Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, “It’s my turn.”

“What do you mean, your turn?” yelled the husband.

“In bed,” she explained, “You’ve been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it’s my turn.”

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Read all jokes from:Family (+438)

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

“What’s wrong Marge?” she asked.

Marge told her that she had “morning sickness.”

Surprised the neighbor said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant.”

“I’m not,” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just damn sick of mornings!”

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Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)

Two women were discussing their sex lives, when one asked: “Do you know where I can get six black hens?”

The other looked bemused and replied: “Six black hens! Why do you want six black hens?”

Her friend replied: “Because my husband’s got a dead cock and I want to use them as pall bearers!”

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Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)

* If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming too high.

* Woman don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

* The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you’re sick of him.

* Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

* A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

* If you want a nice man go for a bald one – they try harder.

* Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

* A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

* Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

* Definition of a man with manners – he gets out of the bath to pee.

* Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married.

* Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men – a woman.

* There are a lot of words you can use to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong but you could still use them.

* Men are like animals, messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.

* Men’s brains are like the prison system – not enough cells per man.

* There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop”.

* Husbands are like children. They’re fine if they’re someone else’s.

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Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)

* Meaningful Communication: Where No Man Has Gone Before

* The Undiscovered Side of Baking: You Do It

* Combatting the Couch Potato Syndrome: Surprise, The NFL (NBA, etc) Does NOT Require Your Nightly Patronage to Remain On-air!

* Parties: How to Go Home with Whoever You Came With

* Woman Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Be Done By You Too!

* Bathroom Etiquette I: Putting Down the Seat

* Bathroom Etiquette II: Toothpaste, On the Brush, Not in the Sink

* Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You…

* Communication Skills I: How to Speak Intelligibly

* Communication Skills II: Keeping Your “Word”

* Communication Skills III: Getting/Keeping The Girl You Want Requires the Removal of These Words from Your Speech Pattern…

* Driving a Car Safely: You Can DO it!

* Party Etiquette: Avoiding Alcohol After You Can’t Stand Upright

* Telephone Skills: How to Use One, and NOT Two Weeks After Receiving Her Number

* Introduction to Parking

* Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space

* Overcoming Stupid Behavior: Don’t Treat Her Different When Your Friends Are Around

* Liquid Grain Storage: On Your Stomach, It is Fat

* Cooking I: How to Eat IN

* Cooking II: How to NOT Have Heart Attack By Age 21

* Cooking III: How to Inflict a Diet on YOURSELF

* Compliments: How to Give Them

* PMS: You Try It

* Dancing: Why Men Ought To

* Sex – How to Slow Down

* Classic Clothing: How To Match

* Cleaning: She Is Not Your Momma

* Laundry: How to Do It

* Intense Discussion About the Functions of Your Car: For Men Only

* Oil and Gas: Your Hair, Your Intestines. Problems NOT for Public Demonstration

* Learning to Ask Directions

* Appreciating Soaps, Colognes, etc…

* “How Was I?” – Why Women Lie

* TV Remotes: Not Your Personal Property

* Sexy Lingerie: The Difference Between SEXY and Risque

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Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787), Sex (+4815)

Two Polish guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding… “I’m not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.”
His buddy replies, “Oh, there’s an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says Those are the funniest balls I’ve ever seen! you hit her with the shovel!”

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Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)

(New words to an old Dylan song)

How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks.

How many times will it take ’til he knows
he has seen the three stooges enough

The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend

How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house

How many sounds can a man’s body make
before he sleeps on the couch

The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin

Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder’s Square again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain

How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them

The answer girlfriend, is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.

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Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the
man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

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Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)

For all you men, take heed. This is it. Understand this and you can stay out of whatever kind of trouble you feel the need to be in.

The Secrets of Women’s Language – A must-read for any man
Keywords and their meanings:

“Fine”:
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

“Five minutes”:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

“Nothing”:
This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.

“Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.

“Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows):
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

“Loud Sigh”:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

“Soft Sigh”:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

“Oh”:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows “Go ahead” followed by acts so unspeakable that we can’t bring ourselves to write about them.

“That’s Okay”:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

“Please Do”:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.

“Thanks”:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you’re welcome.

“Thanks a lot”:
This is much different from “Thanks”. A woman will say, “Thanks a lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing”.

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Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)

* Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.

* There would be a cure for stretch marks.

* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

* Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

* They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

* Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

* They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.

* Women would rule the world.

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