Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.
20. If everyone in a team dies, it’s the last man’s job to win the fight against his enemy.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. ValueJet: When you just can’t wait for the world to come to you.
2. ValueJet: We’re Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don’t worry. We’ll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. You think it’s so easy, get your own plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.
15. ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19. Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.
20. ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You have ever spelled some thing wrong you wrote out in Christmas lights.
You have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
You have ever surrendered to the police in exchange for ciggaretes.
You have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
You have ever used a turkey baster bulb to get something out of your ear.
You have ever used lard in bed.
You have ever used spit tobacco as a fish attractant.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You have got more bumper stickers than children.
You have gotten a warning to remove vehicles from your own back yard.
You have grease under your toenails.
You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.
You have more belt-buckles than pants.
You have more deer heads on your wall than family portraits.
You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
You have more guns than teeth
You have more hair than your dog does.
You have more insurance on your hunting dog than you do on your house.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
You have more than 3 family members by the name of Billy Bob.
You have more than 4 vehicles up on blocks in your yard.
You have more than 5 fast food bags in your car.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house… not including 22 caliber.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You have more things with Hank Williams Jr.’s name on them than your own.
You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.
You have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.
You have no idea who the President is but you can name five NASCAR drivers in a single belch.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)
You bring your dog to work with you.
You bum a dip from your mother.
You bum a pinch of chew from your girlfriend.
You bum a smoke from your third grade kid.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You burn your lawn instead of mowing it.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You buy a padded headboard to practice safe sex.
You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
You buy something you already have.
You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your “stuff” (cars, trucks building materials).
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
You buy your china as a grocery store special every week.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You buy your wife camouflage lingerie.
You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.
You call a chicken a yard bird.
You call fast food hitting a deer at 60mph.
You call toilet paper a leaf and a toilet a bucket.
You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
You call your boss “dude”.
You call your wife “ma” and want her to call you “pa.”
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You can belch and say your name at the same time.
You can burp and say your name at the same time, you’re shur’nuff a redneck.
You can burp the entire chorus of “Jingle Bells”.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You can chew your own toenails.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok… without using the word “chicken”.
You can eat an ear of corn and spell “Home Sweet Home” on it.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald’s Extra Value Meal.
You can French kiss with a toothpick in your mouth.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You can give a summary of all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes.
You can grunt like a deer and you are proud of it.
You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC’s.
You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.
You can name all the characters from the “Dukes of Hazzard”.
You can recite your vowels in one burp.
You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can’t remember how old your children are.
You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can’t remember your wife’s birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.
You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
You can see all your family members when you’re in your own bed.
You can smash a beer can on your imaginary friend’s forehead, and it works.
You can spit tobacco juice through the holes in your truck’s floorboard.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
A Wookie told you to shave.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
At least one section of your X-Wing is bondo colored.
At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
If you ever said the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
If you hear… “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle… “
In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow “just ain’t right.”
Parts of a TIE fighter you blew up hang as a trophy in your living room.
People mistake your house for a jawa used droids and speeder parts dealership.
That “disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans.
The cake at your wedding was sliced with a light saber.
The Force isn’t the only thing that runs in your family.
The inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can’t find it.
The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light… and they didn’t have it.
The smell of ham or bacon reminds you of Jabba’s Gamorean guards.
The worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is “them dadgum skeeters.”
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
There is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.
When storm kills power yer lightsaber illuminates your house until you gouge Bubba’s eye out.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You actually enjoyed seeing the Princess Naboo get kicked off her throne and let a man rule the world. (from Josh083170)
You beat the Gammorean Guard in an “ugly” contest.
You bought hanging air fresheners for your friend’s X-Wing at Christmas time.
You brand cattle with a lightsaber. (from Tweetheart86chic)
You call Hank Williams Jr. “master”.
You call the Emporer “That old ugly dude in the house coat.”
You call Yoda your Li’l green buddy.
You call your young apprentice, “Juner.(JR.)”
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
You can’t describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.
You constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs.
You count B.O. as a Jedi power.
You describe the taste of an Ewok as “jus’ like chicken.”
You didn’t read the whole Jedi manual because there were no pictures.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
You ever uttered the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
You feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
You fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
You got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You have a gun cabinet just for lightsabers.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire “them damn Yankees.”
You have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin’ at your sister.
You have ever gone deer huntin’ with a lightsaber.
You have ever had a B-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You have ever had your R2 unit use its arc-welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingie to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
You have ever said, “Anger… Fear… Aggression… Yankees… the dark side are they.”
You have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.
You have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.
You have ever used a lightsabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
You have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder.
You have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans up.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with bowling or a spitting contest.
You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
You have fish innards all over your lightsabor.
You have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing.
You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
You have the words “Foxy Lady” or a playboy bunny painted on your land speeder.
You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
You inherited a styrofoam cooler and a tackle box with your light saber.
You jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.
You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.
You meditate to old CCR records.
You own a pink flamingo with blaster holes in it.
You put your lightsaber down your pants and brag about your big dick.
You say “these are not the beers you are looking for.”
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You think that Jabba the Hutt really knows how to pick up good looking chicks.
You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
You think the Death Star is in the outhouse.
You trim your beard and find a Mylock.
You use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
You use Jawas for a drink holders.
