Read all jokes from: Lists (+728)
1. Pluto’s “accident” on Deck 3
2. Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.
3. Exterminator killed off “rat” problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie’s cousins.
4. Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.
5. Charo kept showing up.
6. The Beast from “Beauty and the Beast” kept eating the midnight buffet.
7. The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the “You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride” Requirements.
8. Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmations was too strong.
9. Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs.
10. New hires Doc,Isaac,and Gopher quit days before launch,citing that this job is not as “exciting and new” as their last one.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+728)
1. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
5. A penny saved is a government oversight.
6. He who hesitates is probably right.
7. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
8. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
9. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
14. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
15. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+728)
1. I could have sworn I heard a can opener.
2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9- lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmmm… If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we ever get those STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey – no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place.
9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss !
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+728)
1. “Scream” suite which becomes vacant quickly.
2. Hotel pool never gets used due to menacing music and one lone fin circling at all times.
3. Marv Albert has reservations for “The Crying Game” floor.
4. More suicide jump precautions on the Pauly Shore floor than anywhere else.
5. No one takes a shower on the “Psycho” floor
6. Pee-Wee Herman as a tour guide…YIKES
7. No buttons on the elevator to the Star Wars floor…just use the Force.
8. Room service involves Shannon Tweed and George Clooney.
9. Wake up call on Stallone floor is “Yo, Adrian!”
10. “Showgirls” floor booked until 2010..by Congress.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+728), Women (+407)
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.
Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can’t dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).
Never sleep with a man who’s named his willy.
Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn’t ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books.
A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, ‘oh alright, I’ll stay the night”.
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practising.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar”.
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a ‘former boyfriend”.
There are two significant influences in a man’s life and they are both his mother.
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong – but you could still use them.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+728)
* Dogs come when they’re called; Cats take a message and get back to you later.
* Cats don’t like being baptized.
* Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
* A cat is always on the wrong side of the door.
* A cat will always sit on whatever you’re trying to read.
* A cat’s purr: The most effective stress medicine known.
* Cats are quite good at domesticating humans.
* Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
* Cats know Mom’s black suede gloves are giant tarantulas that need to be killed.
* Cats must attack their human’s shoelaces when they are tying them.
* Cats must crawl into the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes.
* It’s always darkest before you step on the cat.
* Cats must rub against your legs while you’re carrying two bags of grocieries.
* You’re not a real person until you’re ignored by a cat.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Dog (+335), Lists (+728)
This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power “Wash” and “Rinse”, which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+728)
1. You don’t recall that line from It’s A Wonderful Life saying, “Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!”
2. Your kid makes a fortune trading in “Elmo futures.”
3. Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary “4th wise man” in new nativity scenes.
4. The impossible-to-get “Tickle Me Jesus”
5. Santa’s Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year’s Indy 500.
6. Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.
7. WWF presents “Oh, Holy Night” Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!
8. Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.
9. Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.
10. Santa’s North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.
11. Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, “On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy.”
12. $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas
13. Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness’s pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter’s.
14. The Baby GAP’s line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)
15. Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase “Ho, Ho, Ho” — an injunction limits Santa to “a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables.”
16. Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman’s hair.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+728)
All Rules can be broken when you feel like it.
Don’t worry about vet bills, someone else will pay.
Know where the sock drawer is for those catnaps.
Help with jigsaw puzzles.
Sniff every stranger.
Be astonishingly mysterious.
When in doubt, chase something.
Don’t play in plastic bags.
Ignore your mistakes.
When in doubt, let your tail do the talking.
Never sleep alone.
Curtains are for climbing only.
All chairs belong to the cat of the house.
Baths are for Dogs!
Feeding time is when YOU want to be fed.
Go absolutely berserk for no apparent reason.
Scratching humans and furniture is a no- no.
Try to keep that mouse alive for your human.
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can’t get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them.
Climb your way to the top, that’s why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, “I care”.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+728)
1. Well, how ’bout that?…I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
2. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
3. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.
4. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend…you might want to consider throwing a party.
6. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
7. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
8. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
9. Father’s Day? Aaahh-don’t worry about that-it’s no big deal.
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