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Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
1. Considers reading “The Hardy Boys Mysteries” actually helpful reasearch. 2. He has a pet basset hound named “Flash” that acts as his trusty assistant. 3. His best disguise is wearing a hat. 4. Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time. 5. Won’t read any messages without his trusty decoder ring. 6. Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from “Murder She Wrote” when he thinks he’s caught the suspect. 7. Well, he’s blind.
Read all jokes from:Cat (+695), Lists (+730)
ME! Ailments? NEVER! Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats. COLLAPSIBLE LEGS Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime. SNUDGING Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call. BED-HOGGING Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time). NON SPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION) Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues). IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur. LAP FUNGUS DISORDER Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat’s life and there is no long-term cure. SMURGLING Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin. GREEBLINGZ Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. 5. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. 7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. 8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. 9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh;” it’s already too late. 12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes. 16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. 17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. 18. Duplos will not. 19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 20. Super glue is forever. 21. McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know. 22. Ditto Tarzan. 23. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. 24. Pool filters do not like Jello. 25. VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 28. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 30. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time. 32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. 33. It will however make cats dizzy. 34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 35. Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry. 36. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
1. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened. 2. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom. 3. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS. 4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 5. You start introducing yourself as “Jim at net dot com” 6. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV. 7. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. 8. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 9. All of your friends have an @ in their names. 10. When looking at a web page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. 11. Your dog has its own home page. 12. You can’t call your mother… She doesn’t have a modem. 13. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again. 14. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick. 15. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. 16. You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. 17. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months 18. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 19. You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” — even though you don’t have a job. 20. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 21. Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.” 22. You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher.” 23. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off. 24. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF. 25. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. 26. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. 27. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists. 2. You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned. 3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. 4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold. 6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. 7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. 8. Your income tax refund check bounces. 9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. 10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. 11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband. 12. You put both contacts into the same eye. 13. Your mother approves of the person you’re dating. 14. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate. 15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard. 16. Nothing you own is actually paid for. 17. Everyone loves your driver’s licence picture, but you think it looks awful. 18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker. 19. You invite the peeping Tom in… and he says no. 20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future. 21. People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25. 22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age. 23. You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch. 24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night…… and there aren’t any. 25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)
You bring your dog to work with you.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200), Lists (+730)
The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
1. Pluto’s “accident” on Deck 3 2. Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand. 3. Exterminator killed off “rat” problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie’s cousins. 4. Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier. 5. Charo kept showing up. 6. The Beast from “Beauty and the Beast” kept eating the midnight buffet. 7. The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the “You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride” Requirements. 8. Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmations was too strong. 9. Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs. 10. New hires Doc,Isaac,and Gopher quit days before launch,citing that this job is not as “exciting and new” as their last one.
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) 50 Miami residents turn on the heat 40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 35 Italian cars don’t start 32 Water freezes 30 You plan your vacation to Australia 25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South 15 French cars don’t start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 American cars don’t start 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts -10 German cars don’t start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don’t start -25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going -30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don’t start -40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South -50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window -80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
1. Broken Bag-O-Glass 2. Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit 3. Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook 4. Timothy McVays home Chemistry set 5. Switchblade Barney 6. Pork-n-Beany Babies 7. Make your own moonshine kit 8. Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
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