You use the “O” on stop signs to sight in your new blaster.
You use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your V.D.
You use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer.
You use your lightsabor as a bug zapper.
You use your lightsabor as a flare and you hear Ma say from the back porch, “Billy Bob, you get your ass in here rite now you’re gunna put Bubba’s other eye out!”
You use your lightsabor to open the door on your chevy pickup.
You were buried with your lightsabor.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
You wished that Admiral Ackbar was swimming in the pond on your farm back home.
You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
You wore burlap even before you started your Jedi training.
You’re flying a ship that has no original parts.
You’ve asked an Ewok to help you go coon hunting.
You’ve ever given someone a wedgie by using the force.
You’ve ever looked at your sister, thought she was one hot babe, and kissed her.
You’ve ever taken a telephone pole down to test a lightsaber.
You’ve ever tested your lightsaber on your little brother “tell me if this hurts”.
You’ve ever used a lightsaber to save yourself from a hellashus impact.
You’ve got a stuffed womp rat from Begger’s Canyon on your mantle.
You’ve moved from planet to planet to avoid Imperial storm troopers.
You’ve used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon.
Your beer belly puts Jabba the Hutt to shame.
Your best practical joke was sticking a banana in Boba Fett’s tail pipe.
Your blind date was arranged through an invitation written on a cantina napkin.
Your father finally agrees to take you deer hunting and he hands you a lightsaber and says, “May the force be with you.”
Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side… it’ll be a hoot.”
Your father’s name is Garth Vader.
Your favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters.
Your favorite meals on Dagoba incorporate native snakes.
Your initiation into the Rebellion required parallel parking the Millenium Falcon.
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
Your landspeeder has a gun rack.
Your lightsaber came with a “money back guarantee”.
Your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
Your lightsaber is equiped with a “kick start”.
Your lightsaber is the best lawnmower blade you’ve ever had.
Your master ever said “My finger you will pull..hmmm?”
Your plan to destroy the Death Star included two M-80s and a half-gallon of granny’s moonshine.
Your priest carries a lightsaber in his boot for emergencies.
Your robes have the Golden Flour label on them.
Your X-Wing has a still in it.
You’ve had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. A few crumbs short of a crouton.
2. A few clowns short of a circus.
3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
5. A few beers short of a six-pack.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
9. One taco short of a combination plate.
10. A few feathers short of a whole duck
11. All foam, no beer.
12. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
13. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instruc- tions on the heel.
14. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
15. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
16. As smart as bait.
17. Chimney’s clogged.
18. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
19. Elevator doesn’t go all th eway to the top floor.
20. Forgot to pay her brain bill.
21. Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
22. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
23. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
24. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
25. Has the intelligence of a Carrot.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+730)
Is your devotion to your cat and “cat things” in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless “cat- a- holic?” Let’s just see how you rate as a “cat person,” shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST “yes” answer to:
* Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats?
* Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat’s name by mistake?
* Do you think of your cats as the “furry kids?”
* Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litter box?
* Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein?
* Last Christmas did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for The kids or grandkids?
* Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don’t own any cats?
* Does your wallet contain more photos of your cats than your kids or grandkids?
* Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won’t disturb the cat who’s sleeping in the very middle?
* Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine?
* Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips?
* Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message?
* When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as “using the litter box”?
* Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty?
* Do you know your cat’s birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate?
* When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, “OK, it’s me or the cat,” you don’t hesitate for even one second.
* Do your neighbors talk about you as “the nut with all the cats?”
Cat-person Profile Quiz Score
How many did you answer “yes” to? I think just answering one with a “yes” is enough to qualify you as a “Cat Person.” But the number of yes answers determines the degree:
Your “Cat-ability” Score:
* 1 to 4 yes answers: In training – you could do better, but it’s OK, you’re learning.
* 5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate – working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there.
* 9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme – just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.
* 14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat- a- holic. Congratulations!
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. Contrary to what the lousy song says, Country Roads do NOT always take you home.
2. You dream of a life that will involve a paved road.
3. You grow tired of tourists stopping by, asking for directions to the state of “South Virginia”, and driving off in a fit of laughter.
4. You’re stuck with AM Radio…AM COUNTRY radio.
5. You’ve grown tired of seeing the group “Glass Tiger” at the local Acorn Festival each year.
6. The sheep won’t take your “abuse” anymore and they are planning a revolt.
7. Hayrides are still limited to just 10 mph.
8. The local theatre’s performance of “Les Miserables” left something, no A LOT, to be desired.
9. You’ve had it with those pesky revenuers destroying your stills of “shine”.
10. No matter how hard you try, your cows don’t appear receptive to chasing or catching that Frisbee.
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462), Lists (+730)
The company has discontinued all physical fitness programs since everyone gets enough exercise by:
• Jumping to Conclusions,
• flying off the handle,
• beating around the bush,
• running down the boss,
• going around in circles,
• dragging their feet,
• dodging responsibility,
• passing the buck,
• climbing the ladder,
• wading through paperwork,
• pulling strings,
• shooting the breeze,
• throwing their weight around,
• stretching the truth,
• bending the rules,
• pushing their luck,
• shuffling papers,
• and playing hide and seek.
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Read all jokes from: Education (+3), Lists (+730)
You know you are a teacher if…
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.”
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
You want to choke a person when he or she says “Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”
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