Read all jokes from:Lists (+730), Redneck (+1460)

You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You ever been rushed to the emergency room because you swallowed your redman.
You ever called your sister “Mom” and didn’t have to correct yourself.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You ever fly a kite with a fishing pole.
You ever get hot flashes at cattle auctions
You ever got too drunk to fish.
You ever had a riffle in your back at a wedding.
You ever had sex in a satellite dish.
You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You ever hit a deer with your car… on purpose!
You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
You ever listed fuzzy dice on an insurance claim.
You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
You ever named a child after a dog.
You ever say “oh yeah I can fix it”.
You ever shot a deer with a tater gun.
You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.
You ever told your Mom that she looks sexy in mini skirts.
You ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You ever used a weedeater indoors.
You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.
You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
You exclaim “Whoo, Doggy, tell ya what!!” when you see your coon hound have pups on your living room floor.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You fall in love with a girl and write “I Love You” using duck tape.
You fill up the bathtub just to test out a fishing lure.
You finally mow your front lawn and you find the pickup truck that you thought was stolen.
You find you’re wife’s beer belly a turn on.
You fish coins out of public fountains.
You fish in your above-ground pool and catch something.
You flick rubber bands at cock roaches.
You floss with barb wire.
You follow the tractor pull circuit.
You found a toy boat in your toilet when you were taking a bath and started playing with it.
You found your wife’s Christmas present along side the road.
You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.
You gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end”
You get a ticket cause you got a confederate flag as a front license plate.
You get drunk while mowing the grass.
You get kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.
You get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.
You get turned on when your wife/girlfriend shoots an armidillo.
You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
You get your 4-wheel drive stuck.
You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
You give Santa three pickled eggs and a cold one instead of cookies and milk.
You give Tic-Tacs out at Christmas instead of candy canes.
You give your best bud a carton of cigarrettes as a wedding gift.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won’t ask for them again.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You go coon hunting with a spot light instead of a dog.
You go fishing with a generator and a piece of copper wire
You go into an auto parts store and tell them you need a part for your Chevy and when they ask you make and model you answer, “They’re all the same.”
You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
You go to a bar to cheer on your mother in mud wrestling.
You go to a drive through the person at the window asks you to shut off your engine because it’s too loud.
You go to a drive through you have to open your door because your window hasn’t rolled down in 5 years.
You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.
You go to church and the preacher says “I like for Bubba to help me with the offering”, and 5 different boys stand up.
You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
You go to strip joints for family reunions.
You go to the bank for a loan and the loan officer asks to see the stock you have listed as collateral, so you bring in the three hogs you bought last month at the auction.
You go to the dentist for a “Tooth Cleaning”.
You go to the family reunion to meet women.
You go to the family reunion to pickup women.
You go to the post office to research your family tree.
You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
You go to your sister’s wedding so you can kiss the bride
You go up a water tower with a can of paint to protect your sister.
You got Clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.
You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.
You got more antennas on your truck than the local TV station.
You got stopped by a state trooper; he asked you had an I.D. And you said, “Bout What?’
You got your pickup truck from a lake.
You got your tater gun hangin’ over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
You grandmother spits farther than you.
You grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard.
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
You had a receding hairline in the 6th grade.
You had to buy an 18-Wheeler for family vacations.
You had to call the police department to get your flare gun back.
You had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
You had your own parking space in Jr High.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.
You haul more than U-Haul.
You have 10 cars in your front yard and only once of them isn’t on blocks and the engine works.
You have 20 cars that don’t work and a mobile home
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
You have 500 men working under you and you cut grass at the cemetery.
You have a “church” cap.
You have a beer cooler on your riding lawn mower.
You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
You have a bumper sticker that says, “Kiss the crack below my back.”
You have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.
You have a bumper sticker that says, “MY MOTHER’S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH.”
You have a bunch of pink flamingos on your trailer that you don’t play with and you got them from the 1.99 store
You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack.
You have a claw-foot bathtub.
You have a close relative named “Cletus”.
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.
You have a Confederate flag for bed sheets.
You have a cow tied to the front bumper of your broken down Chevy truck as a pet.
You have a grave in your yard.
You have a gun rack on the back of your bicycle.
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
