelyn was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag in the seat next to Sally.
“What’s in the bag?” asked the woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment; then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, “Good trade.”
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Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137), Marriage (+787), Men (+300)
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Hey honey, wanna fool around?’ … and she’s always sound asleep.”
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Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
Because I’m a man
* Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. Youre a woman – you never get as sick as I do, so for you this isnt a problem.
* Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries, like milk or bread. Don’t expect me to find exotic items like ‘cumin’ or ‘tofu’. For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, ever expect me to purchase anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.
* Because I’m a man, there’s no need to ask me what Im thinking about. The answer is always ‘sex’, ‘cars’ or ‘sport’.
* Because I’m a man, I don’t want to visit your mother or have her come visit us or talk to her when she calls or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mothers Day is OK – I dont need to see it. And dont forget to pick up something for my mother too.
* Because I’m a man, you dont have to ask me if I liked the movie. If youre crying at the end of it, chances are I didnt. And if you’re feeling amorous afterwards, then I’ll certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.
* Because I’m a man, I think what youre wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing 5 minutes ago was also fine. Either pair of shoes is fine. With or without the belt, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
* Because I’m a man, and this is the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming and the dishes. Ill do the rest, like looking for my socks.
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Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
The Male Rules
* Birthdays and anniversaries should not be challenges to see if we can again find the perfect present for you.
* Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
* Sunday is sports day. It’s like gravity or a full moon or gravity. Let it be.
* Just ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this. Subtle hints don’t work. Nor do strong or even obvious hints. So just simply tell us what you want.
* We don’t remember dates. So write birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar and remind us frequently before the event.
* Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl now, so if it’s up, don’t moan, just put it down. We need it up and you never hear us complaining when you leave it down.
* Shopping is not a sport and we are never, ever going to think of it as such.
* Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to most questions.
* Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
* Only come to us with a problem if you really want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends do.
* Anything we said over 3 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
* If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We won’t answer.
* Most men own at most three pairs of shoes. So what makes you think we’re any good at helping you decide which pair of your shoes, out of forty, goes best with your dress?
* If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
* Men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour and we have no idea what mauve is.
* We are not mind readers and never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
* If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
* When we have to go out somewhere, anything you wear is fine. Really.
* If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
* Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
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Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
* Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
* If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films ended with a scream and a flush.
* Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
* Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
* All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
* Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
* All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
* A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
* Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
* Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
* Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
* Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
* Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
* Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
* Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
* If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he’s serious.
* Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.
* When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
* Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
* Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie ‘The Way We Were’ twice, voluntarily.
* Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
* Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
* Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
* Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
* When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
* Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
* Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
* Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
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Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
The story is told of a chance meeting between 2 men who had been college classmates. They went to a nearby sidewalk cafe where they drank tea together & talked about old times & about their present life situations.
“How is it that you haven’t yet married?” one asked the other.
To which his friend replied, “To be perfectly honest, I must tell you that I spent years of my life looking for the perfect woman. In Barcelona, I met a very beautiful and extremely intelligent woman and, for a brief time, I thought I had found the ideal person to be my wife. But soon I discovered that she was terribly vain. Then, in Boston, I met a woman who was outgoing and generous. ‘Here is the perfect woman,’ I thought at first. But soon I discovered that she was flighty and irresponsible. I continued my search, but always found something missing in the women I was attracted to. Then, incredibly, one day I met her! I actually met her. She was beautiful, intelligent, kind, generous, and had a great sense of humor. In short, she was perfect.”
“Well, then.” said the friend, “What happened? Why didn’t you marry her?”
To which the other replied, “I soon discovered she was looking for the perfect man.”
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Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
Women’s Quote of the Day: “Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner with.”
Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day: “Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.”
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