Read all jokes from: Animals (+5200), Lists (+730)
What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg?
1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes you seven minutes to get hard in boiling water.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1458)
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.
You go to church and the preacher says “I like for Bubba to help me with the offering”, and 5 different boys stand up.
You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
You go to strip joints for family reunions.
You go to the bank for a loan and the loan officer asks to see the stock you have listed as collateral, so you bring in the three hogs you bought last month at the auction.
You go to the dentist for a “Tooth Cleaning”.
You go to the family reunion to meet women.
You go to the family reunion to pickup women.
You go to the post office to research your family tree.
You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
You go to your sister’s wedding so you can kiss the bride
You go up a water tower with a can of paint to protect your sister.
You got Clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.
You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.
You got more antennas on your truck than the local TV station.
You got stopped by a state trooper; he asked you had an I.D. And you said, “Bout What?’
You got your pickup truck from a lake.
You got your tater gun hangin’ over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
You grandmother spits farther than you.
You grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard.
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
You had a receding hairline in the 6th grade.
You had to buy an 18-Wheeler for family vacations.
You had to call the police department to get your flare gun back.
You had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
You had your own parking space in Jr High.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.
You haul more than U-Haul.
You have 10 cars in your front yard and only once of them isn’t on blocks and the engine works.
You have 20 cars that don’t work and a mobile home
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
You have 500 men working under you and you cut grass at the cemetery.
You have a “church” cap.
You have a beer cooler on your riding lawn mower.
You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
Favourite London signs
“DUE TO PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS, WE ARE ASKING ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THIS CEMETERY TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER”
(cemetery)
“THE BARGAIN BASEMENT IS UPSTAIRS”
(department store)
“‘BORDELLO’ IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT IN LONDON. EVERYONE WELCOME”
(restaurant)
“MACHINES ARE AUTOMATIC, SO REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES GREEN”
(launderette)
“WE REPAIR EVERYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD AS THE BELL DOESN’T WORK
(repair shop door)
“WHOEVER TOOK THE LADDER YESTERDAY BRING IT BACK AT ONCE OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN”
(office)
“MUMS, WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE YOU EAT”
(German restaurant)
“WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING (BIKES, HI-FI ETC). SO WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A SPECIAL BARGAIN?”
(second-hand shop)
“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW”
(toilet)
“QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS SIGN WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE MAYOR”
(beach)
“PLEASE DON’T SMOKE NEAR THE PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MIGHT NOT BE WORTH ANYTHING, BUT OUR PETROL IS”
(petrol station)
“AFTER USE, EMPLOYEES MUST EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD”
(office)
“ANYONE LEAVING THEIR CLOTHES HERE FOR MORE THAN 21 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF”
(dry cleaners)
“CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS”
(health food shop)
“MANURE. 50p PER PRE-PACKED SACK”
(20p DO-IT-YOURSELF) (farm)
“ELEPHANTS PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR”
(safari park)
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
5. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
6. Practice making fax and modem noises.
7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc.” them to your boss.
8. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
9. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
10. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
11. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
12. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
13. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
14. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
15. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
16. Honk and wave to strangers.
17. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
18. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
19. type only in lowercase.
20. dont use any punctuation either
21. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
22. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
23. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
24. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
25. Ask people what gender they are.
26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
28. Sing along at the opera.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. Motor Trend never mentioned a “Chevrolet Caca.”
2. Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
3. Passenger-side “airbag” is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
4. Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
5. Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
6. Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
7. Car has spent more time on “60 Minutes” than on the road.
8. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
9. Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
10. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
11. Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
12. “Jaws of Life” in trunk.
