Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. Here honey, you use the remote.
2. You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!
4. While I’m up, can I get you anything?
5. Honey since we don’t have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
6. Why don’t you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
7. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let’s watch Melrose Place.
8. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
9. We never talk anymore
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)
“Buck Naked Line Dancing” isn’t a videotape, it’s “Ladies Night” at the local bar.
“Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?” is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
“You’ve ever used a pork product to assemble a bicycle.”
A ceiling fan has ever ruined your hairdo.
A family feud arises Sunday morning between family members who want to watch Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch WWF.
A fancy night out for your family is a jaunt through the drive thru window at Hardee’s.
A full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
A museum curator tries to buy 7 of the vehicles on blocks in your yard.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, “About what?”
A seven-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
A sign on the street says no crackin’ and that reminds you to pull up your pants!!
A tornado goes through your trailer’s yard and makes it look neater.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
A woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.
About is you can loose them or not.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
After the divorce you still call your Ex “Cuz”.
All of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.
All of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
All you want for Christmas is deer pee.
All your golf balls come in egg cartons.
Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
Anesthesiologist in bib overalls feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar.
Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
Any of your children were conceived under a stoplight.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.
Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.
Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
Anyone in your family died right after saying “Hey, Y’all watch this!”.
Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
Are missing a lot of teeth.
At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
At some point in your life You’ve been too drunk to fish.
Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.
Bikers back down from your momma.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Both your house and car are on blocks.
Breakfast consists of boiled eggs, can of Beenie Weenies, a couple saltine crackers and a 6 pack of Budweiser, because you like the smell it creates after completing the digestive cycle.
Burger King won’t let you do it your way, right away.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+730)
1. Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
2. Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
3. Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
4. Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?
5. Do you think it’s cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?
6. Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
7. Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
8. Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
9. Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your spoon?
10. Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
11. Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
12. Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
13. Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
14. Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
15. Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
16. Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
17. Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
18. Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa’s lap? Does your cat sign the card?
19. Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
20. Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
21. Do you microwave your cat’s food? Prepare it from scratch?
22. Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or foot board, so you won’t disturb the sleeping cat?
23. When you are preparing to leave for the day, do you seek out each cat and inform them of your anticipated return time?
24. Do you sleep with no pillow under your head, because the cat wants to sleep on it?
25. Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?
26. Do you you make sure there’s plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may run out of toilet paper?
27. At the store, do you pick out the cat food before you pick out anything for yourself?
28. Do you go to sleep sitting up in bed because you were reading and the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?
29. Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you’re reading?
30. Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into one of them and is asleep in one of the drawers?
31. Is the only comb you can find in the bathroom a flea comb?
32. Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
33. Does your cat “insist” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
34. Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet’s pictures in their wallets, by the way)
35. When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?
36. Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
37. When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?
38. Do you keep old, empty pizza boxes on the counter instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in it?
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
Favourite London signs
“DUE TO PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS, WE ARE ASKING ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THIS CEMETERY TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER”
(cemetery)
“THE BARGAIN BASEMENT IS UPSTAIRS”
(department store)
“‘BORDELLO’ IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT IN LONDON. EVERYONE WELCOME”
(restaurant)
“MACHINES ARE AUTOMATIC, SO REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES GREEN”
(launderette)
“WE REPAIR EVERYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD AS THE BELL DOESN’T WORK
(repair shop door)
“WHOEVER TOOK THE LADDER YESTERDAY BRING IT BACK AT ONCE OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN”
(office)
“MUMS, WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE YOU EAT”
(German restaurant)
“WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING (BIKES, HI-FI ETC). SO WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A SPECIAL BARGAIN?”
(second-hand shop)
“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW”
(toilet)
“QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS SIGN WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE MAYOR”
(beach)
“PLEASE DON’T SMOKE NEAR THE PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MIGHT NOT BE WORTH ANYTHING, BUT OUR PETROL IS”
(petrol station)
“AFTER USE, EMPLOYEES MUST EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD”
(office)
“ANYONE LEAVING THEIR CLOTHES HERE FOR MORE THAN 21 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF”
(dry cleaners)
“CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS”
(health food shop)
“MANURE. 50p PER PRE-PACKED SACK”
(20p DO-IT-YOURSELF) (farm)
“ELEPHANTS PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR”
(safari park)
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. Well, how ’bout that?…I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
2. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
3. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.
4. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend…you might want to consider throwing a party.
6. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
7. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
8. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
9. Father’s Day? Aaahh-don’t worry about that-it’s no big deal.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Technology (+1819)
I’m sure you’ve heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whther you think the glass is half – empty or half – full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Apple Computer: You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.
Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.
Basic programmers: No thanks; I’m still breast feeding.
Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.
C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.
CIA: What makes you think that’s milk?
National news media: Hey, we wanted OJ!
Non – procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.
NSA: We know what it really is.
Paranoid: Here is a glass just sitting here. Why? Who put it here? WHY WHY WHY!!! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!
Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?
Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999… but don’t hold me to that.
Prolog programmers: I know I drank it – just don’t ask me how.
Copy protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn’t pay for it!
Faith – healer: If we worship it, it will feel better.
Feminist: How come HIS glass is bigger than MINE?
Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow’s contribution to all mankind!
Futurist: The milk’s in the wrong half of the glass.
Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.
IBM: Rent the glass from us and we’ll fill it with something we know is good for you.
Idealist: In a decent world, this glass would be filled to the brim and big enough for everyone to enjoy.
IRS: Thanks for getting your milk witholding correct this year.
Mac users: Where’s my pump?
MIS: I’LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.
Schroedinger: That stupid cat got into the milk again!
Security consultant: Where’d the rest of the milk go?
Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
UI designers: What’s that crap in my glass?
UNIX users: Nahh… too easy.
Windows users: Where’s my straw?
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
You snicker uncontrollably all through “Darby O’Gill And The Little People.”
Their record collection is stocked only with very short artists Paula Abdul, Sheena Easton, Prince, Phil Collins.
You get jumpy every time friends ask you if you can cover them for lunch.
When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr, there’s me pot o’ gold!)
In your cupboard nothing but Lucky Charms cereal.
Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and bury it somewhere.
You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the embarrassment of all your friends.
You’ve been under a rock for the past few years.
You just despise fairies. (“Wing Envy” if you ask me!)
You try to pick up women by saying “Ah, lassie, you have dazzling kneecaps, you do.”
When drunk, you discourse endlessly on shoes, and annoy folks by saying things like “How can ye not know what a grommet is, lad? You’re wearing several on yer feet! What are ye, dumb?”
Around St. Patrick’s Day, you stock up on Shamrock Shakes at McDonald’s.
When you say something is “magically delicious,” it really is.
And the number one way you can tell you might be a Leprechaun:
You’re three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green a lot!
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+730)
1. As if! Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
2. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
3. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
4. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
5. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
6. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching “The X- Files”.
7. Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
8. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human’s earrings are not cat toys.
9. If I play ‘dead cat on the stairs’ while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
10. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
11. The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
12. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
13. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
14. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
15. The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.
16. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
17. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
18. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
19. I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my parts grow back.
20. If I must give a present to my humans’s overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn’t as tasty.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+730), Men vs. Women (+5688)
1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.
2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.
3. You can put a bell around a cat’s neck so you know exactly where she is.
4. If you stroke a cat she won’t leap on you for sex.
5. You don’t mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.
6. When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn’t wake you up by smashing into the furniture.
7. Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video.
8. Cats don’t care what size your boobs are.
9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.
10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs however much cellulite you have.
11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.
12. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy her.
13. It’s okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
14. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.
15. You never have to spend time with your cat’s mother.
16. Better chance of training a cat.
17. Cats are cute.
18. A cat is never late for dinner.
19. Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!
20. You’ll never get a call from you cat’s ex-wife.
21. A cat would never leave you for a younger women.
22. Cats treat your mom with respect.
23. Cats don’t worry about hair loss.
24. I feels nice to stroke a cats soft, fluffy fur.
25. A cat’s friend is less likely to be annoying.
26. Cats can’t show love without meaning it.
27. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 40p
28. Cats actually think with their heads.
29. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.
30. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.
31. Cats comfort you when you are sick.
32. When a cat sleeps all day it’s natural, not annoying.
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Lists (+730)
Why Dogs are Better than Women:
Dogs don’t cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late, and the later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs don’t care if you play with other dogs.
Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good- looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
Dogs don’t shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog’s parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don’t worry about germs.
Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than lobster.
You never have to wait for a dog.
They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot- rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
Dogs can’t talk.
Dogs aren’t catty.
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