Read all jokes from: Kids (+2426), Little Johnny (+648)
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnny.
“Well I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period.”
“Damned if I know,” said Johnny, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”
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Read all jokes from: Little Johnny (+648)
A teacher on playground duty noticed a scruffy little boy sitting in the dirt and intently working on something. As she approached, she saw that he was using a twig to stir something in an old soup can.
“What have you got in the can, Johnny?” she asked brightly.
He looked up at her with evil little eyes and said, “Got me some chicken shit n’ water.”
After she had recovered from her shock, she stammered, “What in the world are you doing?”
“Makin’ me a teacher!”
“Oooh!” she howled. “The principal shall hear of this!” and she stamped off to find him.
When she returned with the principal in tow, the boy was still hard at work, stirring away, frowning in concentration.
“All right, Johnny! Now, you tell me, what have you got in that can there?” said the principal.
“I got me some chicken shit an’ water,” said Johnny, grinning crookedly at the man and continuing to stir.
The principal recoiled in horror. “What do you think you’re doing?” he bellowed.
“I’ze makin’ me a principal,” Johnny replied, leering up at him.
“Well, my young friend, we’ll just see about that,” the principal said and stormed off to find a cop.
When at last he returned with a policeman, Johnny was still industriously working on his project.
“All right, me lad, what’ve ye got in the can?” the cop asked.
Johnny replied, “Got me some chicken shit n’ water!”
The cop frowned and said, “Ah, and I suppose you’ll be tellin’ me you’re makin’ a cop, now won’t ye?”
Johnny frowned down into the can, critically examining its contents. “Nope. Ain’t got enough chickenshit.”
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Read all jokes from: Kids (+2426)
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”
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Read all jokes from: Little Johnny (+648), Sex (+4816)
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.
He says, “Hey Dad! What are you doin?”
His father says, “I’m filling your mother’s tank.”
Johnny says, “Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning.”
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Read all jokes from: Little Johnny (+648)
The teacher said, “Every Friday I will ask a question to the class. Whoever can answer my question can have Monday off from school.”
When Friday approached, the teacher asked, “How many grains of sand are there in this world?”
No one could answer her. Then they all anxiously waited till the next Friday. When Friday was finally here the teacher asked, “How many stars are there in the sky?”
Again no kid could answer.
Confused little Johnny went to thinking. As the next Friday approached he thought of something. He took to of his ping-pong ball and painted them black. Then he took them to school on Friday.
When the class was packing up to go home, the teacher started to say something, immediately he let go of his balls and since his class got so distracted by little things they started to laugh.
The teacher frowned and asked, “OK, whose the comedian with the black balls?”
Little Johnny wasting no time, replied, “That would be Bill Cosby. See ya on Tuesday!!”
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Read all jokes from: Little Johnny (+648)
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With YOU!” he said.
“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”
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Read all jokes from: Kids (+2426)
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, “There is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half”.
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, “you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”
The boy replied, “Minnesota sir”.
“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota” asked the manager.
The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”
The manager was shocked and replied “My wife is from Minnesota!”
The boy answered, “Really! What team did she play for?”
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Read all jokes from: Kids (+2426), Sex (+4816)
A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say “Hi there little boy!”
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: “well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be… it is just a joke!”
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, “HI THERE LADIES!
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Read all jokes from: Little Johnny (+648), School (+377)
Little Johnny’s teacher asked him, “Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, “bitter end” in it.
Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, “Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end.”
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Read all jokes from: Kids (+2426), School (+377)
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, “I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy.”
“What did you do?” the mother asked.
“I hit him with my purse!”
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