Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Women (+407)
Maternity leave would last two years… with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.
Women would rule the world.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
2. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
3. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
4. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
5. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
6. He’s fascinated by the details of you home security system.
7. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
8. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
9. Turns a goat loose and says he’ll be back in three weeks.
10. No toes.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock ‘n’ roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is. So if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, okay?
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.
2. To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald’s manager uses daily.
3. No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.
4. After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.
5. So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.
6. Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.
7. Easier to run escort service out of home when they’re not around.
8. To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!
9. To learn the fine art of seducing older, more powerful male role models in order to get what you want or to fly on Air Force One (M.Lewinsky only!).
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Lists (+730), Men vs. Women (+5688)
* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
* Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
* Dogs look at your eyes.
* Dogs aren’t threatened by a woman with short hair.
* Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.
* Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.
* Dogs understand what “no” means.
* Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with.
* Dogs do not play games with you – except fetch and they never laugh at how you throw.
* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.
* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
* Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.
* Dogs don’t mind if you do all the driving.
* Dogs don’t step on the imaginary brake.
* Dogs admit it when they’re lost.
* Dogs don’t weigh down your purse with their stuff.
* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
* Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
* You can train a dog.
* You can force a dog to take a bath.
* Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
* Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous.
* The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gave it to you.)
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)
Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.
Your last keg party included a couple of 911 calls.
Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
Your lawn furniture was in your house last summer.
Your lawn mower gets better millage than your car.
Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife’s car, but no blade.
Your lawn mower is a goat.
Your lawn tractor has a better paint job than your car.
Your life savings is buried in your back yard.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your lips move while reading a stop sign.
Your living room furniture doubles as your camping gear.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
Your local funeral home has a drive-thru.
Your local grocery store also has a few pool tables.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called “Cow of the Week.”
Your local yellow pages have only 3 sections: places to get cigarettes, place to get liquor, and places to get bait.
Your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
Your mailing address includes the word “holler.”
Your mama can back down a biker.
Your Mama has failed the 3rd. grade five times.
Your mama has more gadgets and accessories on her pickup truck than you do.
Your mama has more tattoos than you do.
Your mama keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your mama saves aluminum foil.
Your mama spends more money fixing up her old trailer house than it cost to build a new brick home.
Your Mama yells, “Close the screen door boy, you’re letting all the bugs out!”
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your master bathroom has the words “porta” and “potty” written on the side.
Your mechanic looks under the front of your car or truck and asks you work for the Roadkill Cafe.
Your mom french kisses better than your sister.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.
Your mom is your sister, aunt and your dad’s mother.
Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say you’ve met your future wife.
Your mom’s maiden name is Bubba.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire… on her house
Your momma doesn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.
Your momma doesn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
Your Momma knows how to make Roadkill stew.
Your momma makes two turkeys for Thanksgiving, one for the family and the other for the dogs.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
2. Teeth removing Taffy
3. Metamucil in a straw
4. Ex-Lax Brownies
5. Caramel Covered Zucchini
6. Colored Crisco on a Stick
7. Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
8. Chocolate Covered Prunes
9. A Handful of Red Man
10. Anything that ticks!
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
2. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.”
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
5. Hand me that… uh… that uh… that thingy there.
6. Oh no! Where’s my Rolex.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again?
9. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys? and this guy’s got two of ‘em.”
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing off my concentration.
12. What’s this doing here?
13. I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.
14. That’s cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
20. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
21. What do you mean “You want a divorce?!?”
22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Lists (+730), Religious (+827)
* Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are they thinking?
* Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
* Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
* Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
* Dear God, When my foster Mom’s friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What’s he been rolling around in?
* Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have onramps?
* Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
* Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
* Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energyfields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
* Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
* Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
* Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I’ve been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?
* Dear God, I’ve always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don’t. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self- esteem.
* Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me ‘cuz they think I’m jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I’m innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors?
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
2. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
3. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
4. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
5. The homeless are invisible.
6. The subway makes sense.
7. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
8. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
9. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
10. You’ve considered stabbing someone just for saying “The Big Apple”.
11. Your door has more than three locks.
12. You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.
13. Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
14. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
15. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
16. You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a yard.
17. You complain about having to mow it.
18. You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
19. You consider Westchester “Upstate”.
20. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.
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