Read all jokes from: Animals (+5198), Lists (+729), Monkey (+37)
16 Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR’s early space program.
15 National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President’s relatives with typewriters.
14 Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!
13 “Organ grinding” no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.
12 First President in diapers since the Reagan years.
11 Shiny red ass could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.
10 Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.
9 N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, “Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”
8 Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe-taking at twice the speed of current administration.
7 New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.
6 State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes
of dung-tossing and chest thumping.
5 President’s IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh’s.
4 To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a unicycle.
3 “No, Ms. Embry, you can’t spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!”
2 During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson’s toupee.
and the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey…
1 On executive decisions: Silly-assed toothy grin means “yes.” Loud raspberry means “no.”
37 views |
|
|
 Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Lists (+729)
1. Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.
2. As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.
3. Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.
4. Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler’s favorite pasta.
5. Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as “technically” U.S. States.
6. Tells you that its Napoleon that’s the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box.
7. Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium.
8. Threatens to renact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time.
9. Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.
10. Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.
16 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Lists (+729), Redneck (+1459)
You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.
You prefer to cut the excess length oof your jeans rather that himming them.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You proposed in a Denny’s.
You pull one of your dogs loose teeth and keep it to have something to remember him by.
You pull out the generator when the power goes out to watch a NASCAR race!
You pull the legs off of flys then toss them into the air to see how long it takes them to “crash land”.
You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.
You pulling your push mower at the same time to get your yard mowed.
You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
You purposely feed the cockroaches.
You put a 5-dollar bill in a pop machine.
You put a Clapper on your headlights.
You put a corn cobb on a screwdriver and call it a back-scratcher
You put a sign up that says “Billy Bob & Sally wedding – ->” on a carboard sign in spray paint nailed to a tree.
You put mud grips on your new Cadillac.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
You quit your job because deer season’s fixin’ to start.
You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
You rake your carpet because the sweeper motor is being used for your truck.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
You recite lines from “The Dukes of Hazzard”.
You reckon the Internet is something you use when fishing.
You reckon the phrase “Chicken Out” means one of your pets has escaped.
You reckon watching wrestling is foreplay.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
You refer to deer hunting as a religion.
You refer to fifth grade as “My senior year”
You refer to the duct tape on your car as “chrome.”
You refer to the Surgeon General’s Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
You refer to Wal-Mart as going to the mall.
You refer to your beer gut as “the old tool shed.”
You refer to your cousin as “my girlfriend”.
You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.
You refer to your dog as your youngest.
You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
You refer to your wife and mother-in-law as “dual air bags.”
You refuse to shave or bathe until you’ve bagged your first deer of the season.
You refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your cigarettes.
You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that’s holding it together.
You regularly see kinfolks on “America’s Most Wanted.”
You remember phone numbers by writing them in the dust on your dashboard.
You removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.
You repaint your pink flamingo every spring but not your house.
You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.
You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.
You re-use dental floss to save money.
You ride a tractor with traninig wheals.
You rip a loud one and blame your date.
10 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Lists (+729), Redneck (+1459)
Hank Williams, Jr. is your hero.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
Higher math means counting over 10.
Hitchhikers won’t get in the car with you.
Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof.
Hot dogs and pork-n-beans are your favorite Sunday night dinner.
Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard’s feet, owl’s beaks and pig’s ears.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
In preparation for your upcoming wedding, your register your Tupperware pattern.
In the delivery room, your husband says, “That’s worse than skinning a deer!”
In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”
Instead of buying your girlfriend candy and flowers, you spray paint her name on an overpass.
Instead of flossing you use a plunger.
Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, “just in case”.
It doesn’t bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
It took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test.
It took you twenty years to figure out how to add single digit numbers.
It’s Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
It’s impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.
Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People”
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
Last year you hid yer kids’ Easter eggs under cow pies.
Mail pouch sends you Christmas cards.
Making beer is a neighborhood project.
Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
More “cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
No matter how you clean your hands, the dirt under your nails won’t come off.
Non-Athletic-Sport-Created-Around-Rednecks
None of these jokes are making sense to you.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
None of your zippers have all their teeth either.
Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers.
On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.
On cold nights, your dog sleeps on the bed and your wife doesn’t.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
On Sunday’s people stop by to ask you’re having a yard sale and you’re not.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
On the 4th of July you spend it at the waffle house beside a drunk while waiting to get your pastor out of jail
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
On your job application under “SEX” you put “As often as possible”.
One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.
16 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: America US (+264), Lists (+729)
Why is it that in America:
1. Why is it that you can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance?
2. Why is it that there are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink?
3. Why is it that drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
4. Why is it that people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke?
5. Why is it that banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters?
6. Why is it that we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?
7. Why is it that we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place?
8. Why is it that we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
9. Why is it that we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well? (After all, Poli’ in Latin means ‘many’ and ‘tics’ means ‘bloodsucking creatures’.)
10. Why is it that they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?
18 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Lists (+729)
1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
2. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.”
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
5. Hand me that… uh… that uh… that thingy there.
6. Oh no! Where’s my Rolex.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again?
9. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys? and this guy’s got two of ‘em.”
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing off my concentration.
12. What’s this doing here?
13. I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.
14. That’s cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
20. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
21. What do you mean “You want a divorce?!?”
22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
15 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Lists (+729)
1. “Isn’t there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?”
2. I’m searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel.”
3. “DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!”
4. “Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?”
5. “Thanks idiot…I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!”
6. “Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!”
7. “I’m at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter.”
8. “I’m trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!”
9. “See..I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that’s why I’m stealing the quarters in the fountain. I NEED HELP MAN!!!”
10. “Ummmm…I’m looking for beer money?”
13 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Lists (+729)
1. Well, how ’bout that?…I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
2. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
3. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.
4. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend…you might want to consider throwing a party.
6. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
7. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
8. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
9. Father’s Day? Aaahh-don’t worry about that-it’s no big deal.
17 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Lists (+729)
1. Contrary to what the lousy song says, Country Roads do NOT always take you home.
2. You dream of a life that will involve a paved road.
3. You grow tired of tourists stopping by, asking for directions to the state of “South Virginia”, and driving off in a fit of laughter.
4. You’re stuck with AM Radio…AM COUNTRY radio.
5. You’ve grown tired of seeing the group “Glass Tiger” at the local Acorn Festival each year.
6. The sheep won’t take your “abuse” anymore and they are planning a revolt.
7. Hayrides are still limited to just 10 mph.
8. The local theatre’s performance of “Les Miserables” left something, no A LOT, to be desired.
9. You’ve had it with those pesky revenuers destroying your stills of “shine”.
10. No matter how hard you try, your cows don’t appear receptive to chasing or catching that Frisbee.
36 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Lists (+729), Men vs. Women (+5688)
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you’d worked for, like “Heywood J’Blowme.”
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
20 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
|
