Read all jokes from:
Cat (+695),
Lists (+730)
* It’s ok to wear the same things everyday.
* Sleeping is very underrated, … as is stretching.
* Never crack your knuckles.
* Grooming requires a serious time commitment.
* Remember to wash behind your ears, in between your toes and under your arms.
* Keep your nails trimmed and hair clean.
* Pee without getting any on your feet.
* Eat when you’re hungry, when you’re not hungry, play with your food.
* If you don’t see it, ask for it.
* Counters are the best place to sit in a kitchen.
* Show some discretion.
* Don’t burp in public.
* Have no qualms about sharing a plate of food, or eating leftovers.
* Drink milk.
* Try not to obsess about cholesterol.
* Be hard to leave.
* Notice squirrels, investigate shadows, and chase butterflies.
* Make your own hours.
* Shred all documents.
* Money is only paper.
* Be curious.
* Get to know people in high places, somehow.
* Don’t be afraid to take chances.
* Take a Moment to recover your dignity, but don’t dwell on the past too much.
* Don’t always come when you are called.
* Try new things.
* Take time to eat some flowers.
* Stare unabashedly.
* Test limits.
* Be tolerant, but not overly accommodating.
* Get mad when you are stepped on.
* Forget that you were stepped on.
* Know all the sunny places.
* Sometimes you can’t explain your actions.
* Sometimes you can’t explain yourself.
* Have a sneeze that is the envy of others.
* Make yourself vulnerable, but don’t be afraid to bite the hand that feeds you.
* Challenge yourself.
* Share your victories.
* Recycle.
* Exercise daily.
* Go barefoot.
* Obey your instincts.
* Claim your own chair.
* Flaunt your hair loss.
* Vary your hangouts.
* Make the world your playground.
* Recognize the toy in everything.
* Make the most of unstructured time.
* There is always time for a nap.
* Be easy to come home to.
* Show affection and contentment.
* Everyone is entitled to an occasional mood swing.
* The faster you run upstairs, the more likely you are to forget why you went up there in the first place.
* There is nothing wrong with changing your mind.
* Love unconditionally.
* Avoid company you do not like.
* Accept that all company may not like you.
* Depend on others without losing your independence.
* Enjoy your own company.
* Be a good listener.
* Invite yourself to dinner.
* Don’t drool.
* Scratch when and where it itches.
* Get used to silences.
* Be entertaining, strike poses, wiggle your ears.
* Jump right into the middle of things.
* Just because you’re home, you don’t have to answer the phone.
* Ask for attention.
* Feel no guilt.
* Use negative attention getting tactics only as a last resort.
* Ignore television.
* Yawn like you really mean it.
* Find a good lap to curl up in.
* Be soft.
* Be cool.
* Be mysterious.
* Be able to make someone feel better just by being there.
* Make people wonder what you do at night.
* Be good at finding things in the dark.
* Have a warm bed.
* Be loved.
* Dream.
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Read all jokes from:
Lists (+730)
1. Non stick Cellotape
2. Solar Powered Flash Light
3. A black highlighter pen
4. Glow in the dark sunglasses
5. Inflatable Anchor
6. Smooth Sandpaper
7. Waterproof sponge
8. Waterproof Teabags
9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
10. Fireproof Matches
11. Fireproof Cigarettes
12. Battery powered Battery Charger
13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
14. Hand powered Chainsaw
15. Inflatable Dartboard
16. Silent Alarm Clock
17. A Pedal powered wheelchair
18. Braille Drivers Manual
19. Double sided playing cards
20. Ejector seats for Helicopters
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Read all jokes from:
Dog (+335),
Lists (+730)
1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don’t even have to comb your own hair.
4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you’re cute.
6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
9. It doesn’t take much to make you happy. You’re always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
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Read all jokes from:
Lists (+730)
1. Geez, what died in here?
2. He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
3. Nice service…where’s the keg?
4. When did he die…really…hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
5. Hey, we’re with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we’re looking for…oh, never mind.
6. Don’t look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
7. You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
8. Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
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Read all jokes from:
Lists (+730)
1. While your child is on his lap, he tells them they’re not getting his Bud Light.
2. You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer.
3. Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
4. You don’t remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
5. Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
6. After each child, he has a Jello Shot.
7. This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
8. He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can’t find the tree.
9. Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer…he just grumbles and says “Awww…just get going!”
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Read all jokes from:
Lists (+730)
10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
7. The “It’s a Small World After All” creatures go on a rampage.
6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting “Kill Clinton, kill Clinton.”
5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
3. “Main Street Electrical Parade” becomes “Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade.”
2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
1. Two words: catapulting teacups.
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Read all jokes from:
Lists (+730)
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
8. You’re likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People of TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police is always black.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
16. Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath – even if it’s the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, “Hello?, Hello?”
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings – especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chain saw whenever you’re likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son’s eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments – especially wind instruments and accordions – can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razors – if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
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Read all jokes from:
Lists (+730)
1. What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
4. And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!
5. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
6. Is that phone for me? Tell ‘em I’m not here.
7. I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
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Read all jokes from:
Lists (+730)
1. Motor Trend never mentioned a “Chevrolet Caca.”
2. Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
3. Passenger-side “airbag” is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
4. Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
5. Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
6. Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
7. Car has spent more time on “60 Minutes” than on the road.
8. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
9. Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
10. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
11. Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
12. “Jaws of Life” in trunk.
13. The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
14. When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, “Where do you want to go today?”
15. You realize too late that it *is* your father’s Oldsmobile.
16. Ralph Nader’s home phone number written on dashboard.
17. The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.
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