You have a house that’s mobile and 16 cars that aren’t.
You have a lucky rabbit’s foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.
You have a motor swinging from a tree in your yard, a dog tied to the fence post, and someone sitting in a rocking chair that’s over 75 and has a Remington 12 gauge, a spit cup, and Copenhagen in the back pocket.
You have a pallet in your yard with tires stacked on it.
You have a peeing contest with your wife and she wins.
You have a personal account of a UFO sighting.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You have a piece of cardboard that says “No Trespassing” beside your front door.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have a rebel flag displayed on your truck.
You have a Rebel flag in your front yard!
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.
You have a sign hanging in your living room that says, “We interrupt this marriage to bring you deer season”
You have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.
You have a tattoo that says “I Love My Mommy” and mommy is spelled wrong.
You have a tennis ball on your antenna.
You have a transmission in your bathtub.
You have a trophy from a tractor pull.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You have a working television on top of a broken one.
You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.
You have all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes on tape.
You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
You have an air-conditioner on your front porch.
You have an aunt-mom and uncle dad.
You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
You have at least five hunting dogs in your bed at night.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You have beer cans all over your yard.
You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
You have ever asked your dad for the keys to his Mack.
You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
You have ever been asked to leave a yard sale
You have ever been evicted from a place you own.
You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.
You have ever been shot at by the law.
You have ever been to drunk to walk, and drove home.
You have ever been too drunk to fish.
You have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.
You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken.
You have ever decorated a birthday cake with a caulk gun.
You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
You have ever financed a tattoo
You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
You have ever had to gift-wrap a tire.
You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.
You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
You have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
You have ever mowed the grass and found a car.
You have ever opened a beer bottle with your truck door.
You have ever peed in the sink cuz your mom was hogging up the outhouse.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You have ever spelled some thing wrong you wrote out in Christmas lights.
You have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
You have ever surrendered to the police in exchange for ciggaretes.
You have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
You have ever used a turkey baster bulb to get something out of your ear.
You have ever used lard in bed.
You have ever used spit tobacco as a fish attractant.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You have got more bumper stickers than children.
You have gotten a warning to remove vehicles from your own back yard.
You have grease under your toenails.
You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.
You have more belt-buckles than pants.
You have more deer heads on your wall than family portraits.
You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
You have more guns than teeth
You have more hair than your dog does.
You have more insurance on your hunting dog than you do on your house.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
You have more than 3 family members by the name of Billy Bob.
You have more than 4 vehicles up on blocks in your yard.
You have more than 5 fast food bags in your car.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house… not including 22 caliber.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You have more things with Hank Williams Jr.’s name on them than your own.
You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.
You have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.
You have no idea who the President is but you can name five NASCAR drivers in a single belch.
You have orange road cones in your living room.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
You have scars on the back of your hand where Uncle Jeb stabbed you while you were reaching for the last piece of fried chicken.
You have sex ed and drivers ed in the same car.
You have sheep in your backyard because they never, ever tell.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You have spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
You have stuffed heads from the following: deer, a moose, a mallard, a Siamese cat, a largemouth bass, and your mother-in-law.
You have sworn on your mother’s grave while she is standing beside you.
You have the bail bondsman on speed dial.
You have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.
You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.
You have the same meal for a week straight.
You have three first names.
You have three kids named: Peggy Sue, Peggy Jean, & Billy Bob.
You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.
You have to camofladge your best crops when a helicopter flies over.
You have to change gears in your pickup by opening the hood and moving the gear arm, then jump back in before the truck drives off without you.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.
You have to climb the town’s water tower to save your sister’s honor.
You have to dress up the kids to go to Kmart.
You have to duct tape your gloves on.
You have to fill your toilet up with lake water to use the bathroom.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
You have to keep a stepladder handy to open your truck door for your girlfriend.
You have to mow around a refrigerator and a bed frame.
You have to mow the hoods of your cars.

