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Little Johnny (+647)
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Johnny, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”
Johnny burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
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Kids (+2426)
Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.
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Kids (+2426)
Sung to the tune of Beauty and the Beast’s “Be our guest”
Abbreviation glossary:
P: Professors
S1, S2, S3:Distinct students
S: Students in unison
TA: Teaching assistant
P: Ma chere tuition-payers,it is with deepest sadism and greatest power that we welcome you this morning. And now, we require you to get tense, let us pull up a chair, as the faculty proudly presents – your final!
P: Take your test
Take your test
Are you nervous? Are you stressed?
Winter’s just around the corner now
We love this time the best
Physics laws
English lit.
Why, you’ll never want to quit
What’s the formula for vinyl?
Don’t you love to take a final!
Classic film
Modern dance
All the kings and queens of France
You’ll be writing with such energy and zest
Go on and take some blue books
You’ll at least need two books
Take your test
Fake your test
Take your test
World War I
World War II
You’ll be chugging Mountain Dew
As you scram back home to cram
And stay awake the whole night through
If you’re here
And you’re scared
Then you’re prob’ly unprepared
Don’t tell me about your party
You should study, Mr. Smarty
Distant stars
Shakespeare’s plays
Let us run you through our maze
S1: Did you ever get the feeling we’re oppressed?
P: Don’t question our regime
How could you dare blaspheme?
Now take your test
(You’ve B.S.ed,
But you’d rather say you’ve “guessed”)
Take your test
Take your test
Take your test
Life’s all smiles and smirking
For a student who’s not working
It’s a gas without a class to load him down
Ah, those good old days way back in grade school
Suddenly he wants his cap and gown
While he’s been busy learning
Curiosity’s been burning
What’s it like to have a minute to himself?
He won’t know ’til after graduation
They came here so lazy
Now we’re driving them all crazy!
S1: It’s a test!
S2: It’s a test!
S3: This can’t be! I still need rest!
P: You want sleep, you little creep?
That’s very good. That’s quite a jest
Ancient worlds
Complex math
And we won’t withhold our wrath
Yes, we’ll give you quite a beating
If we catch you while you’re cheating
Chinese art
Civil E.
Anesthesiology
S3: Help me please! I’m having cardiac arrest!
S1: Somebody check his heart!
P: Then label every part!
It’s on your test
S: That’s our test?
P: That’s your test
S: What a pest!
TA: Here’s a test
There’s a test
I’m so very much depressed
Have to grade each one of these in just a day
And I’m hard-pressed!
Biochem
Japanese
Why our “quarters” come in threes
While the deadline still is looming
I’ll keep grading
I’ll keep fuming
P: Course by course
One by one
‘Til you shout, “This isn’t fun!”
Then we’ll laugh at every place that you digressed
We’ve done our best to pester
See you next semester!
Take your test
Take your test
Take your test
Now, take your test
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Kids (+2426)
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
If a child looks like his father, that’s heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that’s environment.
If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.
Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
There are three ways to get things done:
1: do it yourself.
2: hire someone to do it.
3: or forbid your kids to do it.
You can learn many things from children…like how much patience you have.
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Kids (+2426)
I don’t think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie, and he said we could discuss it tonight in a “National Town Meeting.”
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Kids (+2426)
Q: You’re a bus driver. At the first stop 4 people get on. At the second stop 8 people on, at the third stop 2 people get off and, at the forth stop everyone got off. The question is what color are the bus drivers eyes?
A: The same as yours, you’re the bus driver.
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Little Johnny (+647)
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
“Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really get it on, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”
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Kids (+2426)
Little Johnny says to his mother ” Mommy, I have to go and tinkle.”
The mother replies back “Would you like Mommy to take you?”.
Little Johnny says “No let grandma… her hand shakes!”
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Kids (+2426)
One day the little rascals were sitting in school. The teacher walked in, and said, “good morning class. Today we are going to play word games. I’m going to give you a word and I want you to put it in a sentence for me.” She said “Spanky you’re first. Your word is football.”
Spanky stood up and proudly said ” I threw the football,” and sat down.
The teacher said “very good Spanky.” Then the teacher said, “Darla, you’re next. Your word is pretty.”
Darla stood up and said, “I think I’m very pretty!” Then she sat down.
Then the teacher called on Buckwheat. She said, “Buckwheat, you’re next. Your word is dictate.”
Buckwheat stood up looked at Arial, and said, “Hey Darla! How’d my dic tate las nigh?”
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Kids (+2426)
Henry Abel’s son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything. His Mama asked him what the problem was.
“Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away.”
“Now come on, David,” his mother said, “a
big boy like you shouldn’t be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed.”
“That’s what I did, Mama.”
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