13. The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
14. When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, “Where do you want to go today?”
15. You realize too late that it *is* your father’s Oldsmobile.
16. Ralph Nader’s home phone number written on dashboard.
17. The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730)
1. Non stick Cellotape
2. Solar Powered Flash Light
3. A black highlighter pen
4. Glow in the dark sunglasses
5. Inflatable Anchor
6. Smooth Sandpaper
7. Waterproof sponge
8. Waterproof Teabags
9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
10. Fireproof Matches
11. Fireproof Cigarettes
12. Battery powered Battery Charger
13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
14. Hand powered Chainsaw
15. Inflatable Dartboard
16. Silent Alarm Clock
17. A Pedal powered wheelchair
18. Braille Drivers Manual
19. Double sided playing cards
20. Ejector seats for Helicopters
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Men vs. Women (+5689)
Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2
If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6
Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.
Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10
When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5200), Lists (+730)
The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant
or: – 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1458)
You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You’ve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.
You’ve ever been arrested for bootleggin’.
You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
You’ve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
You’ve ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
You’ve ever been asked to leave Shoney’s all-you-can-eat breakfast.
You’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
You’ve ever been given a gun as a present.
You’ve ever been hunting on a tractor.
You’ve ever been in a fistfight involving the phrase “Dale Earnhardt is the Intimidator”.
You’ve ever been in a fistfight with your best friend because he said his John Deere would out pull your Farmall.
You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You’ve ever been stuck in your own driveway.
You’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
You’ve ever been trapped in crossfire at a family reunion.
You’ve ever bought a used cap.
You’ve ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
You’ve ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can’t find you.
You’ve ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.
You’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
You’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
You’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
You’ve ever driven a tractor to a family reunion.
You’ve ever driven around looking for your porch roof after a bad storm.
You’ve ever drunk mouthwash just because you’re too lazy to walk down to the liquor store.
You’ve ever entered yourself in a “Howdy Doody Look-alike” Contest.
You’ve ever fed your date french fries in a Denny’s.
You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
You’ve ever fished from over a fence.
You’ve ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.
You’ve ever given livestock as a wedding present.
You’ve ever given rattraps as gifts.
You’ve ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
You’ve ever gotten a “lap” dance from your sister!
You’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
You’ve ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
You’ve ever gotten in fist fight in a laundromat over a dryer.
You’ve ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.
You’ve ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.
You’ve ever had sex in a sattelite dish.
You’ve ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1458), Technology (+1816)
If the sticker on your computer says, “My other computer is a laptop.”
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8′s and cinderblocks.
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.”
If you ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”
If you know that NORTON UTILITY isn’t a power company.
If you start all your e-mails with the words: “Howdy y’all!”
If your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT.”
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com.”
If your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If your wife said either she or the computer “had to go,” and you still don’t miss her.
If you’ve ever been to “http://www.hee-haw.com.”
If you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.
If you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Someone tells ya they’re “locked up” and ya ask if they need bail money.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
When ya tern yer computer on ya say, “Come OOOOOOON Betsy.”
When you have 17 different versions of DOOM, but you still can’t write your name.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.
When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.
When your friends comment on your “nice boots” and you say “Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS.”
When your MS-DOS boot menu contains an entry called, “Cow Tipping Configuration.”
When your wife catches you again with your “Farm Animals of the Orient” CD-ROM.
When you’re honked off at your computer warranty because it doesn’t cover damage from “Bovine Saliva.”
When, in a pinch, you use your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
Ya catch yerself tryin’ to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it back! Give it Back’.
Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won’t pick up police radio calls.
Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom’s.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk. Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol’ lady.
Ya see the “shift” key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya see the werd “Zip” and know why youz feelin’ a draft.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya sees the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya think GIF stands fer “Goodie It’s Free.”
Ya think IBM stands for “Idn’t Betsy Marvelous.”
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think MB stands for “More Beer.”
Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol’ lady disappear.
Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.
Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
Ya think the “A drive” is where ya park yer pickup.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin’ organization.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin’ bin.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain’t wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya’ve ever been too drunk to chat.
Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, “My momma.”
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
You sees the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.
You’ve ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull.
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