Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
You snicker uncontrollably all through “Darby O’Gill And The Little People.”
Their record collection is stocked only with very short artists Paula Abdul, Sheena Easton, Prince, Phil Collins.
You get jumpy every time friends ask you if you can cover them for lunch.
When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr, there’s me pot o’ gold!)
In your cupboard nothing but Lucky Charms cereal.
Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and bury it somewhere.
You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the embarrassment of all your friends.
You’ve been under a rock for the past few years.
You just despise fairies. (“Wing Envy” if you ask me!)
You try to pick up women by saying “Ah, lassie, you have dazzling kneecaps, you do.”
When drunk, you discourse endlessly on shoes, and annoy folks by saying things like “How can ye not know what a grommet is, lad? You’re wearing several on yer feet! What are ye, dumb?”
Around St. Patrick’s Day, you stock up on Shamrock Shakes at McDonald’s.
When you say something is “magically delicious,” it really is.
And the number one way you can tell you might be a Leprechaun:
You’re three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green a lot!
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Women (+407)
Men are like department stores… their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations… they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers… hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers… load them with beer and you can take them anywhere
Men are like chocolate bars… sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee… the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes… they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers… they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. Don’t go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he’s fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
2. Don’t put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
3. Don’t offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
4. Don’t call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.
5. Don’t chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
6. Don’t tell your boss that you’re the one that runs the company.
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1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history… well, until about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Country run by Sicilian murderers
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+730)
Cats that live with writers have to be especially creative to run the household they allow the writer to share. There are two methods that will get you the attention you deserve, you can use either plan:
1. Be the cutest cat in the world (not difficult but slightly humiliating).
2. Be the baddest cat in the world (easier and much more satisfying).
I suggest a combination of the two.
Get your writer involved in your day first thing in the morning; otherwise, you could starve if they get to the computer first.
1. Set the time you wish to rise and if treading lightly over the body of the sleeping writer does not wake them, proceed to CUTE by giving them a wet cat kiss on the face. They do not like it, but will never get mad because it is such an honour. (This is you at your cutest: use sparingly).
If cute doesn’t get the writer out of bed you’ll have to revert to plan B and more drastic measures. Proceed to BAD by first running heavily over the writer and finally launching yourself off the body with your FULL weight concentrated on ONE paw in a vital area of the dozing body.
2. Establish an early feeding time, so you can get to the computer to check your email while your writer is busy getting your food. Once it has been served, do not worry about it unless there are (god forbid) other animals in your house. Do your computer stuff while you have the chance, if there is nothing happening on the net, now would be the time to curl up on the computer chair and start your first nap of the day.
3. If you have trained your writer properly, they will hesitate before removing your sleeping body from the chair. They may, however, want to get started on the computer, and if you’ve trained them right, will gently carry you over to your food dish.
4. As they are setting you down, do a quick inspection of your eating area, making sure your placemat is clean, and your water dish is full. If not, insert a paw into the water dish and QUICKLY dump all the water out onto the floor. Try to do this right away before your writer gets back to the computer. Look VERY cute as you do it.
5. Try to look sorry. Lowering the ears and looking up with neck held back usually works here. If they just step over the water on the way back to the computer, proceed to plan B and throw a hissy fit. This involves meowing sorrowfully and LOUDLY, you cannot stop until the writer returns and cleans your eating area. Any creative hissies that you have used in the past can come into play here.
6 Once your writer is preoccupied with the computer, you have the run of the house to do whatever you need to. They will never notice as long as you don’t knock anything over too loudly. Have fun.
7 When you decide the weather is just right and you want to go outside, if your writer is ignoring you, go over and do the cute attention getters: patting the thigh with a sheathed paw. Meow pitifully next to the chair without let-up if the thigh pat doesn’t work. Proceed to plan B only when all your cutest attempts have failed.
This could be ACCIDENTALLY releasing a claw or two with the thigh pat, staring threateningly at the writer with a low growl or jumping up on their lap and typing on the keyboard. This is a surefire let-me-outside-NOW attention grabber.
8 Once you are outdoors, you may feel bored or lonely, and want your writer to come out to sit and watch you or even to play with you. This is a very difficult problem. First, you have to get their attention. Cute does not work here at all.
You have to resort to instinctive behaviour here and hang out at the bird feeder. As soon as you have stirred up all the birds, making them chirp noisily to attract your writers attention, you can proceed to plan B and either grab a bird to play with, (this GUARANTEES the swift arrival of your writer) or just sit looking cute now. Either way, you have their attention and can proceed to the next step.
9 Getting back into the house is something you want to do very quickly. If there is no bird feeder and no birds around you’ll have to skip cute and go right to plan B here: scratching on the door. Due to heavy concentration on your writers part though, it may take several attempts to train your writer. If scratching doesn’t do it you’ll have to rip the screen.
They will act very quickly to let you in once you have ruined a screen or two. After a drastic measure like this you must be at your CUTEST for at least half an hour. It’s a hardship, but they’ll get over the damage quicker if you become irresistible.
There are some writers who don’t care about a ripped screen, in this case you will have to jump up and hang on the screen on the window nearest their computer, yowling like you can’t get down. The writer will finally come out and get you off if you can keep it up long enough.
10 This is VERY important, on those rare occasions that you can get rid of your writer, (most of them at least have to mail out all that writing), be sure you make yourself unavailable when they are leaving. Find the highest perch in the house and get up there. If you lay there quietly they may not see you and will leave without bothering you or putting you outside. If they do see you, refuse to come down.
They will give up, they always leave everything to the last minute, so won’t have time to climb up to get you. On the rare occasions if they do climb up, jump down just as they get there and head out FAST to your secure hiding place – Good luck!
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.”
2. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back, jerk!”
3. Your garbage can IS your “in” box.
4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.
5. You have so much on your mind, you’ve forget often how to think.
6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through …er…. Monday.
7. You sleep more at work than at home.
8. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
9. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Lists (+730)
* Bicycles
- Two- wheeled exercise machines invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
* Bump
- The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
* Deafness
- This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
* Dog Bed
- Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
* Drool
- Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
* Garbage Can
- A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
* Lean
- Every good dog’s response to the command “sit !”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black- tie events.
* Leash
- A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
* Love
- Is a feeling of intense affection given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky a human will love you in return.
* Sofas
- Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
* Thunder
- This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
* Wastebasket
- This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Lists (+730)
* Visitors
- Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
* Barking
- Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark – a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark…
* Licking
- Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
* Holes
- Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of The yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over The yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
* Doors
- The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
* The Art Of Sniffing
- Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
* Dining Etiquette
- Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.
* Housebreaking
- Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
* Going For Walks
- Rules of the road: when out for A walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
* Couches
- It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
* Playing
- If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don’t injure yourself.
* Chasing Cats
- When chasing cats, make sure you never – quite – catch them. It spoils all the fun.
* Chewing
- Make a contribution to the fashion industry… eat a shoe.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called “Don’t Wash My Silks”)
9. Get A Life – Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage – Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break – Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal – Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don’t Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. Anything that’s moving.
2. Green Carrots.
3. Moldy Croutons.
4. Body parts.
5. Blood in the French Dressing.
6. A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.
7. I’ve seen the movie…they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!
8. Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.
9. How should I put this…let’s just that the sneeze guard didn’t do its job and there’s something phlegm related in the radishes.
10. The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.
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