Read all jokes from: Lists (+729)
1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan
2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior
4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O’Hare
5. Walden as read by James Watt
6. The Anarchist’s Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti
10. Mr. Boston’s Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy
11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms
12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson
13. The Physician’s Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman
15. Uncle Tom’s Cabin as read by George Wallace
17. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
18. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner
19. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson
20. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton
21. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
22. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter
23. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern
24. I’m Ok You’re Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
25. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett
26. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain
27. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon
28. Moby Dick as read by Jonah
29. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf
30. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown
31. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
32. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+729), Policemen (+247)
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+729)
Miaow – Feed me.
Meeow – Pet me.
Mrooww – I love you.
Miioo- oo- oo – I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don’t wait up.
Mrow – I feel like making noise.
Rrrow- mawww – Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.
Rrrow- miawww – I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
Miaowmiaow – Play with me.
Miaowmioaw – Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
Mioawmioaw – Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
Raowwwww – I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
Mrowwwww – (only heard in males) I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
Roww- maww- roww – I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
Mmeww – I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.
Gakk- ak- ak – My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
Mow – Snuggling is a good idea.
Moww – Shedding is pretty good, too.
Mowww! – I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
Miaow! miaow! – I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
Mraakk! – Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
Ssssroww! – I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act terribly brave.
Mmmmmmm – If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall be satisfied.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+729), Technology (+1819)
* You never have to use the space – bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch – high letters.
High – tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful text – bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS” (see “Fortress”).
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot – matrix printer.
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see “Demolition Man” and countless others).
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high – tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality – defying three – dimensional, active animation, photo – realistic graphics capability.
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real – time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see “Alien”, “2001″).
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+729)
1. A freezer for Eskimos.
2. AC adapter for solar calculators.
3. Air-Bag Motorcycle jacket.
4. Anklet wristwatches for contortionists.
5. Avalanche prevention goggles.
6. Battery powered battery charger.
7. Battery-operated nuclear power plants.
8. Blinker Fluid.
9. Brake oil.
10. Breathable space suit.
11. Brown undershorts.
12. Cabin pressurization system for the Cessna 150.
13. Caffeine-free Diet Coke.
14. Candy bars with stannous fluoride added.
15. Car steering triangles – doubles as anti-theft device.
16. Cast iron wire.
17. Cat flap for the fridge.
18. Checkered paint.
19. Combs for bald-heads.
20. Cordless plumb line.
21. Dehydrated water.
22. Diet celery.
23. Digital clock-winder.
24. Digital computer.
25. Double-sided playing cards.
26. Downhill stairmaster.
27. Ejector seats for helicopters.
28. Electric banana straightener.
29. Electric dog polisher.
30. Extra-large bicycle clips, for use when cycling in shorts.
31. Fat-free Twinkies.
32. Felt Jumper cables.
33. Fine glass-crystal castanets.
34. Fireproof cigarettes.
35. Fireproof kindling.
36. Fireproof matches.
37. Flame-retardant gasoline.
38. Flashbulb tester.
39. Flavored suppositories.
40. Foam rubber toothpicks.
41. Freeze Dried Water.
42. Frictionless Sandpaper.
43. Fur sink.
44. Hand-powered chainsaw.
45. Ice skate sandals, for use in hot climates.
46. Inflatable anchor.
47. Inflatable dart board.
48. Inflatable PC – The Ultimate Laptop!
49. Kickstand for a tank.
50. Laundromat in a nudist colony.
51. Leather cutlery.
52. Lie detectors for politicians.
53. Low salt brine.
54. Low-calorie PowerBar.
55. Luminous sun-dial, for use at night.
56. Matte finish floor wax.
57. Mesh raincoat.
58. Money with negative face value.
59. Motorcycle seat-belts.
60. Muffler Bearings.
61. Non-intrusive alarm clock (raises a flag instead of ringing a bell).
62. Non-stick Cellotape.
63. Open-toed Safety Shoes.
64. Papier mache step ladder.
65. Parachute that opens automatically, upon impact.
66. Particle board tent stakes.
67. Reduced calorie water.
68. Remote control for a computer.
69. Remote control for a Watchman.
70. Reversible garbage disposal.
71. Rubber Kleenex.
72. Screen door on a submarine.
73. Second-hand fireworks.
74. Self-stick frying pan.
75. Soap-Dissolver.
76. Solar powered flashlight.
77. Solar-powered night light.
78. Solar-powered pacemakers for elderly sunbathers.
79. Steel-belted radial rubber bands.
80. Strap-on portable chairs.
81. Sugar-coated insulin.
82. Sundial with glow in the dark markings.
83. Tire chains for motorcycles.
84. Trailer hitch for the Honda CVCC.
85. Training wheels for timid sports car drivers.
86. Umbrella with a skylight.
87. Unsinkable submarine.
88. Waterproof sponge.
89. Waterproof teabags.
90. Waterproof toilet paper.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+729)
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you’d imagine would remain in him or her.
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR’s do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+729), Redneck (+1459)
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
You think people who have elictricty are uppity.
You think Possum is “The Other White Meat”
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.
You think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.
You think ribs come from Europe.
You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
You think safe sex is having a pad in the headboard of your bed.
You think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.
You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think suspenders are a type of shirt.
You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You think Tang is in the fruit group.
You think that “G.E.D.” stands for “Good Enough Degree”
You think that “HANK” of “Huntin with Hank” is a real fine actor
You think that “loaden up the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
You think that “Winnie-the-Pooh” is something your Granny just left on the rug.
You think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal.
You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think that duct tape works better than spot welding.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouerve.
You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
You think that the apple com-pu-ter is the latest in new fangled tech-o-nol-o-gee.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You think the “Nutcracker” is something you do on the diving board.
You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.
You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and your mother.
You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave ‘em in the shade.
You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.
You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
You think the first four words of the national anthem are, “”Gentlemen start your engines”.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+729)
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside
force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to
change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion
to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in
which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top
that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum
amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will,
therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and
take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot
in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible
nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the
amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section
of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount
of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human
expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti- Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+729)
1. “This is my tryout for Nascar.”
2. “I’ve got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing.”
3. “That McDonald’s offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!”
4. “I’m trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV.”
5. “Cause those Gorditas rule.”
6. “Uh-Oh..Wapner’s on…I’m an excellent driver.”
7. “Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go.”
8. “Umm..I’m drunk?”
9. “Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette “Uninvited” song!”
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+729)
1. What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
4. And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!
5. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
6. Is that phone for me? Tell ‘em I’m not here.
7. I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
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