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New computer viruses you should know about!

AT&T VIRUS – Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS – Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS – This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack – once if by LAN, twice if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS – Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS – Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS – Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS – Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS – Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS – Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS – Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 – The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 – Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

PBS VIRUS – Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

SEARS VIRUS – Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS – Sings you a song (slightly off- key) on boot- up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS – Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS – Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

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1. “This is my tryout for Nascar.”

2. “I’ve got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing.”

3. “That McDonald’s offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!”

4. “I’m trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV.”

5. “Cause those Gorditas rule.”

6. “Uh-Oh..Wapner’s on…I’m an excellent driver.”

7. “Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go.”

8. “Umm..I’m drunk?”

9. “Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette “Uninvited” song!”

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Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.

Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”

Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets…dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. I wonder if this is where we get the saying “Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite.”

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying “dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a “thresh hold.”

They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn’t get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man “could really bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes… for 400 years.

Most people didn’t have pewter plates, but had trenchers – a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get “trench mouth.”

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”

England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the “graveyard shift” they would know that someone was “saved by the bell” or was a “dead ringer.”

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Favourite London signs

“DUE TO PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS, WE ARE ASKING ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THIS CEMETERY TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER”
(cemetery)

“THE BARGAIN BASEMENT IS UPSTAIRS”
(department store)

“‘BORDELLO’ IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT IN LONDON. EVERYONE WELCOME”
(restaurant)

“MACHINES ARE AUTOMATIC, SO REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES GREEN”
(launderette)

“WE REPAIR EVERYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD AS THE BELL DOESN’T WORK
(repair shop door)

“WHOEVER TOOK THE LADDER YESTERDAY BRING IT BACK AT ONCE OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN”
(office)

“MUMS, WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE YOU EAT”
(German restaurant)

“WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING (BIKES, HI-FI ETC). SO WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A SPECIAL BARGAIN?”
(second-hand shop)

“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW”
(toilet)

“QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS SIGN WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE MAYOR”
(beach)

“PLEASE DON’T SMOKE NEAR THE PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MIGHT NOT BE WORTH ANYTHING, BUT OUR PETROL IS”
(petrol station)

“AFTER USE, EMPLOYEES MUST EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD”
(office)

“ANYONE LEAVING THEIR CLOTHES HERE FOR MORE THAN 21 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF”
(dry cleaners)

“CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS”
(health food shop)

“MANURE. 50p PER PRE-PACKED SACK”
(20p DO-IT-YOURSELF) (farm)

“ELEPHANTS PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR”
(safari park)

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12 – Step Internet Recovery Program:

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet – deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

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Favourite London signs

“DUE TO PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS, WE ARE ASKING ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THIS CEMETERY TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER”
(cemetery)

“THE BARGAIN BASEMENT IS UPSTAIRS”
(department store)

“‘BORDELLO’ IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT IN LONDON. EVERYONE WELCOME”
(restaurant)

“MACHINES ARE AUTOMATIC, SO REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES GREEN”
(launderette)

“WE REPAIR EVERYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD AS THE BELL DOESN’T WORK
(repair shop door)

“WHOEVER TOOK THE LADDER YESTERDAY BRING IT BACK AT ONCE OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN”
(office)

“MUMS, WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE YOU EAT”
(German restaurant)

“WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING (BIKES, HI-FI ETC). SO WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A SPECIAL BARGAIN?”
(second-hand shop)

“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW”
(toilet)

“QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS SIGN WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE MAYOR”
(beach)

“PLEASE DON’T SMOKE NEAR THE PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MIGHT NOT BE WORTH ANYTHING, BUT OUR PETROL IS”
(petrol station)

“AFTER USE, EMPLOYEES MUST EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD”
(office)

“ANYONE LEAVING THEIR CLOTHES HERE FOR MORE THAN 21 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF”
(dry cleaners)

“CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS”
(health food shop)

“MANURE. 50p PER PRE-PACKED SACK”
(20p DO-IT-YOURSELF) (farm)

“ELEPHANTS PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR”
(safari park)

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You Know You’re In Trouble When…

A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
The little league puts you on waivers.
The moths in your money belt starve to death.
The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
You take an assertiveness training course and you’re afraid to tell your wife.
Your accountant’s letter of resignation is postmarked “Zurich”.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
Your wife starts charging you rent.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an arc.
They pay your wages out of petty cash.
You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.

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The following is a “history” collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interes in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

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