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Little Johnny (+648)
It seems little farm boy Johnny accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. “Hey Johnny!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up.”
“That’s mighty nice of you, ” Johnny answered, “But I don’t think daddy would like me to.”
“Aw, come on,” the farmer insisted.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But daddy won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Johnny thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know daddy is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish !” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
“Under the wagon.”
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Animals (+5201),
Dog (+335),
Kids (+2427)
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
“What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, “The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”
They’re just like people, aren’t they Grandma?” said the little one.
“How do you mean?” asked the Grandma.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the little girl, “and they fuck you everytime!”
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Kids (+2427)
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing.” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”
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Little Johnny (+648)
Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:
“Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I’ll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare.”
Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:
“Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I’ll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit… Horseshit… Oh, shit! I didn’t want to be in this damn play anyway!”
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Football (+145),
Kids (+2427),
School (+377)
A first-grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Indianapolis Colts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Colts fans too. Not really knowing what a Colts fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Kelly has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Colts fan” she reports.
“Then,” asks the teacher,” What are you?”
“I’m a Chicago Bears fan,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher asks Susie why she is a Bears fan.
“Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I’m a Bears fan too,” she responds.
“That’s no reason,” the teacher says. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?”
Kelly smiles and says, “Then I’d be a Colts fan.”
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Kids (+2427)
A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.
With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.
“Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, “Spit ‘em out, you guys, they’re assholes!”
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Kids (+2427)
It has long been known that …
I haven’t bothered to look up the original reference
… of great theoretical and practical importance
… interesting to me
While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions.
The experiments didn’t work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.
The W-Pb system was chosen as especially suitable to show thepredicted behavior …
The fellow in the next lab had some already made up
High purity … Very high purity … Extremely high purity … Super-purity … Spectroscopically pure …
Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the supplier
A fiducial reference line …
A scratch
Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study …
The results of the others didn’t make sense and were ignored …
… handled with extreme care during the experiments
…not dropped on the floor
Typical results are shown …
The best results are shown …
Although some detail has been lost in reproduction, it is clear from theoriginal micrograph that …
It is impossible to tell from the micrograph
Presumably at longer times …
I didn’t take the time to find out
The agreement with the predicted curve is excellent
fair
good
poor
satisfactory
doubtful
fair
imaginary
… as good as could be expected
non-existent
These results will be reported at a later date
I might get around to this sometime
The most reliable values are those of Jones
He was a student of mine
It is suggested that … It is believed that … It may be that …
I think …
It is generally believed that …
I have such a good objection to this answer that I shall now raise.
It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding …
I don’t understand it
Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these effects has not been formulated
Neither does anybody else
Correct within an order of magnitude
Wrong
It is to be hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field.
This paper isn’t very good but neither are any of the others on this miserable subject.
Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance with the experiments and to John Doe for valuable discussions.
Glotz did the work and Doe explained what it meant.
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Kids (+2427)
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.
He says, “Hey Dad! What are you doin?”
His father says, “I’m filling your mother’s tank.”
Johnny says, “Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning.”
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Little Johnny (+648)
“Why do you look so glum today?” the teacher asked Little Johnny.
“I didn’t have no breakfast,” Johnny mumbled.
“You poor dear,” said the teacher. “Now, to return to our geography lesson … Johnny, where is the French border?”
“In bed with my mom. That’s why I didn’t have no breakfast.”
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Kids (+2427)
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
“Sure you can, Mickey,” Charlie said, “Just flap your arms really *really* hard.”
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like
mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, “What the hell happened?!?”
Charlie said, “I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him.”
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