Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
The policeman said, “What’s he like?”
Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”
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Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)
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Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)
The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game, she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described.
Teacher: “The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem.”
Timmy: “I know what it is, it’s an apple.”
Teacher: “That’s right, I like the way you’re thinking.”
“OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it.”
Christopher: “I know what it is, it’s an orange.”
Teacher: “That’s right, I like the way you’re thinking.”
Johnny: “Can I try, Teacher?”
Teacher: “Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!”
Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a second, and says “My object is round, hard, and has a head on it.”
Teacher: “Alright Johnny, go to the office!”
Johnny: “No Teacher, it’s a quarter, but, I like the way you’re thinking!”
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Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)
Q: What do you call the elephant witch doctor?
A: Mumbo Jumbo
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Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, “…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”
One little boy raised his hand and said, “I know! He said, ‘Holy *&%! A talking pig!’”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.
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Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648), Religious (+827)
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, “Good morning son.”
“Good morning pastor” replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. “Sir, what is this?” Johnny asked.
“Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service”, replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, “Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?”
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Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427), School (+377)
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, “I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy.”
“What did you do?” the mother asked.
“I hit him with my purse!”
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Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)
Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.
His parents think this is cute, and they don’t want to make fun of Johnny so they ask him “How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?”
He replies “Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.”
His father says “That’s fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?”
Johnny answers “Well, so far, we’ve been lucky…”
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Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)
It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked “What will you be doing this summer?”
“Me and my family will go to the beach a lot,” Suzie answered.
“That sounds like fun,” said Miss Figpot. “How about you, Emma? What will you do this summer?”
“My family just bought new bikes will ride together.” Emma replied enthusiastically.
“That sounds lovely,” said the teacher. She continued with all her students until she got to Little Johnny in the back of the room.
“What will you do this summer, Johnny?”
“Nothing,” Little Johnny responded timidly.
“Nothing? Aren’t you going to do anything with your family?” she asked, trying to get Little Johnny to use his imagination.
“Nothing.” He replied
“Will you go to the beach?”
“No.”
“Will you ride bikes?”
“No, never!” Little Johnny burst out. “We can never ride bikes together!”
“Why not?” said the shocked Miss Figpot.
“I don’t know,” explained Little Johnny, “But dad always says, when mom and sis start ‘cycling together’, it’s time to get the hell out of town.”
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Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day.
Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.
This is the actual conversation of the telephone call…
Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?”
Kelly: “This is my mother.”
Needless to say, she didn’t pull it off!
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Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. “Play-Doh” and “microwave” should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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