Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You have ever spelled some thing wrong you wrote out in Christmas lights.
You have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
You have ever surrendered to the police in exchange for ciggaretes.
You have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
You have ever used a turkey baster bulb to get something out of your ear.
You have ever used lard in bed.
You have ever used spit tobacco as a fish attractant.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You have got more bumper stickers than children.
You have gotten a warning to remove vehicles from your own back yard.
You have grease under your toenails.
You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.
You have more belt-buckles than pants.
You have more deer heads on your wall than family portraits.
You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
You have more guns than teeth
You have more hair than your dog does.
You have more insurance on your hunting dog than you do on your house.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
You have more than 3 family members by the name of Billy Bob.
You have more than 4 vehicles up on blocks in your yard.
You have more than 5 fast food bags in your car.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house… not including 22 caliber.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You have more things with Hank Williams Jr.’s name on them than your own.
You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.
You have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.
You have no idea who the President is but you can name five NASCAR drivers in a single belch.
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201), Lists (+730)
15 Angelfish Cake
14 Hamster and Cheese on Rye
13 Chow Chow Mein
12 Bran Muffy
11 Eggs BenjiDict
10 Yorkieshire pudding
9 Shih- Tzu Kabobs
8 Potbelly Pig in a Blanket
7 Shrimp Cockatiel
6 Fettucine AlFido
5 Chicken Poodle Soup
4 Turtlellini
3 Lhasa Thermidor
2 Rex- Mex Enchihuahuas
1 I’ll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey — no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss!
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459), Technology (+1819)
If the sticker on your computer says, “My other computer is a laptop.”
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8′s and cinderblocks.
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.”
If you ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”
If you know that NORTON UTILITY isn’t a power company.
If you start all your e-mails with the words: “Howdy y’all!”
If your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT.”
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com.”
If your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If your wife said either she or the computer “had to go,” and you still don’t miss her.
If you’ve ever been to “http://www.hee-haw.com.”
If you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.
If you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Someone tells ya they’re “locked up” and ya ask if they need bail money.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
When ya tern yer computer on ya say, “Come OOOOOOON Betsy.”
When you have 17 different versions of DOOM, but you still can’t write your name.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.
When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.
When your friends comment on your “nice boots” and you say “Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS.”
When your MS-DOS boot menu contains an entry called, “Cow Tipping Configuration.”
When your wife catches you again with your “Farm Animals of the Orient” CD-ROM.
When you’re honked off at your computer warranty because it doesn’t cover damage from “Bovine Saliva.”
When, in a pinch, you use your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
Ya catch yerself tryin’ to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it back! Give it Back’.
Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won’t pick up police radio calls.
Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom’s.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk. Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol’ lady.
Ya see the “shift” key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya see the werd “Zip” and know why youz feelin’ a draft.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya sees the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya think GIF stands fer “Goodie It’s Free.”
Ya think IBM stands for “Idn’t Betsy Marvelous.”
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think MB stands for “More Beer.”
Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol’ lady disappear.
Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.
Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
Ya think the “A drive” is where ya park yer pickup.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin’ organization.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin’ bin.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain’t wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya’ve ever been too drunk to chat.
Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, “My momma.”
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
You sees the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.
You’ve ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull.
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201), Lists (+730), Monkey (+37)
16 Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR’s early space program.
15 National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President’s relatives with typewriters.
14 Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!
13 “Organ grinding” no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.
12 First President in diapers since the Reagan years.
11 Shiny red ass could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.
10 Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.
9 N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, “Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”
8 Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe- taking at twice the speed of current administration.
7 New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.
6 State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung- tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping.
5 President’s IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh’s.
4 To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a unicycle.
3 “No, Ms. Embry, you can’t spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!”
2 During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson’s toupee. and the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey…
1 On executive decisions: Silly-assed toothy grin means “yes.” Loud raspberry means “no.”
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe.
5. Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
6. Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
7. You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
8. You receive care packages from Europe.
9. Your bologna has no first name.
10. You rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
11. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
12. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
13. You give blood everyday – for the orange juice.
14. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
15. Consumer Credit Counseling services said “No.”
16. The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+730)
Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
Cat: 1. A lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
2. A four footed allergen.
3. A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
4. A small, furry lap fungus.
5. A treat-seeking missile.
6. A wildlife control expert.
7. One who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. A hair relocation expert.
9. An unprogrammable animal.
Cataclysm: Any great upheaval in a cat’s life.
Catatonic: A feline medicinal drink.
Caterpillar: A soft scratching post for a cat.
Cat Scan: To look for a new cat.
Dog: A cat’s device for running practice.
Door: Something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
Energy: The element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.
Human: An automatic door opener for cats.
Impurrsonate: To act like the cat.
Kitten: A small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.
Purrade: An organized march of cats.
Purradise: The garden of Cats.
Purramour: A cat lover.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Purraphernalia: A cat’s personal belongings.
Purrch: Any favored feline napping spot.
Purrchase: Anything bought for a cat.
Purrfume: The scent of an open can of tuna.
Purrgatory: A houseful of kittens.
Purrmission: A feline hunting expedition.
Purrpetual: Everlasting feline love.
Purrplex: A house with two or more cats.
Purrson: A male kitten.
Purrsuit: The garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.
Purrverse: A poem about a wicked kitty.
Tooraloorailurophobia: An irrational fear of Irish cats.
Tuner: Sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
Yawn: A cat’s honest opinion openly expressed.
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Lists (+730)
* Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
* Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
* When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
* Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
* When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
* Take naps and stretch before rising.
* Run, romp and play daily.
* Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
* Be loyal.
* Never pretend to be something you’re not.
* If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
* When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
* Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
* Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
* On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
* When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
* No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout… ..run right back and make friends.
* Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. Geez, what died in here?
2. He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
3. Nice service…where’s the keg?
4. When did he die…really…hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
5. Hey, we’re with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we’re looking for…oh, never mind.
6. Don’t look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
7. You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
8. Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)
You think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.
You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
You think a stock tip is advice on wormin’ your hogs.
You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.
You think a TV dinner consists of a RC Cola and a moonpie.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
You think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis.
You think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
You think beef stroganoff is when the bull is playing with himself.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You think coming from a broken home means your trailer has a flat.
You think country and western are the two kinds of music.
You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
You think deer hunting should be an Olympic sport.
You think dingle berries are a fruit.
You think doctorin’ involves mamma’s sewing kit and a jug.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think dressing up is putting on all your camo.
You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 60 miles an hour.
You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
You think garabage pickin’ is a hobbie.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You think golf is when you try to hit the ball up your neighbors hole
You think good china is China without any Chinese people.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald’s breakfast menu.
You think hocking loogies onto oncoming vehicles should be an Olympic sport.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
You think Iraq is a high performance Camaro.
You think Iraq is top-of-the-line Camaro.
You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3-year o.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
You think mud rasslin’ should be an Olympic sport.
You think NSYNC is where the dirty dishes are.
You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother’s tooth.
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